This was a little story created through email by a variety of people.
You know who you are……I’ll refrain from revealing their identities in
the vain attempt at not incriminating them.
It worked like a chain mail, but every one would add a paragraph. What we
got at the end is quite disturbing and that was probably the reason why it
was never finished. It was all too much to take.
There was talk of releasing this little gem to the world wide web, but none
of the participant wanted that hanging over their heads in case it came back
and bit us on the arse. Oh well…..here it is anyway.
A word of warning……..if you are over the age of 18,
It is recommended that you do not proceed and click here.
If you are immature are proud if it, then this may be less arduous to withstand.
Fug. The gnomes gnome.
Once upon a time, there lived
a grumpy old gnome named Fug. Fug loved
eating mushrooms and sometimes................
He would trip out (surprise
surprise), some of Fugs mates realised this and wanted some of their own to go
to a music Festival, they liked to tease Fug into submission by giving
him...................
little tickles on
his................
third nipple, which was
pierced with a chrome ring, decorated with a hanging symbol of.......
the Olympic rings. He treasured this, as it was given to him
by.....................
Carl Lewis. Carl could eat
mushies like there was no tomorrow. Fug couldn't keep up with him. But Fug was
in training now. He vowed that one day he would eat more mushies that Carl. One
hard one training day.......
Fug got really angry and took
a baseball bat along, then went home.
Fug forgot he was competing in a mushi eating competition, not
baseball. Fug's memory was getting worse
and worse, he needed to.......
Sober up and stop being a
grumpy dim witted drug takin pot smoking annoying little garden gnome. Striving
down the street like his shiit didn't stink, fug felt an urge to..............
BEAT HIMSELF OVER THE HEAD
WITH HIS BAT, BUT THAT WOULDN'T HELP HIM WIN THE MUSHI EATING COMPETITION. HE
COULDN'T LET CARL LEWIS BEAT HIM AGAIN SO HE THOUGHT OF A PLAN..........
He knew of a party carl was
holding, so he went undercover as a unicorn dressed as a ballerina with a limp.
Nobody suspected a thing until he accidentally....
Bent over to pick up his
umbrella that had dropped out of his margarita and WHOLLA out popped his jatz
crackers, a silence swept over the partygoers, like you would not believe, as
he carefully picked up his pieces, he regained his composure, took his hands
outta his pants and said...................
I bought the biscuits did
anyone bring the...........
little green cocktail pickled
onions that I like so much? Again everyone stayed silent and just stared at him
like he was a freak so he...............
closed his eyes, put his
hands over his large ears and started to mumble the mantra..........
By the time he re-opened is
eyes the party has dispersed all bar Carl, Fug looked at Carl, Carl looked at Fug and before they new what was
going on they..................
They were both scoffing down
mushies. It was a mushoff. Carl would pull out a piece and eat it. Then Fug
would pull out a bigger piece, show it to Carl and throw it into his mouth.
After....
eating the whole towns supply
of 'A' grade mushies, Fug looked at Carl and said "I sat around and
thought about the things we used to do, it really meant alot to me, ....you
mean alot to me..." and Carl replied.....
in the most tripped out hard
2 speak 2 tired and fuuked up voice "I really ment that much 2
u?".................
“well" fug said
"you actually mean fug all to me, I
have come here today to show you how well I have become at the mastery of
mushrooming, I have a new teacher who has many new talents that he has showed
me, that is why i came here to defeat you once and for all and too tell you a
few things. I am now an expert at budgie
smuggling cause my new teacher mat shirvington has showed me his special likra
tricks, and also to tell you that i...............
am.................your.............
father luke. sorry i vagued
out then & thought i was darth vader. I mean I am your lost twin, our eggs
were separated at conception and u were born to..............
the fresh princess of belair
national park - hence the reason you have been able to always eat more
mushrooms than I. For as we all know,
fungus of all types grows wild in the national parks, so you were weened on the
stuff". After this extremely long
winded sentence, Fug slumped to the floor, and let out a little pitiful
sniff. He continued...."I however,
I had the misfortune to be born to.........
Priscilla Queen of the
Desserts, she I mean he I mean my mum no my dad, well whatever it was I'll
always have my...............................
Traumatic memories of
mum..........um dad..........um it,pulling off credit cards one by one, off a
dress made of nothing but credit cards, at a foodland, trying to find one with
credit on it to buy cigarettes. The damn shemale went through the whole dress
and, and, and ooooohhohohoohoh I can't continue. It was horrible. And that is
why I must destroy you and..........................
all the damn crabs that are itching my balls,
it feels like I have a tractor in my balls, the whole process will start again
if i don’t destroy you 5 mins to midnight tomorrow night under the new moon. The night will be as black....as....as... a
night 5 mins to midnight. You will
suffer a slow, but mildly pleasurable i hear, death by......
death by humiliation, terror,
anguish and a dramatic moose fight that shall go on 4 a very long time indeed.
Mooses bite hard u know, and 1ce they've got you they don't give up easily, the
growl and snarl and pounce like a pair of old women fighting over a pair of
woolly sox in a k-mart sale u know, and 1ce you are dead they take u as prize
and further humiliate u by exploiting u on cheap Canadian sitcoms, stuffed and
roaming like u actually like chewing your own...........
mum........dad........its
chocalate cake, that fugs mum/dad used to make when fug was younger. Hearing of this moose fight made fug very
confident indeed, as when fug was smaller he was raised by a pack of moose
after his /mum/dad went on a very bad credit card binge and half killed
itself. It was a lovely time he had
frollicking through the woods with the king of moose, all he had to do was say
the magic line that the king moose had told him if he ever got into a massive
moose war, say the phrase...........
"Anger is one letter short of
danger". Fug thought long &
hard about this inspirational phrase, but he didnt understand it so he called
upon is old friend Mr Miyagi who told him wax on wax off and this will help u
understand, he was still very confused so he went to see his worstest enemy in
the entire world.............
…….things started to change.
Smorky was young and naive. There were two main things in her life – her
unending devotion to her favourite Strawberry Shortcake nose-hair pluckers, and
Fug’s bulbous, fur-packed shnozzle. But the day
gobstopper. It was huge……. Fug’s mouth was agape as the
gobstopper had locked his jaw. He said “
Orie I eed oo alk oo ou, ie aw it duck”
Smorky looked at him and turned away in disgust. See Smorky thought Fug said “Oreos I need a
poo, walk me for a #u*k.” That ended
their friendship along with their plans to…………………………
loose their virginity
together. Warran! Fug said. You are my worst enemy in the world. That is why I
have sought you
out. Our bitter rivalry and hatred
for each other has brought me to you. Fug paused and thought about what he was
saying. He though “why the fook am I here. I hate this guy. He is my worstest
enemy in whole wide world. Poo. I need to concentrate on killing my second
worst enemy in the whole wide world…………..CARL………….then I will reap revenge
on
in the day. Fug needed to relax and gather his head. He
reflected back to when grasshoppers caressed his tiny head, when little weeds
would brush up against his back in the wind.
This made him happy. Fug always
thought of driving Volvos. Volvo’s made
Fug happy too. One day he saw a Volvo ad
on TV; He had a smile from ear to ear for 3 weeks. If he ever got to drive a Volvo he’d take it
all the way to……….
Carls smelly rectum, and do
doughnuts and burnouts and stuff, he might even drop the clutch and do a big
smelly standstill in his arsse ! Then he’d drive out sideways. Yeah, that’ll
fuuuk him. And then Warren with a panel van and then Smorky that fat biitch
with a TRUCK !, MUAHAHAHAHAHA………, “settle down”, fug thought to himself, right
where were we ? Wheres those damn grasshoppers ? grasshoppers GRASSHOPPERS !
NIE ! ack, gather your thoughts young fug, make a plan then we shall………………….
Once again be whole…….. Fug got a huge idea, all he had to do was not
kill warren as that would be naughty and go against his religion of eastern
Istanbul monkish that he was studying, there was a way to make warren no longer
be his worst enemy in the world and that was to change his name, all fug had to
do was remove all of the rabbits out of his ass and he no longer would be a
warren but just a dirt hole, now he had to devise a plan to remove the rabbits,
all of a sudden he knew what he had to do, all he had to do was……………….
Build a pyramid (52o and
facing north) ensure that
….place a feed trough of
prime rabbit pellets directly under the apex if the pyramid. All he had to do
then, somehow lead the rabbits and their ill-fated host to their doom. Fug laid
a trail from
burrowing in fright. Through
said in a strong upper class
English accent “do you have a skipping
rope kind sir, I need a skipping rope, a skipping rope, a rope to skip with
kind sir”. Fug did indeed have one tucked away in his backpack (trippy gnome
survival tip #235 section A), but wasn’t about to just hand it over to the vile
cretin that exploded through
he saw two giant hands rising
up over the rolling hills in front of him.
Big fat huge splayed fingers, looking large enough to pick up Fug in
their huge grasp and hurtle him to Kingdom Come (which, incidently, is only 7km
Barry. “Hows it goin’”
groaned Barry with a dumb-ass ‘moose-look’ on his dial. Fug just remained
still, scratching his crotch. He let out an almost inaudible fart, lasting for
what seemed an eternity and finally responded to the moose with “So you’re a
moose, eh?”. “KING Moose to you”, he replied, chewing constantly. “What are you
doing in Mooseland, then? Art thou poaching my wild Prarie Poodles?”. Fug
acknowledged with a traditional ‘lower eyelid massage’ with his middle finger.
“You are a cheeky little gnome, aren’t you? For your impertinence, you must be
punished!”, yelled Barry (slowly and stupidly). Fug remained calm, raising an
eyebrow and scanning the immediate area. Suddenly, a hundred fluffy, pink
Prairie Poodles popped up all around Fug, front paws raised, looking hideously
adorable, all baring their cutsey, wutsey little teefies. “SIEZE HIM!” yawned
Barry. Trying not to laugh, Fug…..
, feeling rather gassy and
bloated, pulled out his cigarette lighter, assumed a farting position (where
one bends at the knees and hips, with chest and shoulders forward and anal
region backward) and let her rip. Once again it was silent death but this time
the fires of hell were at Fugs command for he had lit the vile stench. Fug,
still in the farting position, stood on his tippy toes and with his right foot
pushed himself into a spin. The smell of a hundred fluffy (well not so fluffy
at this stage), pink (kind of charcoley pink) barbequed Prairie Poodles wafted
into the air. A crown of onlookers flocked to the inferno and after the flames
had died down, a feast was had by all. Even Barry had a poodle or few and
commented on the interesting flavour, cooking with fart gas had given the meat.
“Anger is one letter short of Danger”,
Fug called out in triumph. Barry the Moose king, Looked at Fug in shock. “How
did you know that phrase”, Barry asked with a bewildered look on his face…..
“That’s the exact phrase I
was looking for to help me complete this phrase crossword puzzle for over
competent moooses !” he said pulling a rolled up magazine from his back loins.
“Let me see, 5 down, 8 across, A-n-g-e-r i-s o-n-e l-e-t-t-e-r
s-h-o-r-t o-f D-a-n-g-e-r”.
Suddenly a rumble started, very softly at first, then it got louder and louder,
“What the…..” said fug looking at barry, who was looking back at fug with a
very stupid look on his face, still chewing his cud mind you. Then just as
quickly as u can say ‘hey rocky watch me pull this rabbit outta my hat’ 4 afterburners appeared with quiet a loud
creeking sound underneath Barrys hooves, to the amazement of fug which looked
at barry in surprise, and of barry looking at fug with now quiet an audible
look of something between surprise and amazement, which was just a blank stupid
confused moose look, still chewing his cud, barry lifted off the ground, and
got higher, and higher and higher, until he was just a spec in the atmosphere,
“well, that was fuuken weird” said fug to himself, “now wheres that warren got
to ?”…………………….
‘Of course he is dead – that
huge rabbit that ejected itself from his stomach had killed him. He would eventually get around to killing
that rabbit but for now it could wait – it would have to die as it was still
part of warren and that was tearing him up on the inside that even the smallest
quark of warren was still alive it was going to hurt fug. All he had to do now was kill Carl and whats
her face, Carl would be harder, as for whats her face fug just had to use her
weakest asset to his advantage…… great all he needed then was to………………
give Smorky a facial. Her asset is her beauty, but her weakness is her
vanity! Once Smorky was laid out in
front of Fug, vulnerable after being cleansed of the impurities of makeup (and
Warren), there would be any number of ways to have her disposed……from poisoning
through an arsenic dipped pair of eyelash curlers, or using hydrochloric acid
for a “new age” facial peel, to using enough saline injections to enlarge her
lips to the size of a small African village, and then bursting them with a
triumphant “YEEHAH” and watching her deflate and fly around the room like a popped
balloon. The possibilities were endless
really, Fug just had to convince Smorky to let him do a facial for her…..
….A shiver ran over Fugs
spine like a caterpillar stepping on a landmine. A facial to Fug meant hours of
pain and suffering, so he prepared. First, a toasted cheese, tabasco and mushy
sandwich (don’t try this at home kids – this is experience talking!), followed
by a carton of ‘Old Incontinent Antelope Premium Lager’. Ready, he approached
Smorky, who happened to be down at the creek, poking Alfonz, the leper bridge
troll with a stick. “Hey, um, Smorky…yeah. Um… how’s about a facial?”
nonchalantly dribbled Fug. Smorky responded with a swift slap across Fug’s face
with one of Alfonz’s legs. “Nah, I meant, like a real kinda proper facial
without tissues and stuff…” added Fug, picking bits of troll from his eyebrows.
“Oh, allright. Where?”, asked Smorky. “Um, right over here, just under this……..
ten tonne weight hanging from
that flimsy looking tree branch. “OK”, said Smorky with a ditsy expression on
her face. Fug thought “this is going to be a piece of piss”, She’s dumber than
the weight precariously dangling above her hollow noggin. The world will be a
better place with one less stupid person in it. Fug felt a warm feeling of
community spirit rush over him. He had all the options covered. He had the
acid, the arsenic, a ten tonne weight, even a vat of saline solution but he was
undecided. Finally he decided to use everything. He made Smorky a drink with
arsenic in it. Then Fug laughed an evil laugh as he poured acid all over her.
”How’s that for a cleansing experience” he shouted. He then dragged over a hose
connected to the vat and shoved the end into her um.…..um…..nose. He filled her
like a water balloon. She was enormous. He grabbed the rope holding the weight
and said. ”Smorky. You’re a dumb bietch. I‘m doing my duty as a citizen of this
fine country and am taking you out. Goodbye. Just at that moment…………..
Smorky started to sing, a
sweet sweet sound that resonated all around Fug, causing fish to jump in
ecstasy from the creek bed, and butterflys to flutter around in glee. The streams of sunlight shining through the
tree branches and ten tonne weight seemed to grow brighter, and flowers
sprouted around Fug’s hairy feet. It was
BLISS….PARADISE…. Smorky crooned that song from the Johnson and Johnson ad
where the mother holds her baby for the first time, and the entire forest was
coming alive. Fug felt a warm, joyous
(and oddly sticky) feeling rush over him at the delight of hearing Smorky
sing. He felt such elation and rapture,
that he started to clap with pleasure…..thus letting go of the rope…..
…..There was a scream not
unlike the kind when a cat accidently slips off a hot iron roof, into a
planting of cactus 2 stories below. The weight fell. In the final moments
before it’s plunge onto it’s helpless victim, out of nowhere appeared a dark
streak, moving a incredible speed. It ran straight for the weight, and did a
dive roll right under it, plucking Smorky out at the same time. It was Carl. He
was moving like there was a 50% off sale at the horse tranquilizer supply
store. Carl heaved Smorky clear of her impending doom, but unfortunately for
him, he was a microsecond too late. As he emerged from the other side, the
weight landed on his legs, with a sound like a dingo biting into a baby.
‘AAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!’ exclaimed Carl, biting the tip off his tongue. “Damn you
Carl! Prepare to DIE!” belted out Fug with an obvious distaste to his tone. Fug picked up a nearby rusty pair of pliers
and proceeded to……
pull little chunks of flesh
from the now semi unconscious Carl. “That’s gonna take you ages. How about you
use these”. Smorky (still a fat saline filled blimp) started to pull out her
favourite Strawberry Shortcake nose-hair pluckers from her little Strawberry
Shortcake handbag. First came out the handles then a massive pivot and then the
rest. They were huge. “Well fark moiré” Fug exclaimed. “Smorky’s bag must be an
Abyss” he though. Now he knew why having
Smorky pluck his nose hairs was the most painful experience he had ever
endured. “Maybe it’s not supposed to hurt at all” he mused. Fug took a handle
in each hand and with one small tug took Carls head clean off. To his
amazement, Carls head started to sprout a new torso, legs and arms from the
severed neck. Fug, half from shock and half from pure hatred, started to pummel
the ever growing body with the nose hair pluckers. “Die you horse tranquiliser
educed abomination” Fug yelled in exasperation. After the new Carl was nothing
but a flat bloody mess on the ground……..
Fug did a back flip, pulled
the undies from out of his arse, and continued to…..
Sniff his fingers, gee he
loved the smell of his own 2 week old undies in the morning…….. well that was
sick thought Fug, the abyss – he had a way to defeat Smorky, Hey Smorky you wouldn’t happen to have any
cotton wool in that Strawberry Shortcake handbag there of yours would you – or
even a cotton farm?’ ‘Sure’ replied
Smorky as she put down the Strawberry Shortcake handbag and bent over it to
reach right in with both hands to remove some cotton wool, this was fugs chance
all he had to do was……………..
Kick her saline pumped arse
and have her topple into the abyss……..then again, one last feel of that rear
end would be a nice fringe benefit. As
Smorky rummaged through her bag, her butt wagging the air, Fug reached out with
his hairy gnome twisted splayed fingers and squeezed! Whoops -
a bit too rough! Due to the
pressure build up from the saline, Smorky promptly exploded!
Smorky now occupied the air
as a fine, sparkling saline mist. “Well I’ll be a buffalo’s teste bag!”
stammered Fug shocked and amused at the same time. He packed a pipe, sat down
on a nearby toadstool and chaffed away. Caught up in the moment of bliss, he
chaffed a little too hard, inhaled a hot rock and doubled over coughing
uncontrollably. From lack of oxygen, he began to lose consciousness…. Just
before he blacked out, he looked up and noticed a small fairy dressed like a
smack-addicted sex worker hovering above him….
Come on baby come no
baby……shouted fug with sweat dripping from his brow. Heather was screaming in
delight on the
Verge of the biggest orgasm
of her life. Come on roller girl bring it home for daddy. Her screams got more
and more intense until she stopped, turned around and slapped fug hard across
the face……”What did you do that for” Fug gasped. Without saying a word, she
slapped him again. Fugs vision became blurred and he yelled “nnnnooooooo…………. I
love you roller girl”. He realised it was all a dream and the fairy was
slapping him in the face with her little spanking paddle.
“hhmmmmm. So who’s been
wishing for Crack and sex for herself huh?”” The little crack whore fairy has,
hasn’t she?” asked Fug. The fairy blushed and said……..