Words to live by

94. Prison inmates should be weary of conjugal visits as a jiggling conman

may convince you he's having a fit and will steal you cigarettes.

66. People seeking fame and fortune should dress up as dogs. Humans only get

their 15 minutes of fame yet every dog has it's day.

5. A heavy heart can weigh you down so cut it out and loose the frown.

6. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, cause the beholder is an

alcoholic.

7. If your going bald, tell everyone it’s because the size of you

brain is pushing all the hair out off your scalp.

8. Pretending your mental can get you free stuff as well as making that

girl (doesn’t work for chicks) you like go out with you cause she

feels sorry for you.

16. Hiring people whom are colour blind in you company can

save you money in colour photocopying and printing.

18. The road to knowing what fulfilment is may be long and difficult. Buy Phil

a burger and ask him about it.

20. If the queue is too long at your local post or rego office,

scream “bomb” at the top of you voice and watch the line disappear.

Unfortunately It is possible there will be no-one to serve you when

you get to the counter.

21. Political incorrectness is frowned upon these days. Show your political

correctness awareness by writing to your local representative and

demanding more realistic habitats for spastics.

27. A poison apple a day keeps the doctors away.

30. “Pop” shouldn’t be confused for music,

“snap” however, is considered good music.

53. Before sliced bread, the best thing was waterproof submarines.

60. An Engineering is extremely heavy and is only suitable for people

with immensely strong neck muscles and lobes of steal.

61. Air heads should be considered the most important people on earth,

as air is the thing that's taken for granted most.

70. Upon closer inspection one realises the cricket bat has no resemblance to

either of the species that had conceived it.

81. Two rights make a reverse. Three rights make a left.

83. Change is as good as a holiday only if you have a hell of a lot of it or if

it's a very cheap holiday.

84. If a tree falls on your head in the forest with, no one around to hear you

scream, does it hurt? Yes it does. A lot.

85. The way to your mans heart is via your good looking girlfriend.

93. If you have run out of money to buy drinks at the pub - lick toilets are

free and can usually be found at most establishments.

113. Throwing a chunk of ice at a girls head is not the best way to get to know

her, even if it does break.

114. Advertising you business by word of “mouth” is pointless. More words

need to be used.

123. The modelling industry has had trouble shaking their unfair reputation

of lacking in intelligence ever since the time Frankenstein’s assistant

Egor had an infatuation with supermodels.

127. Law enforcement agencies are outrage that love is blind yet cupid is entrusted

with a bow and arrow.

150. Take special care not to step on a mistletoe as missiles have a reputation

for having explosive tempers.