Season 7

Lessons

Buffy: Never forget it. It doesn't matter how well-prepped you are or well-armed you are. You're a little girl.
Dawn: Woman.
Buffy: Little woman.
Dawn: I'm taller than you!
Buffy: He's a vampire, okay? Demon. Preternaturally strong, skilled with powers no human could possibly ever..
Vampire: Excuse me.. I think I'm stuck.
Buffy: Your stuck?
Vampire: My foots caught on a root or something

Dawn: It's nothing. It's just a scrape. Plus, I had a plan the whole time.
Buffy: Really?
Dawn: Yeah, I planned to get killed, come back as a vampire, and bite you

Willow: Is there anything you don't know everything about?
Giles: Synchronized swimming. Complete mystery to me.

Giles: It's all right. I think she was just..
Willow: Afraid? Yeah. They all are. The coven is.. they're the most amazing women I've ever met. But there's this look that they get. Like I'm going to turn them all into bangers and mash or something. Which I'm not even really sure what that is.

Buffy: You're unconscionably spiffy.
Xander: Client meeting. How exactly do you make cereal?
Buffy: Ah. You put the box near the milk. I saw it on the Food Channel. You want something?
Xander: I ate. I'm good. How are you?
Buffy: My sister's about to go to the same high school that tried to kill me for three years. I can't change districts, I can't afford private school, and I can't begin to prepare for what could possibly come out of there. So… peachy with a side of keen, that would be me.

Dawn: Hey. Check out Double-O Xander.
Buffy: Go. Talk with your mouth full.

Buffy: Now remember, if you see anything strange or, you know.. dead.
Dawn: I got it.
Buffy: And stay away from hyena people or any lizardy-type athletes. Or if you see anyone that's invisible..
Dawn: Hey, Buffy, I think it's pretty safe to say I'm not going to see anybody that's invisible.
Buffy: You know, you could still drop out. Only nerds finish high school.

Principal Wood: You seem a bit young to have such a grown-up daughter.
Buffy: No! Uh, no. Sister.
Principal Wood: Oh, right. Of course.
Buffy: You didn't really think she's my.. it's my hair. I have mom hair.

Buffy: Oh, Dawn..
Dawn: I know! You never know what's coming, the stake is not the power, To Serve Man is a cookbook. I love you. Go away!

Halfrek: Waitress downtown. Wished her husband was a frog. You made him French!
Anya: He's smelly! And with a little moustache, he..

Xander: No damage, though?
Buffy: I think I may have destroyed Dawn's social life in all of about thirty seconds but apart from that, no.
Xander: Ah, being popular isn't so great. Or so I've read in books.

Principal Wood: The school board recommended I spend a little time reading your record. It's.. quite a page-turner. Kind of a checkered past.
Buffy: More like a plaid. Kind of a clan tartan of badness, really. But there were factors.

Buffy: Wrong sister. I'm the one that dates dead guys. And no offense but, they were hotties. I mean, I'm sure you had a great personality...

Buffy: If at first you don't succeed... cheat.

Spike: Buffy, duck
Buffy: What? Duck? There's a duck?
Spike: No visitors today. Terribly busy

Spike: Don't you think I'm trying! I'm not fast, not a quick study. I dropped my board in the water and the chalk all ran. Sure to be caned. Should've seen that coming.
Xander: Contracty goodness!

Beneath You

Xander: Please, outside of drugs, and violence, and unwanted pregnancy, and, uh, unleashing of hordes of armageddon that comes pouring out of the school's foundation every now and then... what trouble could these kids have?

Principal Wood: There's only three things these kids understand — the boot, the bat, and the bastinada. (He laughs. Buffy stares at him.) It's a... it's a... it's a bad joke. It's the bastinada. No one ever knows what that thing is.
Buffy: A wooden rod used to slap the soles of the fee in Turkish prisons, but if made with the correct wood, makes an awesome billy club.

Giles: The taxi's here.
Willow: I know.
Giles: And in keeping with quaint old British tradition, you would now be expected to get into it.

Giles: Try to be very specific. What exactly are you afraid of?
Willow: Well for starters, the Hellmouth's gettin' all rumbly again. And now I know it's got teeth. And are those literal teeth, 'cause I don't know if I can handle it. And what if I can handle it? Does that mean I have to be a bigger, badder bad-ass than the source of all badness? And- well, what if I give up all this control stuff and I go all veiny and homicidal again? And what if—

Xander: If you're uncomfortable, we can make you leave.

Dawn:</b> You sleep, right? You — vampires — you sleep?
Spike: Yeah. What's your point nibblet?
Dawn: Well, I can't take you in a fight or anything, even with the chip in your head. But you do sleep. If you hurt my sister at all, touch her... you're gonna wake up on fire.

Xander: Sunnydale: Come for the food, stay for the dismemberment.

Nancy: So... um, do you think I might, instead, give you a call sometime?
Xander: Just to check in?
Nancy: No, actually I'm hitting on you.
Xander: Even better. I'm very listed.
Nancy: And, I'm really pushy, so that works out... well, then.

Anya: See, honey, what I'm driving this towards here is sometimes, don't you just wish that— Oh, penis.

Anya: I had a quota, the guy had it coming. What's the big?
Nancy: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Buffy: Anya, that thing you created burst through solid pavement and ate her dog.
Anya: Oooh, puppy!
Xander: Wait — that gets your sad noise? People's lives are in danger, and you give it up for the Yorkie?

Nancy: Is there anyone here that hasn't slept together?
Anya: Look, at least we're all bipeds, which is more than I can say for Ronnie the Worm Boy.

Buffy: Spike, have you completely lost your mind?
Spike: Well, yes. Where have you been all night?

Same time, Same Place

Anya: What are you doing here? I thought you were with Giles, studying how to not kill people.
Willow: I just got back.
Anya: Just got back as in, you're all better, or just got back to bring a fiery apocalypse of death?

Anya: Here's something you should know about vengeance demons. We don't groove with the sorry. We prefer, "Oh god! Please stop hitting me with my own rib bones!"
Willow: Go on. Say whatever you want. Rib bones and so forth. I-I deserve it.
Anya: And you won't mind? Well, then that's no fun!

Willow: Wait, Spike's what in the what-ment?
Anya: Insane. Base.

Spike: Out! This is my place! You need permission to be here! You need a special slip with a stamp!

Buffy: He's talking about Willow.
Xander: And that means something, because he's chock full of sanity.

Spike: I have to go. There are things here without permission. I have to check their slips. Make sure they have... authorization.

Anya: Come in! Enjoy my personal space.

Willow: Okay, do you have your powder?
Anya: Ooh, I ate that. I have it.

Dawn: He laps up the blood. You could say it's like his natural beverage.
Xander: You're terrifying.
Buffy: It's pretty easy. Spike follows the exciting smell of blood, and we follow the fairly ripe smell of Spike.
Dawn: It's smellementary! And, um, I'm sure there's tons of stuff like this, you know, procedures we can use that don't involve magic spells, just good solid detective work. And we could develop a database of tooth impressions and demon skin samples, and I could wear high heels more often!
Buffy: Wow, that was so close to being empowered.
Dawn: Everybody loves a slender ankle!

Buffy: It's a rock cliff.
Xander: Well, give him a break, Buffy. Maybe it's a vicious skin-eating rock cliff.
Spike: There's a cave in it. Look. I'm insane. What's his excuse?

Anya: Buffy is fighting the demon over there, see, but if they get too close, I'm gonna have to run.

Help

Buffy: What if their problems are weird and tricky?
Xander: I think you underestimate your familiarity with the world of weird and tricky.

Xander: "From beneath you, it devours." It's not the friendliest jingle, is it? It's no "I like Ike" or "Milk, it does a body good."

Willow: I mean, a lot of teens post some pretty angsty poetry on the web. I even posted a melodramatic love poem or two back in the day.
Xander: Love poems?
Willow: I'm over you now, sweetie.
Xander: Looove poems!

Buffy: You aren't mad at Cassie, with her rejecting you like that?
Mike: Nah. She's a girl, right? Making boys crazy is like her job description.
Buffy: You're asking my sister to the dance? And she's your second choice?! I'm keeping an eye on you.

Selfless

Buffy: I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
Xander: Hopes? Oh, no no no no. There are no hopes. Anya and I are done. I love being single! I'm a strong, successful male who's giddy at the thought of all the women I will no doubt be dating in the near future.
Buffy: Strong, successful males say "giddy"?

Xander: She seems so sad.
Dawn: She should try acting like everybody else more.
Willow: Apparently it's what all the kids are doin' nowadays.

Olaf: I've told you a thousand times, I have no interest in this Rannveig. Her hips are large and load-bearing, like a Baltic woman. Your hips are narrow, like a Baltic woman from a slightly more arid region.

Olaf the Troll: Stop! Stop! It is Olaf!
Villager: The troll is doing an Olaf impersonation!
Olaf: I am Olaf!
Villager: Hit him with fruits and various meats!

Olaf: Come here tiny man! You are small and toylike!

D'Hoffryn: The flaying of Warren Meers? Oh, truly inspired. That was water cooler vengeance. Lloyd has a sketch of it on his wall.

Buffy: I killed Angel. Do you even remember that? I would have given up everything I had to be with - I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life. And I put a sword through his heart because I had to.

Anya: Mrs. Anya lame-ass-made-up-maiden-name... Harris.

D'Hoffryn: Isn't that just like a Slayer? Solving all her problems by sticking things with sharp objects.

D'Hoffryn: I think we already know what lady hacks-away wants.

Him

Xander: You're going to live in that small room over there. I know it looks like a closet but it's a room now. You're not going to touch my food. I take the first shower in the morning and if I use up all the hot water, that's your tough noogies. (To Buffy.) And I hate this plan. (Back to Spike.) Are you keeping up or do you need some kind of English-to-Constant-Pain-in-My-Ass translation?
Buffy: Invitation?
Xander: Is there something more emphatic than hate? Can I revile the plan? Fine. (To Spike.) I invite you in. Nimrod.
Spike: I'll go. This can't work.
Buffy: It will. I-it already is. OK, you know, you've been out of the basement for half an hour, and you've already stopped talking to invisible people.
Spike: Bollocks.
Buffy: OK, so there was that one episode in the car, but -
Spike: No, bollocks to the whole thing. I don't need your mollycoddling.
Buffy: It's not coddling. Now go to your closet.
Anya: Well, I-I guess you guys could use my help. Willow's not very good with the practical strategizing - except when she's evil. And Dawn - she's not really good for anything.
Xander: Remember when she used to have a crush on me? I miss the much cuter "me" crush.

Xander: Well, Spike definitely seems a little more cogent, less bl-bl-bl-bl-bl. I'm just saying... once you get back the soul, doesn't that mean you start, like, picking up your own wet towels off the floor?
Willow: No, but maybe you start to feel really bad about leaving them there.
Buffy: At least he's showering, and that's a refreshing and delightful change.

Buffy: The one who, according to Dawn, is the quote smartest, funniest, coolest, hottest, and having the thickest boy eyelashes boy in school unquote.

Xander: Oh. Oh! No! "Daddy" - No, I wasn't - When I was looking, I wasn't - Oh, God!
Willow: Right there with ya, hun.
Buffy: OK, first with the lap dance, now with the catfight. Hey, you wanna get drunk and barf next?

Xander: I just called him "that guy in the jacket".
Dawn: That's what I used to call him in my head before I knew his real name!
Buffy: Why? Because he's younger than me? You know, I'm extremely youthful. And peppy.

Anya: Crazy little lust puppies, aren't they?
Xander: Well, at least the yelling went away. It was starting to sound like Christmas morning with my family.

Willow: Damn love spell. I have tried every anti-love spell spell I could find.
Anya: Even if you find the right one, the guy would probably just do an anti-anti-love spell spell... spell.

Willow: But you don't even know him!
Anya: Yes, I do. I looked into him and saw his soul.
Willow: He was walking away, so unless his soul was in his ass -

Buffy: Willow, you're a gay woman - and he isn't.
Willow: This isn't about his physical presence. It's about his heart.
Anya: His physical presence has a penis!
Willow: I can work around it!
Anya: Well, you're gonna have to do better than that - I'd kill for him.
Willow: You'd kill for a chocolate bar.

Willow: Yeah, well I have skills. I can prove my love with magic.
Anya: Yeah, right. What're you gonna do - use magic to make him into a girl? Damn.

Buffy: Xander, be honest. You didn't, you know, think about slipping that jacket on just a little bit?
Xander: I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.

Anya: It was a spell. You were helpless. We're not responsible for anything we did morally or, you know, legally...
Xander: True. You fell for a mystical, ancient curse. Who hasn't made that mistake seven, eight times?

Conversations with Dead People

Jonathan: Of course I'm scared. Last time we were here, 33.3 percent of us were flayed alive.

Dawn: Anchovies, anchovies, you're so delicious. I love you more than all the other fishes.

Holden: Well, you were never around. A lot of kids thought you were dating some really old guy, or that you were just heavy religious. Scott Hope said you were gay.
Buffy: What? I dated that ringworm.
Holden: He says that about every girl he breaks up with. And then last year, big surprise, he comes out.
Buffy: Men. I know how to pick 'em.

Buffy: Yeah, what I really need is emotional therapy from the evil dead.

Andrew: We find it. We alert the slayer. We help her destroy it. We save Sunnydale. Then we join her gang and possibly hang out at her house.

Andrew: You keep leaving me. I hate it when you leave me. One time you died, and I ended up a Mexican.
Holden: Oh, well, you know, not my God, because I defy him and all of his works, but - Does he exist? Is there word on that, by the way?
Buffy: Nothing solid.

Willow: A lot of people grieve. They don't make with the flaying.

Willow: I am the power. It's in me. Did I mention the random destruction of property? The Magic Box is not so much a box now -

Sleeper

Xander: I don't know, creature of the night, Buff. He's probably out creaturing.

Xander: Why would a vampire lie about who sired him. What's that? Some kind of status symbol for the undead. My sire can beat up your sire.

Xander: OK, let's look at this objectively. Figure it out in a cold, impersonal, CSI-like manner 'cause we're a couple of carpet fibers away from a case.

Anya: Better be, because if I get vamped, I'm gonna bite your ass.
Xander: Wouldn't be the first time.

Anya: All I'm saying is soulless Spike would have had me upside down and halfway to happy land by now.

Buffy: Oh, uh, actually, I need some help. I'm looking for this guy. Bleach-blonde hair, leather jacket, British accent? Kind of sallow, but in a hot way?
Bouncer: Yeah, yeah, I know the guy. Billy Idol wannabe?
Buffy: Actually, Billy Idol stole his look from - never mind.

Xander: Oh, an out of control serial killer. You're right, that is a great houseguest.

Never Leave me

Anya: Shouldn't we stab him through the chest? Isn't that what we do when these things happen?

Warren: Pretty bitchin', right? I'm like Obi Wan?
Andrew: Or Patrick Swayze

Willow: I'm talking. Don't interrupt me, insignificant man. I am Willow. I am death. If you dare defy me, I will call down my fury, exact fresh vengeance, and make your worst fears come true. OK?

Anya: No, you were great! And I wasn't sure if I should slap him, but then he made me want to slap him, so I thought, OK, slap him!

Anya: Maybe it's another musical. A much crappier musical.

Bring on the Night

Xander: It's a loop...like the Mummy Hand. I'm doomed to replace these windows for all eternity.

Anya: Please, how many times have I heard that line in my demon days? "I'm so rotten, they don't even have a word for it. I'm bad. Baddy bad bad bad. Does it make you horny?" Or terrified. Whatever.

Dawn: There's blood on this. Lots. Looks like the first made another sacrifice. Or a music video.

Giles: Sorry to barge in. We have a slight apocalypse.

Buffy: You know, I didn't even realize it was December. Maybe when we get home, we should decorate the rubble.

Xander: Who's joking? That pantry thing could work. Are you saying M. Night Shamalayan lied to us?

Showtime

Rona: Um...why is that guy tied to a chair?
Xander: The question you'll soon be asking is, "Why isn't he gagged?"

Torg: Three, but who's counting. You broke my heart, Anyanka.
Anya: Don't be so dramatic, Torg. You don't even have a heart. Six spleens, two stomachs, half a brain maybe, but no heart.

Anya: It was one date. And it wasn't even a date. We just happened to be invited to the same massacre, and - and you hit on me after I had a few...
Torg: I remember, you wore pink.
Anya: Those were entrails.

Torg: Ugh, please, you're human. The way you look now, I wouldn't touch you for all the kittens in Korea.
Anya: You're rejecting my offer of sexual bribery? What am I, a leper in this town? I can't even give it away!

Andrew: Ow! Watch it! That's my joystick hand.

Beljoxa’s Eye: The eye sees not the future, only the truth of the now and before.
Anya: Yes, we've all got that - it's called memory. Can you help us out with something a little bit more demony?

Willow: Facing my fear. I'm facing my fear. Hear that, Fear? I'm facing you.

Kennedy: How's evil taste?
Willow: A little chalky.

Potential

Amanda: Do people ever think you’re weird?
Buffy: I guess… sure. In a charming, endearing, lovable…yeah.

Xander: Wait, the seers couldn’t find out her name or her address or anything? Am I getting the definition of “seer” wrong?

Andrew: I’m not begging!
Buffy: You’re like a small dog dancing for Snausages.

Buffy: He’s not evil but when he gets close to it, he picks up its flavor, like a mushroom or something.

Andrew: Killing pigs is just so wrong… and also hard…

Anya: Yes, it’s like one second you’re this klutzy teenager with fake memories and a history of kleptomania and then suddenly you’re a hero. A hero with a much abbreviated life span.

Willow: A Slayer… makes sense, I guess. Remember that thing about they share the same blood or whatever?
Anya: Yeah, I never got that.

Andrew: Holy crap. Excuse me. Plucked from an ordinary life… handed a destiny…
Xander: Say Skywalker and I smack you.
Anya: Want me to kick down the door?
Xander: Anya…
Anya: What? I think it’d be funny.

Xander: Seven years, Dawn. Working with the Slayer. Seeing my friends get more and more powerful. A witch, a demon. Hell, I could fit Oz in my shaving kit but come a full moon he had a wolfy mojo not to be messed with. Powerful, all of them. And I’m the guy who fixes the windows.
Dawn: Well, you had that sexy Army training for a while and…the windows really did need fixing.

Xander: They’ll never know how tough it is, Dawnie. To be the one who isn’t chosen, to live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody’s watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You’re not special. You’re extraordinary.
Dawn: Maybe that’s your power.
Xander: What?
Dawn: Seeing. Knowing.
Xander: Maybe it is. Maybe I should get a cape.

The Killer in Me

Giles: I don't think they appreciate the gravity of what we're undertaking. How frightening and difficult it is. Apparently somebody told them that the visionquest consists of me taking them into the desert and doing the hokey pokey until a "spooky rasta mama Slayer" appears and talks to them in riddles.

Giles: Yes. S'mores. I'm going to end up singing campfire songs, aren't I?
Willow: You know, there are other stories from kindergarten, non-yellow-crayon stories, in which you don't come out in such a good light. An incident involving Aquaman Underoos, for example. Want me to start talkin'?
Xander: Hey! Willow!

Andrew: What? Why? 'Cause I used to be evil?
Xander: Well, actually, no, 'cause you're annoying, but, yeah, that's a good reason, too.

Anya: Which means we're already too late, we're heading out to the middle of nowhere --
Dawn: With no Slayer, no powerful witch...
Anya: Just a teenager, a powerless former demon and two big geeks.

Giles: Gah!
Xander: Touch him!
Dawn: I feel him! I feel him!
Xander: Me too.
Andrew: Me too!
Giles: Yes. Good. We all feel each other. Including those of us who don't really know each other well enough to take such liberties. I assume there's a perfectly reasonable and not-at-all insane explanation coming, yes?
Anya: We thought you might be non-corporeal evil.

Giles: Well, I... I really don't know what to...Wait, let me understand. You thought I was evil because I took a group of young girls on a camping trip and didn't touch them??

Initiative General: He indicated you might be needing our assistance. We're to provide you anything you need to help Ass-face here. Those were his exact words, ma'am.

First Date

Buffy: It's not even that his behavior's that suspicious. But there he is, right over the Hellmouth all day every day. It's gotta be like being showered with evil, only from underneath.
Willow: Not really a shower.
Buffy: A bidet, then. A bidet of evil.

Xander: Also, like, ten years older than you, right?
Willow: Which makes him, like a hundred years younger than your "type."
Buffy: Yay, someone who doesn't remember the industrial revolution.

Jonathan/First: Really? Why? So you can earn a spot on her little pep squad? You think she'll ever let you in? You're a murderer.
Andrew: Confidentially, a lot of her people are murderers. Anya and Willow and Spike...
Xander: What do you think happened? Another demon woman was attracted to me! But I've got the answer! Willow! Gay me up! C'mon! Let's gay!
Willow: What?
Xander: You heard me. Tell me what to do. I'm mentally undressing Scott Bakula, that's a start, right?

Xander: C'mon Willow, let's get this gay show on the gay road. Help me out here!
Buffy: What if you just start attracting male demons?
Dawn: Clem always liked you.

Get it Done

Andrew: Where the hell have you been? This funnel cake is kicking my ass.

Buffy: This is Andrew. He's our...actually, he's our hostage.
Andrew: I like to think of myself more as a "Guest-age."

Willow: Oh. Hey. Hi. Well, Buffy, I see our preparations for the... school...pep-dance-cheer-drill-contest are really coming along. "Bring it On!"
Buffy: Will, it's okay, he knows.
Willow: Oh, thank God. If I had to explain all these weapons? I had nothing.

Anya: But you fought like such a wimpire, what with the lifting and the running.

Dawn: Smelled weird. Kinda like grandma’s closet… but worse.
Buffy: I didn’t know that was possible.

Xander: Well, yeah, but only because you kinda told us to. You’re our leader, Buffy, as in “follow the”.
Buffy: Well, from now on I’m your leader as in “do what I say”.
Xander: Ja voll. But let’s not try to forget, we’re also your friends.

Xander: It’s cryptic. I don’t like it. Every time instructions get cryptic, someone gets hurt. Usually me.

Storyteller

Andrew: Entertaining and educating.
Anya: Why can’t you just masturbate like the rest of us?

Buffy: If you’re running to catch the bus naked, that’s a dream. Army of vicious vampire creatures, that’s a vision. Also, I was awake.
Wood: A bus to where?

Buffy: What? You stabbed Jonathan to death. What were you trying to do? Scratch his back from the front?

Lies my Parents told me

Buffy: Hey, any apocalypse I avert without dying. Those are the easy ones.

Buffy: Giles -- what's wrong?
Giles: Have you seen the new library? It's nothing but computers. Not a book to be seen. I don't know where to begin... Buffy, who do we talk to?

Giles: We should go before the school board.
Wood: What?
Giles: I can have my backup library sent from home, in the meantime. It isn't much, but--
Buffy: Giles --
Giles: Knowledge comes from crafted bindings and pages, Buffy, not ones and zeroes.

Wood: Wait. Sorry. Chip?
Giles: Long story--
Buffy: Military put a chip in Spike's brain so he couldn't hurt anyone.
Giles: And that would be the abridged version.

Buffy: I dunno. I mean... Not like it had a catchy hook or anything, like, "I'm Comin' Up So You Better Get This Party Started." It was boring, old, and English. Just like yo--ul. Brynner. Yul Brynner. A... British Yul Brynner.

Spike: Oh, bollocks-- All the rubbish people keep sticking in my head...it's a wonder there's room for my brain.
Giles: I don't think it takes up that much space, do you?

Dirty Girls

Spike: Angel's dull as a table lamp. And we have very different coloring.

Spike: Not all that tension was about you. Giles was a part of a plan to kill me...for Buffy's own good.
Faith: Well, that makes me feel better about me, worse about Giles...kinda shaky about you.

Amanda: What the hell are you talking about? I thought Faith killed a volcanologist.
Andrew: Silly, silly...Amanda. Why would Faith kill a person who studies Vulcans?

Faith: Three squares, nice weight room, movie every third Sunday. Could've been worse.
Spike: What movie?
Faith: Last one was Glitter. I guess it couldn't have been worse.

Faith: Don't even tell me little Miss Tightly-Wound's been getting her naughty on?

Buffy: It could be a girl, a potential trying to get to us.
Giles: It could be a stapler.

Andrew: Godzilla's mostly Tokyo-based, so he's probably a no-show.
Amanda: Besides, if Matthew Broderick can kill Godzilla, how tough is he?
Andrew: Xander...
Xander: Matthew Broderick did not kill Godzilla. He killed a big, dumb lizard. That was not the real Godzilla.

Xander: Well, that's where, generally speaking, you'd go to find the bad guy. And I don't think you came here to fight plaque.

Faith: Damn. I never knew you were that cool.
Buffy: Well, you always were a little slow.
Faith: I get that now.

Empty Places

Xander: I might need a parrot.
Willow: Huh?
Xander: Well, to go with the eye patch, to really complete the look. I think I still have that costume from Halloween.
Willow: Yeah, and don't underestimate the impact of a peg leg. Maybe the hospital can hook you up with a nice one. Maybe they have a 2-body-parts for the price of one kind of deal.
Xander: Oh, you know what the best part is? No one will ever make me watch jaws 3-D again.

Anya: OK... I know you're all upset... and I, myself, would much rather be sitting at the bedside of my one-eyed ex-fiancé than killing time here with you people in this over-crowded and might I add increasingly ripe-smelling basement. And I would be, too, if not for a certain awkward discussion he and I recently had right over there on that cot immediately following some exciting and unexpected break-up sex.

Giles: There may be demons... lurking about. You never know. He's a demon expert. He can help.
Spike: Oh, please.
Giles: Well, he can bring his pan flute thing along. Excellent. Off you go.

Kennedy: What kind of band plays during an apocalypse?
Dawn: I think this band might actually be one of the signs.

Buffy: Still able to make me see cartoon birdies all around my head? You betcha. The short lack of consciousness was nice. I feel rested.
Xander: That's fine. Parties in this house, I usually end up having to... rebuild something.

Touched

Anya: Let the girl speak the truth. We’re all on death’s door, repeatedly ringing the doorbell, like maniacal Girl Scouts trying to make quota.

Xander: Yeah, I’ll get the magazines and start ripping out the letters now. “Dear Mr. First, if you want your Bringer back…well, we’ll be surprised because you’ve got like three million of them so please disregard this letter. Yours sincerely—”

Giles: The Bringer’s dumb.
Anya: And you were expecting, what? A Rhodes Scholar?
Andrew: I feel used and violated… and I need a lozenge.
Spike: You mean “no” as in “eventually”?
Buffy: You really have problems with that word, don’t you?

Spike: It’s bloody chaos over there without you.
Buffy: It is?
Spike: Yeah, it’s… there’s junk food cartons, sleeping bags not rolled up… everyone’s very scared and unkempt.

Principal Wood: That’s exactly what The First does. Finds your Achilles heel.
Faith: Nah, it just talked to me. What? It does a heel thing, too?
Principal Wood: It’s a phrase. Your weak spot.
Faith: Oh. The school thing. I was kind of absent that decade.

Principal Wood: So did I but I still wanted my mother to hold me like a little baby. In a manly way, of course.

Anya: Of course I am! I’m a lot jealous. I mean, if we’re done having sex, then I think other people should just knock it off.

End of Days

Anya: Yeah, they’re going to look like mortally wounded Easter baskets.

Anya: Okay. I’ll get Kennedy to watch the girls. She’s tough. Imminent death won’t bother her.

Xander: No, no, no… by “the end” I meant in a heroic, uplifting way. See I’m still optimistic. You’re just thrown off a little by this gritty-looking eye patch.

Xander: Besides, if you die, I’ll just bring you back to life. That’s what I do.

Dawn: Xander, my crossbow is not out here. I told you, I don’t leave crossbows around all willy-nilly. Not since that time with Miss Kitty Fantastico.

Xander: And you know what’s even worse? All the stupid “it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye” jokes. “Hey, Xander, so no more fun and games, huh?”
Dawn: Giles was just having fun with you.
Xander: That’s not the point. It’s an obvious joke. It would be like someone calling me a cyclops.

Faith: There’s only supposed to be one. Maybe that’s why you and I can never get along. We’re not supposed to exist together.
Buffy: Also, you went evil and were killing people.
Faith: Good point. Also a factor.

Andrew: You are the perfect woman.
Anya: I’ve often thought so.

Andrew: That was kind of beautiful. You love humans.
Anya: I do not!
Andrew: Yes, you do. You looooooove them…
Anya: Stop it! I don’t love them and I’ll kill you if you tell anybody.

Buffy: Angel.
Angel: You look good.
Buffy: You look timely. And also good.

Angel: You are so gonna lose.

Angel: God, I’ve missed watching this.

Chosen

Angel: Not saving the damsel in distress, that's for sure.
Buffy: You know me. Not big with the damseling.
Angel: I don't know everything. It's very powerful and probably very dangerous. Has a purifying power... or a cleansing power - or possibly scrubbing bubbles, the translation is... anyway it bestows strength, worn by the right person.

Buffy: You vampires... did anybody ever tell you that the whole smelling everybody thing is a little gross?

Buffy: It's different. He's different. He has a soul now.
Angel: Oh. Well.
Buffy: What?
Angel: No, no, that's great. Everyone's got a soul now.
Buffy: What are you, pissed?
Angel: No, it's great. One for our side.
Buffy: He'll make a difference.
Angel: You know, I started it. The whole... having a soul. Before it was all the "cool new thing"...
Buffy: Oh my god, are you twelve?
Angel: I'm gettin' the brush off for Captain Peroxide, it doesn't bring out the champion in me.

Buffy: Everybody! Why are you so -- Are you gonna come by and get all Dawson on me every time I have a boyfriend?
Angel: Aha! Boyfriend!
Buffy: He's not! But... He is in my heart.
Angel: That'll end well.
Buffy: And what was the highlight of our relationship? The time you broke up with me or the time I killed you?

Buffy: Because... okay, I'm cookie dough, okay?
Angel: Yet another curveball...
Buffy: I'm not done baking yet. I'm not finished becoming... whoever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I've been looking for someone to make me feel whole, and maybe I just need to be whole. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next... maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then if I want someone to eat m -- or, to enjoy warm delicious cookie-me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done.
Angel: Any thoughts on who might enjoy... do I have to go with the cookie analogy?
Xander: Don't look at me, this is a Summers' thing. It's all very violent.
Buffy: You get killed, I'm telling.

Xander: Operative word "If."
Anya: Operative word "Fail."
Dawn: Or, operative word "Wheeee!" Nobody gets me.
Buffy: Have you ever considered a cool name? Since you're incorporeal and basically powerless you could call yourself "The Taunter." Strikes fear...

Anya: Come on. Let's go assemble the cannon fodder.
Xander: We're not calling them that, sweetie.
Anya: Not to their faces -- what am I, insensitive?

Principal Wood: 'Cause you're so hot?
Faith: Is what it is, yo.
Principal Wood: Please. I'm much prettier than you.

Faith: No way are you prettier than me.
Principal Wood: Little bit.

Willow: You know, Buffy: Sweet girl, not that bright.

Giles: Could it possibly get uglier? I used to be a highly respected Watcher. Now I'm a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doily. I wish I could just sleep.
Amanda: What kind of person could sleep on a night like this?
Xander: Only the crazy ones.

Andrew: We will defend it with our very lives.
Anya: Yes, we'll defend it with his very life.
Xander: Don't be afraid to use him as a human shield.
Anya: Good, yes, thanks.

Buffy: So. What do you guys wanna do tomorrow?
Willow: Nothing strenuous...
Xander: Mini-golf is always the first thing that comes to mind.

Buffy: I'm pretty much thinking about shopping. As usual.
Willow: There's an Agnes B. in the new mall!
Xander: I could use a few items.
Giles: Well, no, aren't we gonna discuss this? We're saving the world to go to the mall?
Buffy: I'm having a wicked shoe craving.
Xander: Aren't you on the patch?
Willow: Those never work.
Giles: And I'm just here, invisible to the eye, not having any vote...

Xander: See, it's the eye-patch thing.
Buffy: Right, do you go with the full black secret agent look --
Willow: Or the puffy shirt pirate-slash-poet feel. Sensitive yet manly...
Xander: Now you're gettin' a little renaissance fair on me.
Buffy: It's a fine line.
Giles: The earth is definitely doomed.

Anya: Oh God. I'm terrified. I didn't think... I just figured you would be terrified and I would be sarcastic about it.

Andrew: She was incredible. She died saving my life.
Xander: That's my girl. Always doing the stupid thing.

Faith: Looks like the Hellmouth is officially closed for business.
Giles: There is another one in Cleveland. Not to spoil the moment...

Faith: Can I push him in?
Willow: You've got my vote