If I Were a Gamer Admin!

Stardate: 20th Feb 2007
Listening to: Fans
Build Queue: T-plus 48 hours
Cynicism: 52%
Naming Convention: 80%

An IGN admin wrote:

On your account, cheats, detected.
Thus your ban appeal is rejected.

If I was a gaming admin, I'd hand out bans like this (while dodging flying pigs and watching Satan shiver):

Once upon a server dreary
While I adminned, tired and bleary
Watching smacktards crash and morons typing "u suck! u eat poo!"
While I looked on finger waving
FRAPS recording/screenshot saving
Soon a special fscktard dolphin-dived into my field of view
Throwing nades and dropping expacks, turning teammates into goo
Think I'll keep my eye on you

Quickly tabbing to the forums
Reading spam: trite lame and boring
"Back to BF2!" I sighed as EA's finest came to view
"Where's this retard now?", I muttered
As my Node EXTREME plan sputtered
Every packet through St Marys crawled as if restrained by glue
Holding, hugging every byte of code before bidding adieu
Full speed clearly deemed taboo

But my admin tasks resuming
Scrolling here and there then zooming
Once again I found my smacktard now inside an Allied tank
"Well at least he's isn't nading!"
So I said, my anger fading
But no wait what's this, it seems he's just an armour whoring skank!
He's camping up the uncap, pumping up his global rank!
It's some Krimson-like tank-wank!

"ur a wanka!" screeched a victim
Quite a terse and astute dictum
But that language really has no rightful place around the 'Node
Kittycatarcane's a minor
Proven by her bald vagina
And she might be on the server soon and have her ears explode
By filth transmitted via asynchronous transfer mode
Time to ban this swearing chode!

Faithful FRAPS screenied the swearword
Photoshop fixed up the scoreboard
All the evidence now safely stored aboard my RAID array
To the super-secret forums!
To those admin sanatoriums!
Where the rules are made and bans discussed and cabbage rules the day
Where "crackwhore" links, "eleven" threads and jokes that say "Dave's gay"
Wont be banning Bayls today!

Evidence safely uploaded
BF2's tard count eroded
I'd then settle back reflecting, pondering on a job well done
Though with grammar unbecoming
Sure the ban appeal was coming
No doubt: "It was my brother!" or "My second cousin's son!"
"Somebody hacked my EA key!" "He camped me with his gun!"
"My shoelace came undone!"

"Sorry bud, that's no excuse!"
So I'd say, "you dumbass goose!"
As you joined "The Gulf of Oman" down the bottom was a link
Yes I know it's hard to notice
When the gameplay is your focus
Yes I know that with a dual core you can miss it if you blink
It's to keep the expectations of our customers in sync
Read the rules now and rethink

And once your memory's bloated
With the rules you've fully noted
You can head on down to Berlin Wall and buy another key
All your stats are now departed
But don't get sad and downhearted
Don't vent your spleen, don't cry unfair like some howling banshee
Don't hate the player, hate the game, this wasn't my decree
So don't come whine to me.