Season 5

Buffy vs. Dracula

Xander: I'm exhausted just looking at those two. All this splashing, and jumping, and running... shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion?
Anya: Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness.
Tara: Which can cause the pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put.
Willow: I think we just put the finger on why we're the sidekicks.

Xander: It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of a caveman.

Buffy: Willow, check you out! Witch-Fu.

Willow: There you go, all set.
Giles: Thank you, Willow. Obstinate bloody machine simply refused to work for me.
Willow: Just call me the Computer Whisperer.

Willow: Now that I know there's something to know, I can't not know, just because I'm afraid somebody will know I know. You know?
Giles: Did that mean yes?

Dracula: Very impressive hunt. Such power.
Buffy: That was no hunt. That was just another day on the job. Care to step up for some overtime?
Dracula: We're not going to fight.
Buffy: Do you know what a Slayer is?
Dracula: Do you?
Buffy: Who are you?
Dracula: I apologize. I assumed you knew. I am Dracula.
Buffy: Get out!

Willow: Xand, what if somebody had a secret, and that somebody promised somebody else that they wouldn't tell anyone?
Xander: News flash, Will, everybody knows.
Willow: No, this isn't about me and Tara.
Xander: Oh. Well, not that I wouldn't be all ears if you wanted tell me a secret about you two. Even if it was very, very naughty.
Willow: Sorry. This is of the non-naughty variety, and I'm not telling you.
 

Buffy: And you're sure this isn't just some fanboy thing? 'Cause I've fought more than a couple pimply, overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.

Dracula: Why else would I come here? For the sun? I came to meet the renowned killer.
Buffy: Yeah, I prefer the term Slayer. You know, killer just sounds so...
Dracula: Naked?
Buffy: Like I paint clowns or something. I'm the good guy remember?

Xander: Nice. Look who's got a bad case of Dark Prince envy.
Dracula: I have no interest in you. Leave us.
Xander: No, we're not going to (imitates Dracula's accent) leave you. And where'd you get that accent Sesame Street? One, two, three — three victims. Mwah, ha, ha, ha!
Buffy: Xander, I'm pretty sure that's Dracula.
Xander: Wow, really? Hey, sorry, man, I was... just jokin' around.

Tara: You thought Dracula was sexy?
Willow: Oh! No. He — He was... yuck.
Anya: Right, except for the whole tall, dark, and handsome thing. Yucko.
Xander: How would you know?
Anya: Ah, we hung out a few times. Back in my demon days, you know, once or twice. He's pretty cool.  You know, from a whole evil-thing perspective.

Dracula: Serve me well. You will be rewarded. I will make you an immortal. A child of darkness that feeds on life itself... on blood.
Xander: Blood? Yes, yes! I will serve you, your Excellent Spookiness. Or Master. I'll just stick with Master.
Dracula: You are strange and off-putting. Go now.

Xander: Like any of that's enough to fight the dark master.
Xander: ...bator.

Riley: No, it's okay, I shouldn't take this personally. I mean, what with Angel, it's understandable that there would be transference. I mean, they're both broody immortals.
Buffy: I am not transferry!

Joyce: He seemed so nice and normal... a little pale.
Willow: A good Sunnydale rule of thumb — avoid white-skinned men in capes.

Xander: Master, I deliver the Slayer. She who you most desire. Sorry, whom.

Riley: I've lived in Sunnydale a couple of years now. Know what I've never noticed before?
Giles: Uh, a castle?
Riley: A big, honking castle.

Giles: Oh, good show Giles. At least you didn't get knocked out for a change.

Giles: Oh, my shoe. Silly me, I'll just pop —
Riley: No, no, no, sir. No more chick pit for you. Come on.

Xander: Where is he? Where's the creep that turned me into a spider eating man bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Damn it! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt monkey.

Buffy: You think I don't watch your movies? You always come back..... I'm standing right here!

Real Me

Dawn: Nobody knows who I am... not the real me. It's like nobody cares enough to find out. I mean, does anyone ever ask me what I want to do with my life? Or what my opinion is on stuff? Or what restaurant to order in from? No - underline, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.

Dawn: People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks, just 'cause she can do backflips and stuff. Like that's such a crucial job skill in the real world. Plus, Mom lets her get away with everything, "Your sister's saving the world." I could so save the world if someone handed me superpowers, but I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn't even. If this town wasn't so geeky everyone would completely know what she does, and then I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed because, like, killing things with wood? Oh, scary vampires, they die from splinters.

Buffy: No, but, see, Mom, that doesn't really work for me. We're just going to the magic shop, no school supplies there.
Dawn: Yeah, Mom. I'm not going to Hogwarts. Hog— ( Jeez, crack a book sometime.

Riley: Morning, Mrs. Summers. You look great.
Joyce: Oh, thank you, Riley.
Buffy: Suck up.
Riley: What? It's a nice outfit.
Buffy: Mm-hm
Riley: Besides, "I'm here to violate your firstborn" never goes over with parents. I'm not sure why.

Buffy: Plans? We planned plans?
Riley: Well, you said, "Come over tomorrow and we'll hang." And then I said, "Okay." Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan.

Dawn: I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think its 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I've heard him use the word "newfangled" one time, so he's got to be pretty far gone.

Giles: Just not used to automatic transmission. I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing. No, no, no, it's just not working out.
Buffy: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?
Giles: Well, it did seduce me. All red and sporty.
Buffy: Little two-door tramp.

Crazy Guy: Whatcha doin'? What are you doing here? Can't loiter. There's no loitering. That's why I'm a cat. Quiet. See, cat's in the cupboard. But they find you there anyway, and it hurts. Please make it stop! (to himself) Shut up! Shut up! They'll hear you.  I know you. Curds and whey. I know what you are. You don't belong here.

Brad: I had to get her something. She sired me.
Peaches: Sire-whipped.

Anya: Hello there, little girl. We're gonna have fun, fun, fun! Look, I've got Monopoly, Clue, and ooh, The Game of Life.

Buffy: Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.

Anya: Crap! Look at this. Now I'm burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage.
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes, cash equals good.
Anya: Ooh, I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?

Xander: 'Fraid you and your buddies are gonna have to come back and be killed by Buffy later.
Harmony: They're not my buddies. They're my minions.
Xander: They're what now?
Harmony: Minions! You know, lackeys?

Harmony: We're gonna kill the Slayer.
Spike: Singing my song now are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, at least get your own tune.

Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad, you suck.

Buffy: How bored were you last year?
Giles: I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

The Replacement

Xander: I wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission.
Anya: We think the cat peed on it.

Xander: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell, they have one-bedrooms, right?

Riley: Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous.
Giles: Toth.
Riley: What?
Buffy: He called you a toth. It's a British expression, it means, like, moron.
Giles: No. Toth is the name of the demon.

Riley: He mentioned Buffy? Where do we find him and how hard can I kill him?

Giles: He had a very specific olfactory presence.
Xander: Well, I guess we're off to the old factory. I hate that place. I'm joking. I know what it means. He smelled. Right?

Riley: What are you doing here, Spike?
Spike: Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who's set up a tea room over by the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing?

Manager: I think someone said you're currently in your parents' basement?
Xander: Right, there comes a point where you have to either move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and go with it.

geeky Xander: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
Willow: That's not true! Sometimes we all help to save you.

geeky Xander: It's a robot. It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me designed to do evil.

geeky Xander: Wait till you have have an evil twin and see how you handle it!
Willow: I handled it just fine.

Anya: What happens next?
Xander: Well, at some point we take off our clothes.
Anya: I mean, what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car?
Xander: A car?
Anya: And a boat. No, wait, I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy, or a child. I have a list somewhere.
Xander: What are you talking about?
Anya: Just, we have to get going. I don't have time just to let these things happen.
Xander: There's no hurry.
Anya: Yes there is. There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying... I may have as few as fifty years left.

Giles: I said, "Oh, dear Lord."
Buffy: You always say that.
Giles: Well it's always important.

Riley: Psychologically this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? Just me then.

Anya: So... um, you Xanders really do have all the same memories, all the same... physical attributes?
Xander: We're completely identical.
geeky Xander: Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over... Fingerprints!
Anya: Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together, and, you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.

Giles: We just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.

Buffy: They're kinda the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.

Anya: I liked it the other way. Put 'em back!

Out of my Mind

Spike: And I should do what with my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets?
Buffy: Would it keep you out of my way?

Spike: I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice... and drink deep. Ow!

Anya: Oh! Who put the monkey head near the Styx Water? Do we want to pick exploded monkey out of our hair?

Willow: Are these real newt eyes?
Giles: No. Too rich for my blood I'm afraid. No these are salamander eyes; it's the cataracts which give them their newt-like appearance. They're really equally effective, though. It's just a matter of overcoming snobberies.

Buffy: You're like my fairy godmother, and Santa Claus, and Q all wrapped up into one.  Q from Bond, not Star Trek.

Spike: Oh, Pacey! You blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?

Harmony: Is it safe? Has Buffy gotten to you yet? I saw her patrolling just now... with a stake! She won't give up until she's killed me to death.
Spike: Buffy's looking for you?
Harmony: Of course. That's why I'm on the lam. Didn't you hear? I'm totally her arch-nemesis.
Spike: Is that right? I must've missed the memo.
Harmony: There was a mem— Spike, oh my God, this is like a real emergency!

Spike:  Taking up smoking, are you?
Harmony: I am a villain, Spike. Hello!

Buffy: It's so unfair. It's like Big Brother can spy on you all the time, and the second I have something to say, no one will listen.
Dawn: Sounds more like Big Sister.
Willow: There has to be a way.
Buffy: Like what? Take a tour of the White House and pretend to get lost and look for some door with a sign on it that says "Secret Government Monster Hunters?"

Buffy: I so don't want to deal with Spike right now. The guy is really starting to bug me in that special "I want to shove something wooden through his heart" kind of way.

Spike: OK. Is it bigger than a breadbox?
Harmony: No. Four left.
Spike: So it's smaller than a breadbox.
Harmony: He he! No, only three.
Spike: Harmony... is it a sodding breadbox?
Harmony: Yes! Oh, my God. Someone's blondy bear is a Twenty Questions genius!

Harmony: Oops. String was slippy.

Spike: ...bathe in the Slayer's blood. I'm gonna dive in it. Swim in it. I'm gonna do the bloody backstroke.

Spike: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn she's there. That nasty little face. That fancy shampoo commercial hair. That whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude.

No Place like Home

Vampire: I've always wanted to kill the Slayer.
Buffy: And I've always wanted piano lessons. So really... who's surprised we've got this unexpressed rage? But honestly, I think I express mine better. Tell you what... you find yourself a good anger management class, and I'll jam this pokey wood stick through your heart.

Security Guard: Miss, if you're looking for one of the rave parties, I'm afraid you're late. Chased a bunch of kids out of here last night.
Buffy: Oh, right, yeah, darn. My fellow ravers will be so disappointed. It was my turn to bring the Bundt cake.

Joyce: You two do all this?
Dawn: Oh, Buffy helped.
Buffy: I didn't help.
Joyce: I'm sure you did. So, neither of you's pregnant, failing, or under indictment? Just checking.

Buffy: Did you ever have any names for me?
Joyce: No, I think you were always just Buffy.
Dawn: I got some names for ya.

Dawn: Check out all the magic junk.
Giles: Our new slogan.

Giles: It appears to be paranormal in origin.
Buffy: How can you tell?
Giles: Well, it's so shiny.

Willow: I can't help it. I just have all this involuntary empathy for Dawn. Cuz she's, you know... a big spaz.

Giles: There's too many of them. People. A-a-and they all... seem to want things.
Xander: I hear ya. Stay British — you'll be okay.

Anya: Please go.
Xander: Anya, the Shopkeepers of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day."
Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace.

Willow: Does this look right to you?
Anya: Sure. If you wrapped it with your feet.

Dawn: What are you doing?
Buffy: My boyfriend. Go away.

Spike: Oh, yeah, okay. Let me guess — you won't kill me? Ooh! The whole crowd-pleasing threats and swagger routine. Outstandingly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so, because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard! And I never really liked you anyway. And you have stupid hair!

Giles: Would someone please rip that bloody bell off its hinges?
Xander: Would that involve moving?
Willow: My feet are numb.
Xander: I'll see your numbness and raise you a lower back pain.
Giles: I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart. Just seemed so much simpler.

Dawn: I tell you I have this theory. It goes where, you're the one who's not my sister. Cuz mom adopted you from a shoe box full of baby howler monkeys, and never told you cuz it could hurt your delicate baby feelings.
Buffy: That's your theory?
Dawn: Explains your fashion sense. And smell.

Buffy: I just had a bad day.
Dawn: Well, join the club.
Buffy: Can I be president?
Dawn: I'm president. You can be the janitor.

Family

Willow: Was there a camel?
Tara: There was the front of a camel — a half-camel.

Willow: It's fine, I don't need to be snuggled.
Tara: Vixen.

Anya: We just helped her move this stuff in two days ago - sees Buffy - and it was fun.
Giles: People help each other out, Anya. It's one of our strange customs.
Buffy: Giles, I noticed you're doing the smallest amount of helping that can actually be called helping.
Giles: Well I saw myself in more of a patriarchal sort of role. You know, lots of pointing and scowling. You two , stop that!
Riley: He started it!
Xander: He called me a bad name. I think it was bad. It might have been Latin.
Giles: Stop it or you're going to break something.
Buffy: Or I'm going to break something.

Buffy: Nothing like getting your ass kicked to make your ass hurt.

Tara: You learn her source, and we'll introduce her to her insect reflection.  Um... that, that was funny... if you um, if you studied Taglarin mythic rights... and are a complete dork.
Riley: Oh. Then how come Xander didn't laugh?
Xander: I don't know that Taglarin stuff.

Anya: We have to bring presents, right? Birth is a present thing?

Anya: Thank you for coming. We value your patronage. Please come again for more purchases!
Giles: Could we perhaps be a little less effusive Anya? We don't want to frighten the people.
Anya: I'm just so excited! They come in; I help them. They give us money in exchange for goods; you give me money for working for you. I have a place in the world now. I'm part of the system. I'm a working gal!
Giles: Yes. Well why don't you start organizing the shipping orders?
Anya: Oh no, that's boring. I just wanna do the money parts.

Buffy: So any breakthrough on the identity of Miss Congeniality?
Giles: Well, I've narrowed it down some.
Buffy: Your definition of narrow is impressively wide.

Buffy: She was kind of like Cordelia actually. (thinks) I'm pretty sure she dyes her hair!

Buffy: So, what'd you get her?
Xander: Huh?
Buffy: Tara. You said you got a present already.
Xander: Yeah, that was a tangled web of lies, sweetie. I'm not really sure what kind of thing she'd... I mean, I don't really know her that well.
Buffy: I know.
Xander: I mean, she's nice!
Buffy: Yeah, yeah, nice... nice. I-it's just, I-I sort of...
Xander: I don't necessarily get her... but she's real nice.
Buffy: Yeah. There's just that thing.
Xander: That thing.
Buffy: That thing of not understanding—
Xander: Half of what she says?
Buffy: As for example. But she's super nice.
Xander: You betcha!

Giles: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I think you're both profoundly stupid.
Xander: Well we don't really know what kinds of things witches like. I mean, what are we going to get her, some cheesy crystal ball?
Giles: You bloody well better not; I've got mine already wrapped.

Donny: So all these books got spells in 'em? Turn people into frogs, things like that?
Xander: Yeah, we're building a race of frog-people. It's a good time.

Tara: Families are always...
Willow: They make you crazy.

Buffy: You're like the god of boyfriends.
Riley: Nah, I just like it when you owe me favours.
Buffy: This earns you a big favour. There could be outfits.

Buffy: It's family night. And besides, Melinda's a bad influence. I don't like you hanging out with someone that... short.

Riley: Yeah, a lot of young people nowadays are experimenting with shortness. Gotta nip that in the bud.

Glory: A Slayer? Oh God, please don't tell me I was fighting a Vampire Slayer! How unbelievably common. If I had friends, and they heard about this...

Glory: You have the cutest little suppurating sores! Has anyone ever told you that?

Sandy: This place is such a dive.
Riley: Oh no, it's great. You just have to close your eyes and plug up your nostrils. It's fine.
Sandy: We could go somewhere else. Someplace more private.
Riley: Oh, Sandy, Sandy. It's no good. My heart belongs to another. Besides, I don't go out with vampires. They're never interested in my intellect.

Harmony: I went to April Fool', and absolutely everything was on sale.
Spike: You paid for it?
Harmony: Oh no! I just killed the clerk. Still, a bargain's a bargain!

Dawn: You don't want to mess with us.
Buffy: She's a hair puller.

Donny: Tara, if you don't get in that car, I swear by God I will beat you down.
Xander: And I swear by your full and manly beard, you're gonna break something trying.

Spike: There's no demon in there. It's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line? You're a piece of work. I like you.

Tara: Your insect reflection represents your insignificance in terms of karmic cycle.
Anya: It's still not funny.

Fool for Love

Buffy: You know, it's probably none of my business, but I just gotta ask: Did you smell this bad when you were alive? 'Cause if it's a post-mortem thing, then boy is my face red, but just so you know, the fast-growing field of personal grooming's come a long way since you became a vampire.

Buffy: I can't believe I passed out. Do you think I'm a total wuss now?
Riley: Oh, yeah. I like a girl who can play a few hard sets of tennis with a major stab wound.
Buffy: You said it wasn't that bad.
Riley: I said I've seen worse. There's a difference.

Buffy: Don't worry. Accelerated healing powers come with the Slayer package. And the boyfriend who comes complete with combat medical training — that's just a Buffy Summers bonus.

Riley: So tell me about the bad guy. Or guys — who do you think they were?
Buffy: Vampire.
Riley: How many?
Buffy: One.
Riley: So what, was he like a Super Vampire or something?
Buffy: No, he was the regular kind. He just beat me.

Dawn: C'mon, who's the man?
Buffy: You are. A very short, annoying man.

Dawn: When do I get to patrol?
Buffy: Not until you are never!

Xander: Hey, Riley! What's the (imitates Riley's hand signal) all about?
Riley: It means yell real loud so the vampires who don't know we're coming will have a sporting chance.
Xander: See now he's all mad and sarcastic.

Xander: You know what he's like? He's like a cat. You know, a big jungle cat. How come I'm not like that? He's just so cool.
Willow: I think you're cool.

Buffy: Look, I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But, I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto.

Giles: Yes well the uh... the problem is that after a final battle, it uh... it's difficult to get any um... well the-the-the Slayer's not... she's rather um—
Buffy: It's okay to use the "D" word, Giles.
Giles: Dead. And hence not very forthcoming.
Buffy: Why didn't the Watchers keep fuller accounts of it? The journals just stop.
Giles: I suppose if they're anything like me, they just found the whole subject too uh—
Buffy: Unseemly? Damn. Love ya, but you Watchers are such prigs sometimes.
Giles: Painful, I was going to say.

Spike: You know there are quite a few American beers that are highly underrated. This, unfortunately, is not one of them.

Spike: As I thought: Some nasty thing got a taste of you.
Buffy: Don't get all excited. I'm fine.
Spike: Oh, right. Stuck in a dark corner with a creature you loathe, digging up past uglies, 'cause you're fine.

Buffy: Were you born this big a pain in the ass?

Man: "My heart expands/ 'tis grown a bulge in't/ inspired by/ your beauty effulgent." Effulgent?
Man 2: And that's actually one of his better compositions.
Woman: Have you heard? They call him William the Bloody because of his bloody awful poetry!

William: I know I'm a bad poet, but I'm a good man. All I ask is that... is that you try to see me—
Cecily: I do see you — that's the problem! You're nothing to me, William. You're beneath me.

Drusilla: And I wonder, what possible catastrophe came crashing down from heaven and brought this dashing stranger to tears?
William: Nothing. I wish to be alone.
Drusilla: I see you. You're a man surrounded by fools who cannot see his strength. His vision. His glory.  That and burning baby fish swimming all round your head.

Buffy: So you traded up on the food chain. Then what?
Spike: No, please! Don't make it sound like something you'd flip past on the Discovery Channel. Becoming a vampire is a profound and powerful experience. I could feel this new strength coursing through me. Getting killed made me feel alive for the very first time.

Spike: Oh, I'm sorry, did I sully our good name? We're vampires.

Spike: The way you tell it, one Slayer's snuffs it, another one rises. I figure there's a new Chosen One getting all chosen as we speak.

Darla: I think our boys are going to fight!
Drusilla: The King of Cups expects a picnic. But this is not his birthday!
Darla: Good point.

Vampire: They ought to put this in a museum.
Riley: You know what they put in museums? Mostly dead things.

Shadow

Xander: Am I right, Giles?
Giles: I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening.

Anya: I mean, I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter. Which, really, just goes to show how much I've grown!

Xander: This has been fruitful. Trying to look up something you never saw and don't know the name of.

Dreg: Most beauteous and supremely magnificent one, this dark spell I hold in my worthless and scabby hand is our gift to you. Most tingly and wonderful Glorificus—
Glory: Please, call me Glory. And get up, looking at you is hurting my neck.

Glory: Does this pump make my ankle look bony?
Dreg: No! No, no, your terrifically smooth one, it is the epitome of ankles. To touch such an ankle would be— but I'm not touching. I'm backing away.
Dreg: Ow! Thank you.
Glory: Dreg, is it?
Dreg: Yes. Dreg. Your creamy coolness has honored me by speaking my name. Your voice is like a thousand sweet songbirds that—
Glory (sarcastically): Yeah, I never tire of hearing that.

Riley: What are you doing in here?
Spike: What, me? I was um ... uh ... what are you doing here?
Riley: Looking for the girl who's gonna rip your arms off when she finds out you were in her bedroom.
Spike: Oh yeah? Well ... me too.
Riley: Were you ... were you just smelling her sweater?
Spike: No.  Well, yeah, all right, I did. It's a... predator thing, nothin' wrong with it. Just ... know your enemy's scent, whet the appetite for a hunt.  Ah, that's the stuff! Slayer musk, it's bitter and aggravating!

Spike: Look, I know for a bleeding fact the Slayer wouldn't mind me being here.
Riley: Right, what's a little sweater sniffing between sworn enemies?

Spike: Okay, how 'bout this one. Twice in recent memory, she's had the lover-wiccas do a deinvite on the house. Keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she's never taken my name off the guest list?
Riley: Because you're harmless.
Spike: Oh yeah, right. Takes one to know, I suppose. Least I still got the attitude. What do you got, a piercing glance? Face it, white bread. Buffy's got a type, and you're not it. She likes us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. Not that she doesn't like you ... but sorry Charlie, you're just not dark enough.

Buffy: Mom, what did they find?
Joyce: A shadow. I've got a shadow.

Giles: Ah, a weeping Buddha: shoulders your spiritual burden. Makes a lovely paperweight, too.

Anya: Hey. Hey! Hey! HEY!
Giles: Anya, your "heys" are startling the customers.
Xander: And pretty much the state.

Anya: Are you stupid or something?
Giles: Allow me to answer that question with a firing.
Xander: She's kidding. An, we talked about the employee-employer vocabulary no-nos. That was number five.

Dawn: I'm really glad you're here.
Riley: Thanks.
Dawn: Buffy's glad too.
Riley: Yeah?
Dawn: She sure cries a lot less with you than she did with Angel.
Riley: Angel... made her cry a lot, huh?
Dawn: Everything with him was all... eee, you know?
Riley: All...?
Dawn: You know... "my boyfriend's a vampire" crazy-crazy. Every day was like the end of the world. She doesn't get all worked up like that over you.

Buffy: How did she get away with this bad mojo stuff?
Anya: Giles sold it to her.
Giles: I- I- I... I didn't know it was her! I mean, how could I? If it's any consolation, I may have overcharged her.

Xander: Just once, I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshipers.
Anya: Great! Thank you very much for those nightmares!

Xander: That creepy demon-woman is conjuring some kind of monster.
Riley: And you let Buffy go after her? Alone?
Giles: "Let" isn't really a factor when she sets her mind to something. You know that.

Buffy: That thing she conjured, it's loose. It's a big snake thing. Not mayor-big, but it's pretty lethal looking.

Listening to Fear

Dawn: There's a girl at school told me that gelatin is made from ground-up cow's feet, and that if you eat Jell-O, there's some cow out there limping with no feet. But, I told her I'm sure they kill 'em before they take off their feet. Right?
Buffy: You're the one who insisted on teaching her to talk.

Xander: Human chest! Human chest!
Giles: Uh, sorry!

Willow: Oh piffle, who needs him when I'm dusting two at a ti— (almost falls down) Whoops.

Willow: Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus... except thinner, and younger, and... female. And, well... Jewish.

Buffy: You got her a book on spells? The girl who can break things by just looking at them, now has a book to teach her to... break things by lookin' at 'em?

Buffy: Homework? Uh. I don't believe in tiny Jewish Santa anymore.

Crazy Guy: What is that thing? The-there's... no data. The-there's no pictures on this one. There! What is the data? There's no one in there.

Willow: You know what's weird?
Tara: Japanese commercials are weird.

Willow: That's Canis Minor, and Cassiopeia.
Tara: And the big pineapple.
Willow: Um, you know I'm not sure I remember that one.

Joyce: I bet it's not even hooked up to anything. Just like the push-buttons at the cross walk that are supposed to make the signal change.
Buffy: I'm sure someone's on— wait, the push-buttons aren't hooked up to anything?

Riley: That might be toxic, don't touch it.
Xander: Oh yeah, touching it was my first impulse. Luckily I've moved on to my second, which involves dry-heaving, and running like hell.

Buffy: Mom, what are you doing?
Joyce: I'm making breakfast. You shouldn't eat anymore, you're disgustingly fat!

Joyce: Don't touch me! You- you thing!
Dawn: Mom? Please!
Joyce: Get away from me! You're nothing! You're- you're a shadow! I don't what you are; how you got here!

Xander: I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.
Giles: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space. I did not say that.

Xander: Meteor go boom, crazy guy goes bye-bye.

Joyce: I wish that someone had bothered to tell me that there would be tennis being played. I just didn't know. Those eyes! Those eyes; they're like gasoline puddles! Tell me. Tell me because I need to know, why, why are you staring at me like that?

Joyce: Does someone know you're here, because they should have told you that at the gate, you're not supposed to be here! I need to rest now. I don't like the way you're staring at me! Did they tell you that at the gate? Stop staring at me, I don't like it!

Buffy: What the hell are you doing in my house?
Spike: Right then. Caught me. You're basement's full of junk, and me being in need of, uh, junk—
Buffy: You were stealing?
Spike: Well, yeah. Can't exactly work the counter at a burger bar now, can I?

Into the Woods

Dawn: When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this, and then Buffy would chase me around the house yelling, "I am the Slayer! I'm going to get you!"
Anya: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will end up badly.

Xander: So, what do you wanna do now, Dawnster? Keeping in mind that I won't chase you because I'm old and I'm stuffed full of moo goo gai starch.

Anya: Well, we could play that game again - Life? That was fun.
Dawn: For you. You always win.
Anya: Well... we can make a wager this time. You can give me real money. That would be different.
Xander: And after we teach her to gamble, maybe we can all get drunk!
Anya: I don't think the bar would serve her, but we could bring something in.  Strawberry schnapps tastes just like real ice cream.

Anya: We have to see the chimp playing hockey! That's hilarious! The ice is so slippery, and, and monkeys are all irrational. We have to see this!

Dawn: It's okay. You guys don't have to make a big deal for me. I'm only sleeping over here so Buffy and Riley can boink.
Xander: No, no, that's not it at all, they just need time to, um, be tender. Relax.
Anya: He's not very convincing is he?

Dawn: "Alone time" always translates into "get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud obnoxious sex."
Anya: Oh, does that mean we can't?

Joyce: I don't know, Buffy. I think I'd look like I had a cat on my head.
Buffy: But a very well-groomed cat.

Buffy: Come on, wigs are fun! We can get you a whole bunch of different ones. You know, you can be, like, Sixties Mom, Action Mom...  French Maid Mom.
Joyce: I must be getting better, 'cause you're making fun of me.

Buffy: And I'm sure he'll come over later looking for a little... Bible study.
Joyce: Well, good. I mean just as long as two of you are spending some quality time with... the Lord.

Buffy: Every time you show up like this, you risk all of your parts, you know that?
Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual, I'm here to help you, and I— are you naked under there?
Buffy: Get out.
Spike: No, I'm serious. I mean, not about the naked part, I mean—
Buffy: Get out or I will drop you out head first.

Anya: Who ordered more chickens' feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.
Xander: That's generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken.
Anya: I'm serious! Maybe we could do a... holiday promotion. One free with every purchase!
Giles: Oh, yeah. Dear holiday memories. Merry tykes by the fire, enjoying their new Christmas... chicken feet.
Willow: Aw, holding them tight as they fall asleep. Painting their little toenails.
Anya: That's very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just hear you in private. "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal."
Willow: Anya, I don't say that! No one says that. No one talks that way.
Anya: There's nothing wrong with my idea anyway. I've been very good for this store. If it wasn't for me, Giles would be a terrified old man staring at a quarterly tax statement and wetting himself.
Giles: I say, that's an exaggeration!
Willow: Anya, you've helped out a lot, but I have too.
Anya: Yes, I forgot about all the vigorous sitting around.
Xander: Anya, you can back off a little. You get paid. Willow's doing this on her own time.
Anya: I'm sorry, Willow. Thank you for making time in your busy life to come in here and get in the way of mine.
Xander: Anya, play nice.
Anya: You know, fine, take her side instead of mine even though I'm the one who sleeps with you and feeds you, bathes you...
Willow: She bathes you?
Xander: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way, not in a sponge-bath-y geriatric sort of—
Giles: Please! Stop, I beg of you.

Xander: Well, I guess everybody jumped ship once the word got out that the Slayer found their crib.  I just want to apologize for the use of the word "crib."

Spike: Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey.
Riley: Because you are.
Spike: Well... yeah. But that's not your problem. Even if I wasn't in the picture, you're never gonna be able to hold onto her.

Spike: Come on. You're not the long haul guy and you know it.
Riley: Shut up.
Spike: You know it. Or else you wouldn't be getting suck jobs from two-bit vampire trulls. The girl needs some monster in her man... and that's not in your nature... no matter how low you try to go.

Riley: You actually think you've got a shot with her?
Spike: No, I don't. Fella's gotta try, though. Gotta do what he can.
Riley: If you touched her... you know I'd kill you for real.
Spike: If I had this chip outta my head, I'd have killed you long ago. Ain't love grand? Xander: I've gotta say something... Cause ... I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do ... the way you think ... the way you move ... I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life. Like a man. I just thought you might wanna know.

Triangle

Xander: It's like, "Where's Riley? Oh wait, the Central Republic of Where-in-the-hell."

Anya: If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know? Big flashing red lights, and-and-and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of, of colored wires, and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one, and then at the last second, "No! The red one!" and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left, but then you don't leave. Like that, okay?
Xander: Check. Big bomb clock.

Anya: Humans make the same mistakes over and over. I saw it when I was a vengeance demon. Some guy dumps a girl, she calls me, I exact vengeance, blah blah blah, the next year, same girl, different guy. I mean, after you smite a few of 'em you start going, "My goodness, young lady... maybe you're doing something wrong here too."

Buffy: So, um... about being a nun... you know, um, with the whole abjuring the company of men? You know, how's that working for you? The... abjuring?
Nun: Um... good.
Buffy: Yeah, do you have to be, like, super-religious?
Nun: Well, uh...
Buffy: How's the food?

Buffy: It's just I trust these Watchers about as far as... you could throw them.

Buffy: I'm doin' all right. These things happen. People break up, and they move on. For a while it feels like the end of the world, you know, but big picture—
Giles: Not so huge?
Buffy: Not so huge?! I just said it felt like the end of the world, don't you listen?
Buffy: I'm teasing.

Anya: You're going away for a week? That's great!
Giles: Yes, yes, everybody seems delighted about it.

Willow: We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens. But it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know... insane.
Tara: I said quirky.

Giles: Dealing with people requires a certain, uh, finesse.
Anya: I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector! I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles, and bribe him with money and goods!

Buffy: I killed something in a convent last night.
Xander: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction.

Buffy: Stop being insightful. It's creepy.

Spike: Um... there's something I got to tell you. About showing you Riley in that place. I didn't mean to...  Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed — by him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you. Best intentions. I mean, you know, pretty state you'd be in, thinking things are all right while he's toddling halfway round the bend.  Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side! Me! Doing you a favor! And you, being dead petty about it — me, getting nothing but your hatred and your venom and— you ungrateful bitch!
Spike: Buffy... there's something I want to tell you.

Willow: You're the fish!
Anya: What?
Willow: Th-the fish in the bowl, in The Cat in the Hat. He was always saying that the cat shouldn't be there while the mother was out.
Anya: What are you talking about?
Tara: It's a book. This cat does all this mischief.
Willow: It's so cute! He balances a bunch of stuff, including that fish in the bowl! A-and— but don't try it for real when you're six, because then you're not allowed to have fish for five years.
Anya: You're referencing literature I have no way to be familiar with. You're trying to make me feel left out, and you're stealing!
Willow: I'm not stealing. I-I'm just taking things without paying for them. In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?
Tara: Willow, maybe we should just pay.
Willow: Anya, Giles would be totally fine with this. Come on, it'll be fun. We could show you how to do some stuff! You could be floatin' pencils by the end of the day.
Anya: Sometimes I miss having powers... Oh. Oh! I know what this is! This is peer pressure! Any second now you're gonna make me smoke tobacco and-and have drugs!

Willow: I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services!
Anya: Xander, she's pretending to be me!

Willow: He's not a ball of sunshine!

Anya: Well, I don't know how to put the top up, I only just figured out what the left pedal does!  It makes us stop!
Willow: You don't know how to drive! Why didn't you say you don't know how to drive?
Anya: Well, I couldn't know if I could until I tried, could I?

Anya: Now hold on, I'm gonna press the right pedal harder. I expect us to accelerate.

Olaf: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Puny receptacle!

Olaf: You do well to flee, townspeople! I will pillage your lands and dwellings! I will burn your crops and make merry sport with your more attractive daughters! Ha ha ha! Mark my words!  Ooh! Ale! I smell delicious ale!

Spike: Hey! Watch it, mate!  Second thought, do what ya like.

Olaf: Bar maid! Bring me stronger ale! And some plump, succulent babies to eat!

Xander: I'm gonna run get Buffy. Or maybe you could fight him.
Spike: Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.
Olaf: You there! Do you know where there are babies?
Spike: What do ya think, the hospital?
Xander: What? Shut up!

Willow: I wish Buffy was here!
Buffy: I'm here!
Willow: I wish I had a million dollars!

Spike: I'm not sampling, I'll have you know. Just look at all these lovely blood-covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike, not a lick. Know you wouldn't like it.
Buffy: You want credit for not feeding on bleeding disaster victims?
Spike: Well, yeah.
Buffy: You're disgusting!
Spike: What's it take?!

Anya: There are many humans who are stranger than me!
Willow: Uh huh. Well, unless I'm really wrong about Crazy Larry down at the bus stop, he's probably not gonna turn Xander into a troll.

Anya: I know what broke up him and Cordelia, you know. It was you! And your lips!
Willow: No, it was not! Well, yes it was so, but... that was a long time ago, do you think I'd do that again?
Anya: Why not?
Willow: Hello? Gay now!

Olaf: Ha ha! You fight well, although you are a tiny man.

Xander: You are one crazy troll. I-I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend. That's insane troll logic!

Anya: How can I help?
Willow: Uh, distract him from Buffy. Uh, piss him off.
Anya: I don't know how.
Willow: Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off.

Olaf: By God, woman, it's been a thousand years, and yet you are as aggravating and emasculating as ever you were!

Olaf: What are you fighting for, minuscule blonde one? Your friends?  These two? They'll never last. Anyanka is very difficult to live with, and he... he is ludicrous, and far too breakable. Their love will never last.

Anya: It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or you know, th-the world without shrimp.
Tara: There's a world without shrimp? I'm allergic.

Anya: Oh, and Willow likes you too, but not in a sexy way. You know, 'cause she's gay. And she's not gonna try to break us up, so, you know, it's all okay.

Checkpoint

Xander: Yeah, don't they have phones?  "Allo, Buffy! Here's some stuff we know! Pip pip!"

Tara: What's so bad about them coming here? Aren't they good guys? I mean, Watchers, that's just like other Gileses, right?
Buffy: Yeah, they're scary and horrible!

Anya: I don't like the sound of this. They don't sound very ex-demon compatible.
Tara: Are you sure they're English? I thought English people were, um, gentler than normal people.

Buffy: She was listening!
Willow: Does it matter? I mean, is she really gonna set the junior high school buzzing with, "Oooh! There's a delegation a-comin'!"

Glory: Sunnydale's got too many demons and not enough retail outlets.

Lydia: Also this statue. Its removal from Burma is a criminal offense, and when triggered, it has the power to melt human eyeballs.
Giles: In that case, I severely underpriced it.

Anya: Hey! Giles! What are they doing? Customers! Please... bring your money back!

Quentin: Miss, excuse me, do uh, you work here?
Anya: Yes, I do. Ever since I moved here from South Eastern Indiana, where I was raised by both a mother and a father.

Giles: You all stand around and look somber. Good job.
Quentin: You used to respect us, Giles. You used to be one of us.
Giles: You used to pay me.

Professor: I'm sorry you find these facts so boring, Miss. Summers. Maybe you'd prefer I step aside, so that you can teach your own course? Speculation 101, perhaps? Intro to Flights of Fancy?

Buffy: Miss Summers! Some of us are here to learn, Professor! Maybe you would like to teach your own class!
Vampire: Who are you talking to?

Buffy: Spike! Why did you do that?
Spike: Not for money, if that's what you're thinkin'. Your heartfelt gratitude is plenty. Expect I'll be getting that any moment.

Spike: Rough talk. Maybe that's your problem — maybe you push 'em away? Or is it the other — maybe you cling too much? Or maybe... your beauty's fading. The stress of slaying aging you prematurely. Things not as high, not as firm.
Buffy: You know what, Spike? The more I get to know you, the more I wish I didn't.

Ben: Don't touch me — you're crusty!

Ben: I don't know any Slayer. Get away from me, you shouldn't be here.
Jinx: Oh I believe you do, sir. She's short, symmetrical, hair on top. Buffy something.

Giles: How much under your thumb do you think we are?
Quentin: How much do you want our help?
Giles: She's not your bloody instrument and you have no right to do any of this!

Glory: He could seduce her and bang the Key out of her!
Jinx: He is quite attractive.
Glory: Well, of course he's attractive! But he drives me insane. Know what I mean?
Jinx: He drives you insane?
Glory: Yeah! That's it exactly!

Buffy: They're gonna expect me to... to be like a Slayer and, and know stuff, but I'm just me and I don't know anything and they're gonna to go away and they're not gonna tell me how to fight Glory and I'm not gonna be able to protect Dawn!
Giles: Buffy, calm down. The scandal here is not anything you've done wrong, it's the way they're behaving. Holding what they know hostage, with a gun pointed at my bleeding green card no less. It's humiliating.
Buffy: Also smart. They picked the perfect thing. I can't lose you.
Giles: Thank you.

Anya: Anya Christina Emmanuella Jenkins. Twenty years old. Born on the fourth of July — and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life, mister, 'cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger and therefore smaller and shorter than I am now.
Phillip: So... you spell it A - N - Y - A, then?

Nigel: Well, I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer. And about both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me.
Tara: Our relationship?
Willow: We're friends.
Tara: Good friends.
Willow: Girlfriends, actually.
Tara: Yes, we're girlfriends.
Willow: We're in love. We're... lovers. Lesbian, gay-type lovers.
Nigel: I meant your relationship with the Slayer.

Phillip: So. You have no special skills, or powers, or knowledge that you bring to the mix? Neither of you?
Anya: Just enthusiasm for killing the demons. Go deadness for the demons!

Nigel: What level are you at?
Tara: Level?
Nigel: Magical proficiency level?
Willow: Oh! Uh.. high-uh- high level... very high. One of those... top levels.

Lydia: She pays you? She gives you money?
Spike: Money, a little nip of blood out of some stray victim, whatever.
Lydia: Blood?
Spike: Well, if they're gonna die anyway. Come to think of it though, that's a bit scandalous, innit? Personally, I'm shocked. The girl's slippin'.

Spike: Heard of me, have you?
Lydia: I... wrote my thesis on you.
Spike: Well, well. Isn't that neat?

Glory: Buffy! If I wanted to fight, you could tell by the being dead already.

Glory: Oooh, I like her! She's sassy!

Spike: They didn't put a chip in your head, did they?
Buffy: No.
Spike: Be funny if they did.

Joyce: I-I love what you've, um... neglected to do with the place.
Spike: Just don't break anything. And don't make a lotta noise. Passions is coming on.
Joyce: Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy's really dead?
Spike: Oh, no, no. She can just sew him back together. He's a doll, for God's sake.
Joyce: Ah, what about the wedding? I mean, there's no way they're gonna go through with that.

Tara: Why doesn't Mr. Giles boot them all out of here?
Xander: 'Cause if they deport him, they're not just destroying his career — they're condemning the man to a lifetime diet of blood sausage, bangers and mash.

Blood Ties

Willow: This is exactly what you need. A 20th birthday party with... with... with presents, and funny hats, and-and those candles that don't blow out. Those used to scare me.
Tara: Me too.

Xander: We're goin' up against a god. An actual mightier-than-thou god.
Willow: Well, you know what they say. The bigger they are—
Anya: The faster they stomp you into nothing.

Willow: Well, I don't think Buffy would like the, uh, black arts bumpin' auras with the littlest Summers.

Anya: You make a very pretty little girl!
Xander: Anya, you wanna help me with that thing?
Anya: Heh heh. Xander needs help with his "thing."

Buffy: How was school today?
Dawn: Um, the usual. Big square building filled with boredom and despair.
Buffy: Just how I remember it.

Dawn: I just think you're freakin' out 'cause you have to fight someone prettier than you. That is the case, right?
Buffy: Glory is evil. And powerful. And in no way prettier than me.

Anya: This is extremely suspenseful! I want the presents.

Anya: Oh, it's just so lovely! Ooh, I wish it was mine! Oh, like you weren't all thinking the same thing!
Giles: I'm fairly certain I wasn't.  I've got one just like it.

Dawn: Well, jeez, don't get all movie-of-the-week. I was just to cheap to buy you a real present.

Dawn: They were talking about me, just like everybody is.
Xander: Again, not so much. In fact, none.
Anya: We were talking about sex. I mean, you know us, sometimes we like to pretend stuff—
Joyce: Um...
Xander: Anya!
Anya: You know, like, say there's a fireman, or a shepherd—
Buffy: You know what? Let's not have this exchange of images right now.

Dawn: Jeez! Lurk much?
Spike: I'm not lurking. I'm standing about. It's a whole different vibe.

Dawn: You wanna come steal some stuff?
Spike: Yeah, all right.

Spike: Hey! Troll hammer! Didn't go with my stuff anyway.

Spike: "They had to be certain the Slayer would protect it with her life. So they sent the key to her... in human form. In the form of a sister." Huh. I guess that's you, nibblet.

Buffy: Maybe it's time to start a new tradition. Birthdays without boyfriends. It could be just as much fun!
Willow: Preaching to the choir here, baby.

Spike: You didn't think you could keep the truth from her forever, did you? Maybe if you had been more honest with her in the first place, you wouldn't be trying to make yourself feel better with a round of Kick the Spike.

Joyce: She needs to know that she's still a part of this family and that we love her.
Buffy: It's not that simple! We're not gonna be able to fix this with a hug and a kiss and a bowl of soup! Dawn needs to know where she came from; she needs real answers.
Joyce: What she needs is her sister, Buffy, not the Slayer.
Buffy: The Slayer is the only thing standing between Dawn and this god from the Bitch Dimension that wants to shove her in some kind of lock and give her a good twirl.

Xander: You know, uh, she kinda has a crush on me.
Giles: Your point being?
Xander: Oh, nothing. No. Just saying... powerful being... big energy gal, diggin' the Xan man. Some guys are just cooler, you know?

Spike: She's not just a blob of energy, she's also a 14-year-old hormone bomb. Which one's screwing her up more right now, spin the bloody wheel.

Glory: I smell a fox in my hen house. Is that why you've been playing sugar and spice with Uncle Ben? Trying to get a peek at Glory's unmentionables?
Dawn: No, I—
Glory: Shh! I kinda wanna hear me talking right now! Me talking! You know what I'm startin' to think? I'm thinking... that maybe you... don't have any idea where my key is!

Glory: I've been meaning to send the Slayer a message. And I could use a little pick-me-up. Two birds, one stone, and boom! You have yummy dead birds.

Crush

Spike: It's just, we took on that Glory chippy together — I was right there with you, fighting the fight.
Buffy: Actually, you were sleeping the sleep of the knocked unconscious.

Xander: Hey, evil dead, you're in my seat.
Anya: Xander, I think you may have hurt his feelings.
Xander: You should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer. You know, that's actually some pretty good advice.

Xander: The point is, I work hard for that money.
Spike: And you're saying I didn't?
Xander: You stole it!
Spike: And you're making it into very hard work!

Harmony: Ooh, I'm gonna stake you! I'm coming after you, you bad, evil vampire! And I'm gonna slay you! I'm sneaking up, and I'm gonna stake you so much with my slaying powers that I have because I'm the chosen—

Tara: No, see, it can't, it can't end like that, 'cause all of Quasimodo's actions were selfishly motivated. He had no moral compass, no understanding of right, everything he did he did out of love for a woman who'd never be able to love him back. Also, you can tell it's not gonna have a happy ending when the main guy's all bumpy.

Dawn: I feel safe with you.
Spike: Take that back!

Buffy: Why doesn't that register with you? Crypt plus vampire equals bad!
Dawn: 'Cause it was Spike.
Buffy: Hanging out with Spike is not cool, Dawn, okay? It is dangerous and icky.
Dawn: I don't think Spike is icky.
Buffy: Yeah, well, think again sister—  You have a crush on him.
Dawn: No I don't! It's just... he's got cool hair and he wears cool leather coats and stuff. And he doesn't treat me like an alien.
Buffy: He's a killer, Dawn. You cannot have a crush on something that is dead and evil and a vampire!
Dawn: Right, that's why you were never with Angel for three years.
Buffy: Angel is different. He has a soul.
Dawn: Spike has a chip, same diff.
Buffy: I can't listen to this. Spike is a monster, okay, and, plus, you are only fourteen years old!
Dawn: I like hanging out with him is all. And even if I did have a crush, he wouldn't notice in a million years, not with you around.
Buffy: What does that mean?
Dawn: Spike's totally into you. Oh, come on, you didn't notice? Buffy, Spike's completely in love with you.
Buffy: Huh?

Buffy: I think she has a crush on him.
Xander: What?
Buffy: I mean, I always knew he had this weird fixation with me...
Xander: I'm the one she had a crush on. Me!
Buffy: There's nothing here. Let's go.
Xander: It's always been me! Big, funny Xander! Oh what, she suddenly decides I'm not the cool one anymore? Why's that okay?

Buffy: Ew.
Spike: It's not blood, it's bourbon.
Buffy: Eeewww.

Buffy: These vamps have been here for a while. They've nested.
Spike: So, you're saying they're a couple of poofters?

Buffy: What is this? The late-night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask! Is this a date?
Spike: A d— please! A date! You are completely off your bird! I mean— Do you want it to be?

Spike: You can't deny it. There's something between us.
Buffy: Loathing. Disgust!

Spike: I lie awake every night—
Buffy: You sleep during the day!
Spike: Yeah but— you are missing the point.

Harmony: What the heck is this? Who is— Oh wait, I get it. Our little sex game was just the beginning. Now you've gone and picked up some cheap queen of the damned to dress up like your precious Droodzilla. Well, you'd better not be thinking what I think you're thinking, because my answer is the same as always — no threesomes unless it's boy-boy-girl. Or Charlize Theron.

Joyce: Honey, did you somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Send him signals?
Buffy: Well, I do beat him up a lot. For Spike, that's like third base.

Drusilla: Shall we tie her up, play with her a teensy bit first?
Spike: Through playing.
Drusilla: Ooh, I like it when you're all do-er and straight-to-business-like.

Spike: You can't tell me that there isn't anything there between you and me. I know you feel something.
Buffy: It's called revulsion. And whatever you think you're feeling, it's not love. You can't love without a soul.
Drusilla: Oh, we can you know. We can love quite well... if not wisely.

Spike: Don't mock this!
Buffy: Go mock yourself!

Spike: Just give me something, a crumb, the barest smidgen. Tell me maybe, someday, there's a chance.
Buffy: Spike... the only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.

Spike: What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What the hell does it take? Why do you bitches torture me?
Buffy: Which question do you want me to answer first?

Harmony: I gave you the best.. bunch of months of my life!

Drusilla: That's right, little girl, teach our naughty boy a lesson.
Spike: Oh, so now you're all ganging up?

Buffy: What part of me punching you in the face did you not understand?

I was Made to Love you

Giles: You can't be responsible for what Spike thinks or feels.
Buffy: Well, aren't I responsible? I mean, something about me had to make him feel that, right? Something that made him say, "Woof! That's the one for me!"

Buffy: Oh! Puffy Xander, uh, I'm sorry, I got... guess I got carried away. Are you okay?
Xander: I'm alive. I can tell 'cause of the pain.

Buffy: I just want to know that there's gonna be another good one; one that I won't chase away.
Xander: There will be. I promise. He's out there; he can come along any minute.
Buffy: And the minute after that I can terrify him with my alarming strength and remarkable self-involvement.

Buffy: Maybe I could change. You know, I could, I could work harder. I could spend less time slaying, I could laugh at his jokes — I mean, men like that, right, the, the joke-laughing-at?
Xander: Or maybe you could just be Buffy, he'll see your amazing heart, and he'll fall in love with you.

Xander: Buffy, do you ever think the reason you haven't found a great relationship on the Hellmouth is because it's a Hellmouth?

Joyce: So is anyone gonna talk about my dress?
Dawn: I like it.
Joyce: You sure? I mean, it's not too mom-ish?
Dawn: Oh. That was why I liked it.
Buffy: You're both crazy. It's not mom-ish at all. It's sexy. It screams, "Randy sex kitten, buy me one drink and I'll..."  Oh, wait, that's not really good either.
Joyce: Oh god. What time is it?
Buffy: 4:23. You have lots of time until seven. Vast acres of time in which you could plant crops. Now tell me about this Brian and what his intentions are.
Dawn: Maybe he's a gigolo. Was his shirt all shiny?

Joyce: He's a nice, normal guy. Okay?
Buffy: I think I've heard of those.
 

Tara: Willow's good with all that computer stuff, but me not so much. Do you really understand all that?
Anya: Oh, at first it was confusing. Just the idea of computers was like — whoa! I'm eleven hundred years old! I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans.
Tara: I go online sometimes, but everyone's spelling is really bad. It's... depressing.

Anya: Anyway, I took the money from working for Giles, and I tripled it.
Tara: Tripled? Like, first money, then money money money?
Anya: Yes. I'm thinking about buying something very expensive. Maybe an antelope.

Xander: How you doing, having o' the fun?
Buffy: You know, I am. Dancing with you is way better than trying to hook up with some good-looking guy.
Xander: I think I liked it better when you were kicking me in my puffy groin.

Spike: Thought I was gonna leave town? It's a free country. Free party. If you want me to leave, you can put your hands on my hot, tight little body and make me.

Xander: Who's that?
Anya: Oh, that girl. Tara and I met her. She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely.
Xander: Some of us like that kind of thing in a girl.

Buffy: Thank you. Um, I, I just, I-I think you should know that I... I kind of have this bad history in which, you know, we go get coffee, and, well, it all ends with, with you leaving town, and you just got here and everything...
Ben: Apparently we'd be risking a tragic chain reaction, but... I just really like... coffee. I think coffee might be worth it. And I would like to get to know coffee better.

Spike: You threw me through a window! What's that about?
April: You cannot make those suggestions to me. I have a boyfriend. Warren is my boyfriend.
Spike: You know what? My bleeding sympathies to Warren!

Buffy: I don't know about you guys, but I've had it with super-strong little women who aren't me.

Buffy: It all looked pretty tame to me.
Joyce: Well, I suppose by your standards it could seem pretty...  Oh dear.
Buffy: What?
Joyce: I left my bra in his car.
Buffy: Mother!
Joyce: I'm joking.
Buffy: Good god, that's horrible. Don't do that.
Joyce: I left it in the restaurant.
Buffy: No more! No more! No more!
Joyce: On the dessert cart!
Buffy: I can't hear you!
 

Giles: Dear god, Buffy, there's only so much I can take. We're going to have to change the system. A fourteen-year-old's too old to be babysat, and it's not fair on her.
Buffy: What'd she make you do?
Giles: Um, well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance. Then we ate cookie dough, and talked about boys.
Buffy: I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, my "fun time Buffy party night" involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window, so if you wanna trade... no... wait... I wouldn't give that memory up for anything.

Giles: And you're certain she was a robot?
Buffy: Absolutely.
Tara: Well, she practically had "Genuine Molded Plastic" stamped on her ass.  Just tryin' a little spicy talk.

Tara: Oh, do you have any books on robots?
Giles: Oh, yes, dozens. There's an enormous amount of research we should do before— no, I'm lying. I haven't got squat, I just like to see Xander squirm.

Xander: She's a sex bot. I mean, what guy doesn't dream about that? Beautiful girl with no other thought but to please you, willing to do anything.  Too many girls. I miss Oz. He'd get it. He wouldn't say anything, but he'd get it.

Giles: We are not your friends. We are not your way to Buffy. There is no way to Buffy. Clear out of here. And Spike, this thing, get over it.
Spike: I don't know what you mean.
Giles: Yes you do. Move the hell on.

Warren: She's not a toy. I mean, I know what you're thinking. But she's more than that.
Buffy: Look, I'm sure she has many exciting labor-saving attachments.

Buffy: She growls?! You made her so she growls?!

Buffy: Can you cry? Sometimes I feel better when I cry. But... there might be rust issues.
April: Crying is blackmail. Good girlfriends don't cry.

Xander: Robots are the strangest people.
Buffy: No... people are the strangest people. I mean, look at me obsessing about being with someone. It's like... I don't need a guy right now. I need me. I need to get comfortable being alone with Buffy.
Xander: Well, I'll say this, she's a pretty cool person to be alone with.

The Body

Anya: Yes, I'm going to barf too.
Joyce: Everyone's so sweet
 

Willow: I had too much nog.
Tara: Oh, baby, want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I ...  stop explaining things.

Dawn: Umm, guys, hello? Puberty? Sort of figured out the whole "no Santa" thing.
Anya: That's a myth.
Dawn: Yeah.
Anya: No, I mean it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.
Xander: The advantage of having a thousand year old girlfriend. Inside scoop.
Tara: There's a Santa Claus?
Anya: Mm-hmm. Been around since like the 1500's, but he wasn't always called Santa... but you know, Christmas night, flying, coming down the chimney, all true.
Dawn: All true?
Anya: Well he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as you know, disembowel children, but otherwise...
Tara: The reindeer part was nice.

Giles: Shall I open another?
Joyce: Oh, do you think we dare?
Buffy: As long as you two stay away from the band candy, I'm cool with anything.

Buffy: She's cold.
Operator: The body's cold?
Buffy: No, my mom! Sh-should I make her warm?

Dawn: What a prima bee-atch! I swear, if I could make her head explode using only the power of my mind, that's what I'd be doing right about now.

Dawn: You know, my big sister could really beat the crap out of her. I mean, really really.

Dawn: This one time in history, uh, she had this book called "Annals of History," and she didn't know how to say the word "annals," so she kept saying -—

Kevin: What's going on?
Dawn: Um... negative space.
Kevin: Yeah. What's that all about?

Willow: No, no, I-I, I should, I should wear the purple (picks up the purple blouse). The purple, I, I, I think the purple, it's just that it's so, I don't know. I-it doesn't mean something bad?
Tara: I think it's, um... royal. Purple means... royalty.
Willow: Well, I can't see Buffy at the morgue and be all royal! "Oh, I'm the king of everything, I'm better than you!" I have to be supportive! I, Buffy needs me to be supportive, I can't...(she begins crying as Tara looks on). God, why do my all shirts have to have stupid things on them? Why can't I just dress like a grownup? Can't I be a grownup?

Tara: We can be strong.
Willow: Strong like an Amazon?
Tara: Strong like an Amazon, right.

Anya: Xander cried at the apartment. It was weird.

Xander: I'll tell you what it is. It's the frickin' doctors! I mean, they just let her out, you know? Clean bill of health. Dig a hole in your skull, here's a Band-Aid. Next!

Willow: Okay. Let's go. Come on, you and me. Come on.
Xander: You know I can't take you.
Willow: Damn straight.

Anya: But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's, there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore! It's stupid! It's mortal and stupid! And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.
Willow: We don't know... how it works... why.

Anya: Xander decided that he blames the wall.

Dawn: I have to pee.
Buffy: Do you want someone to go with you?
Dawn: No. I still remember how to pee.

Anya: I wish that Joyce didn't die...
Anya:...because she was nice. And now we all hurt.
Xander: Anya, ever the wordsmith.

Buffy: Was it sudden?
Tara: What?
Buffy: Your mother.
Tara: No. And yes. It's always sudden.

Forever

Willow: I'm gonna stop by my mom's first. Been doing that a lot lately.
Xander: Yeah. I actually might stop by your mom's too. Well, I'm not going to my place. Those people are scary!

Spike: Joyce was the only one of the lot of you that I could stand!
Xander: And she's the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched.
Spike: I liked the lady! Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. She didn't put on airs. She always had a nice cuppa for me. And she never treated me like a freak.
Xander: Her mistake.

Xander: The guy thinks he can put on a big show and con Buffy into being his sex monkey!

Willow: Oh, Dawn. I wish I could help more. The only thing is... it'll get better. I promise.
Dawn: You don't know that.
Tara: Sure she does. We're witches. We know stuff.

Anya: Well, she got me thinking, about how people die all the time, and... how they get born too, and how you kind of need one so you can have the other. When I think about it that way, it... makes death a little less sad, and... sex a little more exciting.
Xander: Again I say, huh?
Anya: Well, I just think I understand sex more now. It's not just about two bodies smooshing together. It's about life. It's about making life.
Xander: Right, when... two people are much older, and way richer, and far less stupid.
Anya: Breathe. You're turning colors. I'm not ready to make life with you, but I could. We could. Life could come out of our love and our smooshing, and that's beautiful. It all makes me feel like we're a part of something bigger. Like I'm more awake somehow. You know?

Tara: Magic can't be used to alter the natural order of things.
Dawn: But all you do is mess with the natural order of things.

Buffy: The funeral was...  it was brutal, but it's tomorrow that I'm worried about.
Angel: What's tomorrow?
Buffy: That's exactly what I don't know. Up until now I've had a road map. Things to do every minute, having to do with Mom.
Angel: Tomorrow the stuff of everyday living resumes.
Buffy: And everybody expects me to know how to do it, because...  I'm so strong.

Angel: I can stay in town as long as you want me.
Buffy: How's forever? Does forever work for you?

Ben: You're more fun when I hit you.

Jinx: Time is running short, sir. Every moment you fight Glory, you're only fighting yourself, you see?
Ben: Fine. Let the best me win. And let Glory understand this — I won't help her find the Key. I would never do that to an innocent—
Jinx: An innocent? The Key? That's an interesting choice of words.
 

Anya: We have some very amusing chicken feet you can play with!
Dawn: That's okay.
Anya: Don't you watch television? I thought all children despise effort and enjoy cartoons.

Giles: I can always use a hand.
Anya: But you have a hand. A paid hand! A hand that isn't the hand of illegal child labor.
Giles: Anya...
Anya: But of course, it's wonderful that you find doing my job so distracting. I am unthreatened. Proceed.

Giles: Oh, well if you like I could teach you how to... work the cash register. You can ring up sales!
Dawn: Cool.
Anya: Ring up sales? With the money? She gets to fondle the money?

Anya: Hello customer! I'll help you!

Glory: What about the key?
Jinx: He indicated that it was a person, most... highest... you.
Glory: The key's in human form?
Jinx: I believe so...  good one.
Glory: Jinx, you robed stud, you're my man! I'm even gonna let you slide on the lame toadying on account of you're dying and stuff.

Glory: Get him fixed, would ya? I wanna hear the whole story again, without all that annoying moaning.

Dawn: You need me, Spike. Somebody's gotta get the egg while you distract the Ghora. Now come on!
Spike: Well, what do you know? Bitty Buffy.

Willow: What did I have for breakfast this morning? Do you remember?
Tara: Hmm?
Willow: I wanna say bagel, but I think that was yesterday. You had two eggs sunny-side-up. I remember 'cause they were wiggling at me like little boobs.
Tara : Sassy eggs.

Intervention

Buffy: Dawn, if there are any plates in your room, let's have them before they get furry and we have to name them!
Dawn: Hey! I was like 5 then.

Buffy: I mean, I can beat up the demons, until the cows come home. And then, I can beat up the cows. But I'm not sure I like what it's doing to me.

Buffy: Maybe being the perfect Slayer means being too hard to love at all. I already feel like I can hardly say the words.
Giles: Buffy—
Buffy: Giles, I love you. Love, love, love, love, love— Giles, it feels strange.

Buffy: I love you, Dawn. You know that right?
Dawn:Yeah. I love you, too.
Buffy: I love you. Really love you.
Dawn: Gettin' weird.
Buffy: Sorry. But it's important that I tell you. Weird love's better than no love.

Buffy: So, how's it start?
Giles: I, uh, jump out of the circle, and I jump back in it, and then um... I shake my gourd.
Buffy: Oh, I know this ritual! The ancient Shamans were next called upon to do the hokey pokey and turn themselves around.
Giles: Go quest!

Buffy: And that's what it's all about.

Spike: Was that your best, Slayer?
Buffybot: No.
Spike: Why not?
Buffybot: I wanna hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body!

Anya: I was there, it really wasn't that bad. See if you were really a witch, you'd do a spell to escape. So, really it was only bad for the falsely accused, and well, they never have a good time.

Buffybot: You're evil.
Spike: And that excites you?
Buffybot: It excites me, it terrifies me... I try so hard to resist you and I can't.
Spike: Yeah?
Buffybot: Darn your sinister attraction!
Spike: Are you afraid of me?
Buffybot: Yes!

Buffybot: Oh Spike, devour me!

Buffybo: Time to slay. Vampires of the world beware!

Buffybot: Anya! How is your money?
Anya: Fine, thank you for asking!

Buffybot: Spike! It's Spike. And he's wearing a coat.

Buffybot: Oh Spike, you're the big bad! You're the big bad!

Tara: People do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother, I did some pretty dumb stuff, like lying to my family and staying out all night.
Anya: Buffy's boinking Spike.
Willow: Oh... well Tara's right, grief can be powerful and we shouldn't judge—
Tara: Are you kidding? She's nuts!

Tara: You aren't really gonna slap her, are you?
Xander: No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike again I will definately knock myself unconscious.

Buffy: I-I-I have a few questions, about being the Slayer. What about... love? Not just boyfriend love.
Spirit Guide: You think you're losing your ability to love.
Buffy: I didn't say that... yeah.
Spirit Guide: You're afraid that being the Slayer means losing your humanity.
Buffy: Does it?
Spirit Guide: You are full of love, you love with all your soul. It's brighter than the fire... blinding... that's why you pull away from it.
Buffy: I'm full of love? I'm not losing it?
Spirit Guide: Only if you reject it. Love is pain, and the Slayer forges strength from pain. Love... give... forgive. Risk the pain, it is your nature. Love will bring you to your gift.
Buffy: What?

Buffybot: It wasn't one time. It was lots of times, and lots of different ways. I can make sketches!
Willow: No!

Buffybot: Angel's lame. His hair goes straight up, and he's bloody stupid!

Buffybot: You're recently gay!

Buffy: I-I'm getting a gift? Or do you mean that I have a gift to give to someone else?
Spirit Guide: Death is your gift.
Buffy: Death...?
Spirit Guide: Is your gift.
Buffy: Okay, no. Death is not a gift. My mother just died, I know this. If I have to kill demons because it makes the world a better place, then I kill demons. But it is not a gift to anybody.
Spirit Guide: Your question has been answered.

Glory: What the hell is that, and why is its hair that color?

Buffy: Blame? There's blame now?
Willow: No! There's only love... and... some... fear.
Anya: We're just kind of thrown by the you having sex with Spike.
Buffy: The who whating how with huh?
Anya: Okay, that's denial. That usually comes before anger.
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike!
Anya: Anger.

Xander: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact, but well muscled.
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to think that you might be!

Buffybot: Say! look at you! You look just like me! We're very pretty.

Buffybot: You're right. He's evil. (She smiles.) But you should see him naked. I mean really!

Jinx: Bob Barker!
Murk: We will bring you Bob Barker. We will bring you the limp and beaten body of Bob Barker!
Glory: It is not Bob Barker, scabby morons! The Key is new to this world and Bob Barker is as old as grit.

Glory: I am a God.
Spike: The God of what, bad home perms?

Spike: Mark my words, the Slayer is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass —  — back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion-victim ex-God like you.

Dawn: We're safe, right. And Spike built a robot Buffy to play Checkers with.
Tara: It sounded convincing when I thought it.

Tough Love

Professor: Well, maybe short poems.
Buffy: Yeah. Like those Japanese ones that-that, um, sound like a sneeze.
Professor: Haiku?

Ben: I'm sorry I'm late.
Doctor: You're not late.
Ben: But sir—
Doctor: You can't be late to a job you don't have. Interestingly enough, I've decided to give your job to someone who will actually do it.

Ben: Can I just tell you it's not my fault.
Doctor: Sure. You can also tell me that the dog ate your homework, or, maybe eating Twinkies made you do it, or, maybe, yeah, that there's really a wicked, demonic creature living inside you that takes control of your body and forces you to do its bidding.

Glory: Lotta sucky things in this dimension. Bubble baths? Not one of 'em.

Murk: Uh, begging your pardon, and begging in general, but were you talking to me?
Glory: Ewww! Yeah, right.

Buffy: What about all the times I asked you how school was and you said "fine"?
Dawn: Well, it was. (quietly) You didn't ask if I was in it when it was fine.

Xander: A watched customer never buys.
Anya: They would if they were patriotic.
Xander: Okay, I'm going in. Patriotic?
Anya: Yes. I've recently come to realize there's more to me than just being human. I'm also an American.
Giles: Yes, I suppose you are, in a matter of speaking. You were born here — your mortal self.
Anya: Well, that's right, foreigner. So I've been reading a lot about the good ol' us of a, embracing the extraordinarily precious ideology that's helped to shape and define it.
Willow: Democracy?
Anya: Capitalism. A free market dependent on the profitable exchange of goods for currency. A system of symbiotic beauty apparently lost on these old people. Look at 'em — perusing the shelves, undressing the merchandise with their eyeballs. All ogle, no cash. It's not just annoying, it's un-American.
Giles: Appalling. Almost as if they no longer think money can buy happiness.
Anya: Totally un-American. Oh, and you know what else is un-American? French people.
Willow: You don't say?
Anya: From what I hear, they don't tip. Now, French old people, that's really the bottom of the barrel, you know?
Xander: Ahn, how's about we try being a bit less prejudiced and a bit more inclusive? Not us, just you.

Xander: Whatever you choose, you've got my support. Just think of me as... as your... You know, I'm searching for supportive things and I'm coming up all bras. So, something slightly more manly, think of me as that.

Buffy: It's really important that Dawn finishes her schoolwork right now.
Willow: I know it is, and I'm a big fan of school! You know me, I'm like, "Go school, it's your birthday"... or something to that effect.

Tara: I mean, tell me if I said something wrong. Otherwise, I know I'll say it again, probably often and in public.

Willow: It's like my opinion doesn't count because I haven't been through... I didn't lose my mom, so I don't know.
Tara: Well, I'm not the expert. I mean, I've only lost the one. .

Willow: This isn't about the witch thing. It's about the other changes in my life.
Tara: I trust you, I just... I don't know where I'm gonna fit in in your life when—
Willow: When... I change back? Yeah, this is a college thing, just a little experimentation before I get over the thrill and head back to boys' town. You think that?
Tara: Should I?
Willow: You know, I'm really sorry that I didn't establish my lesbo street cred before I got into this relationship. You're the only woman I've ever fallen in love with, so how on earth could you ever take me seriously?

Giles: You all right?
Willow: Yeah.
Giles: Ah yes, because your good mood is both obvious and contagious.

Giles: Well, it's over.
Willow: Over?! How can it be over? I just found her!
Giles: The quarrel is over.
Willow: Oh.

Slook: I will never talk, no matter what heinous torture—
Giles: Actually, you're talking quite a lot, just not about the right things. Tell us why you're here.
Slook: No words shall pass my lips that would bring peril to Glorificus.
Giles: Girls, get the twine that's on the counter. Let's tie him up.
Slook: Ah! Don't! I'll tell you anything! Please! Whatever you want!

Xander: Man, words cannot express how much I hate this place.
Giles: It's dreadful.
Anya: It's like communism.

Dawn: You wanna know what I'm scared of, Spike? Me. Right now, Glory thinks Tara's the Key. But I'm the Key, Spike. I am. And anything that happens to Tara... is 'cause of me. Your bruises, your limp... that's all me, too. I'm like a lightning rod for pain, and hurt... and everyone around me suffers and dies. I must be something so horrible to cause so much pain and evil.
Spike: Rot.
Dawn: What do you know?
Spike: I'm a vampire. I know something about evil. You're not evil.
Dawn: Maybe I'm not evil. But I don't think I can be good.
Spike: Well, I'm not good, and I'm okay.

Willow: I don't think I can sleep without her.
Anya: You can sleep with me!  Well, now, that came out a lot more lesbian than it sounded in my head.

Buffy: This is not the time.
Willow: When, Buffy? When is? When you feel like it? When it's someone you love as much as I love Tara? When it's Dawn, is that it?

Glory: Did anybody order an apocalypse?

Glory: What's that? Bag of tricks?
Willow: Bag of knives
Spiral

Anya: Oooh, snacks! The secret to any successful migration. Who's up for some tasty fried meat products?

Dawn: At least things can't get any crazier, right?
Buffy: You know this is your fault for saying that.

Tara: Horsies!
Willow: Tara!
Giles: Weapons?
Spike: Hello! You're driving one!
Willow: Don't hit the horsies!
Buffy: We won't! (to Giles) Aim for the horsies.

Giles: What you did was necessary. What I've always admired.
Buffy: Running away?
Giles: Being able to put your heart above all else. I'm so proud of you. You've come so far. You're everything a Watcher... you're everything I could have hoped for.

Willow: Come on, Tara! You have to eat something.
Anya: Want me to try?
Willow: I don't know. I'm getting used to picking fruit out of my hair.

The Weight of the World

Willow: Ben and Glory are the same person?
Xander: Glory can turn into Ben and Ben turns back into Glory.
Anya: And anyone who sees it instantly forgets.
Spike: A kewpie doll for the lady.
Giles: Now, do we suspect that there may be some kind of connection between Ben and Glory?

Xander: Wait...Ben? At Glory's? So you're saying that all this time he was sub-letting from her?
Spike: This...is gonna be worth it.
Spike & Xander: OW!
Spike: Last time, from the top...

First Slayer: Death is your gift.
Buffy: Death is my gift?
Willow: Wait. Death is her what?

Willow: I'm sorry. But all this... it has a name. It's called guilt. It's a feeling, and it's important, but it's not more than that, Buffy. Buffys. You've carried the weight of the world on your shoulders since high school. I know you didn't ask for this. But you do it. Every day, and so you wanted out for one second, so what?
Buffy: I got Dawn killed...
Willow: Hello! Your sister... not dead yet! But she will be if you stay locked inside here and never come back to us.

The Gift

Xander: Smart chicks are so hot.
Willow: You couldn't have figured that out in 10th grade.

Glory: Your just a mortal, you couldn't possibly know my pain.
Buffy: Then I'll have to settle for just causing it.

Buffy: Have you ever heard the expression: 'Biting off more than you can chew?' O.k., um, how about the expression: 'Vampire Slayer'?
Vamp: What the hell are you talking about?
Buffy: Wow! Never heard that one? O.k... How about: 'Oh, God! My leg! My leg!' (breaks his leg)
Vamp: Oh God! My leg!
Buffy: See? Now we're communicating.

Buffy: I don't want to hear it.
Giles: I understand that...
Buffy: No, no you don't understand. We are not talking about this.
Giles: Yes, we bloody well are!
Giles: If the ritual starts then every living creature in this and every other dimension imaginable will suffer unbearable torment and death... including Dawn.
Buffy: Then the last thing she'll see is me protecting her.
Giles: You'll fail. You'll die. We all will.
Buffy: I'm sorry. I love you all, but... I'm sorry.

Anya: God! Who would put something like that there! Is this supposed to be some sort of sick joke? As if things aren't bad enough!... This is an omen.
Xander: Sshhh.
Anya: No, no, no, it's an omen. It's a higher power telling me through bunnies that we're all gonna die! Oh my God!

Xander: Hey, I happen to be....
Spike: a glorified bricklayer?
Xander: I'm also a swell bowler.
Anya: Has his own shoes!
Spike: The gods themselves do tremble.

Xander: Shbadoinkle!

Buffy: Dawn listen to me. Listen. I love you. I'll always love you. But this is the work I have to do. Tell Giles I... I figured it out.And I'm okay. Give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now - you have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.