Wombats Cornholed By Gayhem

Game Date: 19/06/2002

Well, like baby Superman entering the Earth's atmosphere, passing through that atmosphere, then some clouds and stuff and maybe a plane, and accelerating to supersonic speeds before impacting like a speeding comet into the biggest pile of horseshit the universe has ever seen, the season got worse for the Wombats tonight. The opponents were Gayhem - a group of effeminate nancies from the "before" shot of a remedial sexuality workshop, bopping around boisterously with their pastel kneepads and playfully slapping each other's taut, pert buttocks.

The Wombats on the other hand comprised the stalwarts from the first bruising encounter - Bayls, PJ, Kel and Craigie, while Murgs and Rick made their Winter 2002 debuts. And what a debut. Due to an unfortunate rectal mishap, team Gayhem was without the requisite scorer this evening, handing the Wombats a golden opportunity to capitalise and make ammends for the previous week's pisspoor effort, starting each set with 3 bonus points. The Wombats were half a man short as well, with Damo pulling out at the last minute like a nervous honeymooning Catholic. The small crowd rejoiced at the news, and returned to their normal viewing positions at each end of the court and on the balcony, secure in the knowledge that no ballistic spikes were likely to come their way.

The pre-game warmup looked promising, with Craigie working in the magic boot with a few measured kicks, while PJ and Rick unleashed some savagery in the form of a few punishing spikes. Totti, fresh from the set of his latest porno "Cornhole Cops VI" looked in menacing form, while Murgs rallied the team with some inspirational words of encouragement. There were a few hushed gasps as Bayls missed a pre-game crowd favourite - the slam dunk, but nobody realised the portent of doom that this was to be.

Game 1 was a corker. Both sides played extremely well. Serves were spot on, sets were pinpoint, and spikes were punishing. The Wombats raced to set point with the Gayhem lads left in a homoerotic tizzy back on 19. All that was needed was one solitary point. Just the one. Instead, the spectators were treated to a display of choking unrivalled since the all-bean taco night at Damos in 1999. Gayhem edged up to the Wombats score, and the game was locked at 25 apiece. Unfortunately for the Wombats, Gayhem clinched the set 27 - 25 in what can only be described as a disgrace to volleyball.

Game 2 was a repeat of the first game. Actually, I have no idea how the actual game went except to say that the scores were once again locked at 25 each. Once again, the Wombats, having put in the hard yards early on, fell apart like a badly assembled Kinder surprise toy and the Gaylords took the set 27-25.

Game 3 was a repeat of game 2 which was a repeat of game 1, except there was more kicking by Craigie, the stiff breeze was playing havoc with Kel's normally laser-guided serve, and Bayls was spitting the dummy more. The game ended on another predictably close score, with the Wombats bending over, grabbing their ankles, and taking it 25 - 23.

Game 4 - yeah that's right, game 4. The Gaylords, by this time assured of victory had begin to rejoice early, increasing the spanking activity to embarrasing levels between points. To the disgust of the Wombats players, several of the Gayhem players were seen to kiss openly, their tongues snaking between open mouths after a particularly arsey serve that clipped the net on the way though. It was tasteless, trashy and uncalled for and it was with relief that the final set was called off, the Wombats leading 16 - 14 at the conclusion.

So, in summary, the outing was a bitter dissapointment for the Struggling Wombats. Like a randy teenager trying to suck his own turgid cock, it was a case of so close, and yet so far for the Wombats outfit. The normally slick unit had the match in the bag so many times, and yet the cruelly winking Jap's eye of victory remained agonisingly out of reach. This doesn't bode well for their premiership chances as they slide deeper into the abyss of volleyball mediocrity. Could, as many pundits have suggested, this recent lacklustre performance merely be a cunning ploy to be relegated to a cushy berth in C-grade. Or has being unfairly beaten by a team of retarded ass-monkeys (and one hornbag) in the game to end all games last season destroyed the formerly invincible Wombats spirit?

For the sake of humanity, let us hope not.