Suckling Spam

Stardate: 7th Feb 2007
Listening to: Fan

Woke up this morning bright and early and did a quick mental status check.

• Build Queue: 96% and fine.
• Naming convention: undecided.
• Morning boner: present.
• Hardness Rating: granite.

Crushing my nocturnal stiffy back into my faded Target hipsters, I slid off the marital workbench and sprinted to the PC, salivating at the prospects of what elightenment the IGN forums would bestow on me this morning. Typing in the URL and hitting enter, I heard my trusty Linksys AG241 snap into action, briskly delivering packets to the lethargic, wheezing global bottleneck that is the St Marys exchange. As is my custom, I then ducked back to bed for another hour's sleep, before coming back to see if the page had loaded. Loaded it had, and with it a bonus! Alongside the IGN page was a grainy gif of Pamela Anderson with a "Distributor BBS" advert plastered on it. Momentarily confused, it was only when I saw the "All lines 14.4k" and the 7 digit phone number that I realised it was a link I'd clicked in the mid 1990's, which had finally been grudgingly processed by the groaning information Sarlac-pit of St Marys.

Anyway, minimising this page for later, when I hoped the progressive interlacing had reached b00b level I hit the spam forums, eager to begin a routine post quality audit I like to perform free of charge from time to time. With a sinking heart and churning stomach it became apparent that some dire form of textual cancer was spreading through the forum, seemingly unchecked! I quickly checked the status of the Pam-cans and noted with satisfaction that another 18 pixels had appeared, (fast bandwidth day) and launched into my summary review using the International Internet Forum Rating Standard (v1.3.37 2005). Anyone familiar with this standard will know that each post is rated for merit and marked with the Splado-head visual indicator. The Splado-head rating system is the inverse of real life, where more heads is better.

Let's briefly examine some of the key findings:

Ranting assessment of vacuous posts omitted

Overall, a lacklustre posting performance by all concerned. I will be hosting remedial spam posting workshops commencing mid-February and based on the sorry turnout of vacuous spam I've waded through today I'll expect a massive turnout.

We need to all pull together and insert the quality back into the velvety folds of the spam forum so that browsers, proxy servers, and caches the world over will overflow with Splado-heads, the refreshing and comforting affirmation that equilibrium has returned to the universe, and all is right with the world.

I'll be off watching TV, so someone PM me when it happens. :)