It's an Ostwind Jim!

Stardate: 12th Feb 2007
Listening to: Illegal Sprinkler
Build Queue: 97%
Cynicism: 75%
Naming Convention: 80%

Got home late from work tonight. I wasn't working late, but I'd just been educated about a number of hidden dangers lurking on our roads and sat at work literally too scared to drive my car. For a good 20 mins, I was on hands and knees measuring the Phad Ride's Bridgestone Baldies with a plastic ruler, trying to determine whether the tyres were susceptible to sudden "railing" or whether my shockers were mistakenly set to maximise "bump steer". They say ignorance is bliss, and it's certainly true in this case, as I finally mustered the courage to put the car into motion and drive home at 25km/h, hands tightly gripping the wheel, and hazard lights flashing. A few people yelled out "Hey Todes!" as they flashed past, only realising their mistake when confronted by my brazen good looks and disengaged handbrake. Thankfully the road gods were with me, and I made it home alive, despite a hairy moment when I nearly aquaplaned into low Earth orbit on the residue of a dropped McDonalds soft serve I miraculously managed to be able to bump steer around.

Happy to be alive, I fired up the forums to see what was going down. Not in a sexual way because it's before 10pm, but in a general, less sexual and more 'sup dawg' kinda homie shnizzle ma fnizzle yo pizzle yo dawg yo sup szizzle yo illegal street art kinda way. What was immediately obvious was that it's been a busy few days. Someone's gone to their freezer and selected an orange popsicle by accident, but then eaten it anyway, while someone else found some large grapes. Just when I was thining it doesn't get any better than this, I find the thread where forum "Jedi Upstart" The Bourne Identity started a thread for people to post pics of potato salad. Sometimes I'm in awe of these forum legends, and it really hammers home how far I have to go before I'm truly accepted into the Brotherhood of Nod(e). My first reaction to finding a giant grape is to eat the giant grape, and my first reaction to hearing some catchy or obscure song lyric is to silently repeat it inside my head. I'm gradually trying to train myself to replace these first instincts with an urge to get to the nearest PC and type them into a spam thread so that the world can share the excitement. I'll never forget where I was when I found out that Batesy found that grape (in front of the PC) or where TastyNapalm made his 8th thread about Groundskeeper Willy (in front of the PC) or where Siddles found that link to a funny t-shirt (in front of the PC). These memories will be etched into my memories as indelibly as when Challenger exploded, Princess Di pranged and Goth took off in BF2 without hitting a tree.

My outsider status was also confirmed yet again in IGN's IRC channel, the imaginatively-named #ign when I was banned for the 28th time, this time for joking that an admin was gay. Him being gay wasn't the joke - in fact the gay part, and the admin part were irrelevant to the humour of the joke. It was like doing a knock knock joke and then getting banned because someone thinks you're calling them too poor to own a doorbell, which is also amusing in its own way. It also gave me the idea of creating a list of the top 10 bans I've had, and the hilarity that ensued after each one. It promises to be amusing and educational, since there are a lot of traps for the unwary IRC minnow dumped into the pool that is #ign, and itching to slap someone with a trout!

I've also just read the posts in this thread. Some brilliant self-quoting and +1 work has clearly gone into some of these posts, but then there also seems to be an inordinate number of posts relating to the forum cancer that is the TEA "Fruit Thread". Describing the contents of this dire blight on the face of the internet would be a Security Breach the likes of which the world hasn't seen since Shadowrunner saw which finger Joker used to type the "1" in "Joker1" back when he was a BF2 admin. Suffice to say, it's a form of moronic cancer spreading through the TEA forums like a "scrunch or fold" poll, infecting any and all who set eyes upon it with a form of instantaneous vacuous dementia which manifests itself in the urge to vomit forth some textual contribution to what is already a fetid miasma of yellowing stagnation.

I also note Todes's pseudo-correction about the Ostwinds. This from the forum's expert on all things German, who never hesitates to rapidly apply this vast knowledge to all situations. "'99 Red Balloons' is not a literal translation!' he'll bellow, while flecks of Grolsch-flavoured spittle spray his captive audience, "'Kransky' is not German for 'Cawk'!". So vigorous is his application of this all German knowledge that he's respectfully known as the "Nazi Nazi" or simply Nazi^2 to the guys in his chemistry club. Anyway, back to the correction which it turns out is incorrect, making it an anti-correction. For this he can be excused, since in any given game, both his Motor Pool and Tank (aka Ostwind) factories are only standing for a very short time before being pulverised by an arty barrage.

Anyway, that's it for today since I must off and do other things. Like Silent_Stan at the urinal, this will just be a short one. If this post failed to live up to your expectations, I'm sorry. That's the beauty of these forums though - one man's trash is another man's treasure and there's a world of spammy little treasures out there for all of you if this one's not your cup o' tea! :-)

Added an exciting movie of the Ostwind being born from the TANK FACTORY!

http://users.on.net/~mjbayly/games/COH/COH01.avi