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Season 4
The Freshman
Buffy: How do you get to be renowned? I mean, like, do you have to be nowned first?
Willow: Yes. First there's the painful nowning process.
Buffy: Sorry, 'Miss I-Chose-My-Major-in-Playgroup.'
Buffy: I'm with you, though. I'm all for spurty knowledge.
Willow: Well, he says he's enjoying being a gentleman of leisure.
Buffy: Gentleman of leisure? Isn't that just British for unemployed?
Willow: Uh huh. He's a slacker now.
Buffy: I'm so the books were just too high and then everything was bad.
Eddie: Did you uh, lose your way?
Buffy: Uh, no, no, I'm just going to Fischer Hall, which I know is on the Earth planet.
Vamp: Does this sweater make me look fat?
Sunday: No. The fact that you're fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look purple.
Giles: I'm not supposed to have a private life?
Buffy: No. Because you're very, very old and it's gross.
Sunday: Those jeans with the little patches? She has no one to blame but herself.
Vamp: I heard they're coming back!
Sunday: Not if I kill every single person who wears them!
Xander: And you're sitting here at the Bronze looking like you just got diagnosed with cancer of the puppy.
Xander: Buffy, I've gone through some fairly dark times in my life. Faced some scary things, among them the kitchen at the fabulous Ladies Night club. Let me tell ya' something: When it's dark, and I'm all alone, and I'm scared, or freaked out or whatever, I always think, 'What would Buffy do?' You're my hero. Ok, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone, I think, 'What is Buffy wearing?' ...
Willow: Buffy wouldn't just take off. That's just not in her nature. Except for that one time she disappeared for several months and changed her name, but there were circumstances then. There's no circumstances!
Xander: Do we hug?
Oz: I think we're too manly.
Xander: Well some friends of Buffy played a funny joke and they took her stuff and now she wants us to help get it back from her friends who sleep all day and have no tans.
Living Conditions
Kathy: I just wanted to make sure that we didn't have a thief or something.
Buffy: Like who? Sid the Wily Dairy Gnome?
Buffy: Kathy's nice and all, but she's sort of, I don't know, like, Mini-Mom of Momdonia.
Buffy: Wait. Did you just hear something?
Willow: I'm chewing my gum kinda loud.
Buffy: That's not it.
Willow: My sneakers are squeaky.
Buffy: I'm looking for something lurky here, Will.
Buffy: And what are we if not women up to a challenge?
Willow: Exactly. I mean, did we not put the 'grr' in 'girl'?
Buffy: Wish me monsters.
Buffy: Alright. Why don't you quit hiding and come out and face me like a ... thing.
Kathy: What the blizzard was that all about?
Buffy: Demon. Last night. Made with the pummelling, but he got away.
Buffy: Um, he had a cloak on, glowy green eyes, and his skin had that, like, that super bad fake rub-on tan.
Giles: Translate?
Buffy: Um, orangey?
Giles: You took your roommate patrolling with you?
Buffy: Well, I invited the whole dorm, but she was the only one who could make it.
Buffy: I know, it's probably just me having a bitch attack. But it's not ... me.
Parker: Ex-boyfriend or loan shark?
Buffy: Excuse me?
Parker: The person you're hiding from.
Buffy: Oh. Both. Ugly break-up.
Buffy: Not that I mind, but don't non-college guys usually populate the non-campus?
Kathy: Eww! Who left their gum here?
Buffy: Gum-gnome?
Kathy: It wasn't me. It had to be somebody, Buffy!
Buffy: And the worst part: I wake up and there's Kathy staring at me like I'm some kind of freak.
Oz: Well, actually, the worst part, I'd have to go with the demon pouring the blood down your throat.
Willow: Me too. I would vote for that, too.
Willow: He's our grown-up friend. Not in a creepy way.
Kathy: Hmm. Sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
Buffy: And guess what? You were next to it!
Buffy: Cool. You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class.
Oz: Which could also be construed as the brain thing.
Buffy: Not when you're minoring in Napping 101.
Willow: Ok, so that was the evil twin right? Coz she was bordering on Cordelia-esque.
Kathy: You're problem is, you're spoiled. Maybe the world revolved around you where you used to live, but it's share-time now!
Oz: Well, I'm not saying we'll braid each other's hair. Probably, but, you know, I can hang with her, watch for signs she's going over the edge.
Buffy: So then she's like, 'It's share-time.' And I'm like, 'Oh yeah? Share this!' (punches the air)
Oz: So either you hit her or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
Buffy: Well, I didn't do either, actually. But she deserved it, don't ya think?
Oz: Nobody deserves mime, Buffy.
Buffy: Kathy does. She deserves to be locked in an invisible box and blown away by an imaginary wind, and
Oz: Forced to wear a binding unitard?
Buffy: Yeah, the itchy kind! It's perfect!
Buffy: She's the Titanic! She's a crawling black cancer! (kicks and breaks a nearby bench.) She's ... other really bad things!
Oz: Well, on the plus side you killed the bench, which was looking shifty.
Buffy: Kathy's evil. I'm an evil fighter. It's simple. I'm gonna have to kill her.
Willow: Toenails?
Buffy: Evil toenails. I took them off the floor last night when she was in the bathroom. She thought I was asleep.
Willow: Good thinking, coz in the middle of the night those toenails could have attacked you and left little half-moon marks all over your body.
Buffy: Don't be ridiculous. The point is, I measured them before I fell asleep, and again this morning. And they grew! After they were cut! That's a demon thing. She has to be eliminated.
Willow: Of course. It makes sense now. But, you better show those bad puppies to Giles, before you do anything, just to be sure.
Buffy: Oh, absolutely! I wouldn't wanna do anything crazy!
Willow: Giles. I just talked to Buffy and, yeah, I think she's feeling a little crazy. No, not bitchy crazy, more like homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, kay?
Buffy: She irons her jeans. She's evil.
The Harsh Light of Day
Xander: I'm not enjoying this.
Giles: Well, shelve them correctly and we can finish.
Xander: I don't get your crazy system.
Giles: System? It's called the alphabet.
Xander: Huh, would you look at that?
Anya: Sometimes, in my dreams, you're all naked.
Xander: Really? You know, if I'm in the checkout lane at the Wal-Mart I've had the same one.
Oz: Yeah, we came to warn you about the... angry puppy.
Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
Spike: No.
Harmony: Oh. Can I make him a vampire?
Spike: No. Wait, on second thought, yeah, go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids as well.
Anya: I think it's the secret to getting you out of my mind. Putting you behind me. Behind me figuratively I'm thinking face to face for the event itself.
Anya: I like you. You're funny and you're nicely shaped, and frankly it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now.
Xander: And the amazing thing? Still more romantic than Faith.
Parker: You think I could get a dance with the prettiest girl at the party?
Buffy: And what will I do? Just stand here and watch?
Harmony: You love that tunnel more than me.
Spike: I love syphilis more than you.
Oz: OK, either I'm borrowing all your records or I'm moving in.
Spike: What a fantastic day. Birds singin', squirrels makin' lots of rotten little squirrels, the sun beaming down in a nice non-fatal way. It's very exciting. I can't wait to see if I freckle.
Spike: Oh, do it again. It tickles. You know, in a good way.
Buffy: The Gem.
Spike: Oh yeah, the Gem of Amara. Official sponsor of my killing you.
Harmony: Being a vampire sucks.
Spike: So, you let Parker take a poke, eh? Didn't seem like you knew each other that well. What exactly did it take to pry apart the Slayer's dimpled knees.
Buffy: You're a pig, Spike.
Buffy: So what I'm wondering is: does this always happen? Sleep with a guy and he goes all evil?
Willow: He's a poophead.
Buffy: Am I repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me, you'd tell me, right?
Willow: I'm your friend. I would call you repulsive in a second.
Buffy: Maybe Parker and I could still work it out. Do you think that we could still work it out?
Willow: I think you're missing something about the whole poophead principle.
Fear, Itself
Xander: I don't know. I was going for ferocious-scary, but it's coming out more dryly sardonic.
Willow: It does appear to be mocking you with its eye holes.
Oz: Yeah, it's nose hole seems sad and full of self-loathing.
Buffy: I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others, and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and rips your guts out.
Xander: Now? The night's still ... well, okay it's a little mature, but still.
Willow: Where's supportive boyfriend guy?
Oz: Oh, he's picking up your dry-cleaning, but he told me to tell you he's afraid you're going to get hurt.
Josh: Halloween isn't about thrills, chills, and funny costumes; it's about getting laid.
Edward: Is there any holiday that's not about getting laid?
Josh: Arbor Day.
Xander: Well, that's the funny thing about me. I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value.
Anya: That's stupid!
Xander: I accept that.
Anya: It's been exactly one week since we copulated. Did you forget?
Buffy: Oh, that just paved right over memory lane, huh?
Buffy: Let's just get to the party part of the... party.
Buffy: Thank the Lord.
Oz: You're welcome.
Buffy: Conjuring? Will, let's be realistic here, okay? Your basic spells are usually only about 50-50.
Willow: Oh yeah?! Well... so's your face.
Buffy: What?
Xander: I'd offer my opinion, but you jerks aren't gonna hear it anyway. Not that didn't-go-to-college-boy has anything important to say. I might as well hang out with my new best friend, bleeding dummy head, for all you dorks care.
Buffy: What is wrong with you?
Xander: Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?
Giles: Don't taunt the fear demon.
Xander: Why? Can he hurt me?
Giles: No, it's just... tacky.
Buffy: There's no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate.
Willow: I think I'm gonna barf.
Buffy: Except that.
Beer Bad
Willow: I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up.
Xander: What gives it away?
Willow: Looking at it.
Buffy: You know there is more to it than wiping and kicking? Mixing drinks, for instance.
Xander: Oh, I've seen Cocktail. I can do the hippy-hippy shake.
Xander: Au contraire, mon frθre.
Buffy: Mon frθre means brother.
Xander: Mon girl-frθre.
Willow: I'm pregnant by my step-brother who'd rather be with my best friend and who's left me with no place to live, no food, except for this bottle of Wild Turkey, which I drank all up. (Xander stares at her) That's me being tanked and friendless for ya.
Xander: Pfft. Nothing can defeat the penis! Too loud. Very unseemly.
Guy: Possibly debating the geo-political ramifications of bio-engineering. You got a take on that?
Xander: I've got beer. You want some beer?
Willow: My name is Veruca, I'm in a band. Oh, I'm Oz. I'm in a band, too. Oh, and this is Will. Oh, how fun, a groupie.
Buffy: I'm suffering the afterness of a bad night of... badness.
Willow: You didn't. Not with Parker again.
Buffy: No. with four really smart guys.
Willow: Four? Oh... ow. Oh, Buffy, are you OK? Do you want to talk about it?
Buffy: I went to see Xander. Then I saw Parker. Then came... beer.
Willow: And then group sex?
Buffy: Pfft... gutterface. No! Just lots and lots of beer.
Willow: He deserves a torturous and slow death by spider bites. Well, for today, we'll just have to throw spitballs at his neck in class.
Buffy: Want beer. Like beer. Beer good.
Xander: Beer bad. Bad, bad beer. What the hell am I saying?
Giles: I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.
Xander: I didn't know it was evil.
Giles: You knew it was beer.
Xander: Well, excuse me, Mr. 'I spent the sixties in an electric-kool-aid-funky-Satan groove.'
Giles: It was the early seventies and you should know better.
Willow: Just how gullible do you think I am? I mean, with your gentle eyes and your shy smile and your ability to talk openly only to me. You're unbelievable!
Willow: That's right. I got your number, id boy. Only thing you're thinking about is how long before you can jump on my bones.
Xander: Giles, don't make Cave-Slayer unhappy.
Xander: And was there a lesson in all this? Huh? What did we learn about beer?
Buffy: Foamy!
Xander: Good. Just as long as that's clear.
Wild At Heart
Buffy: You know very well, you eat this late... (stakes him)... you're gonna get heartburn. Get it? Heartburn? That's it? That's all I get? One lame-ass vamp with no appreciation for my painstakingly thought out puns. I don't think the forces of darkness are even trying.
Spike: Watch your mouth, little girl. You should know better than to tempt the Fates that way. 'Cause the Big Bad is back, and this time it's... arghhhhh!
Willow: Cause The Bronze is nice and familiar. It's like a big comfy blanky.
Oz: I was under the impression that I was your big comfy blanky.
Willow: Ah, you're my person blanky; this is my place blanky.
Giles: Hello.
Buffy: Giles, trouble?
Giles: Don't look at me that way. I'm down with the new music.
Willow: You made me jealous of you academically! Buffy!
Buffy: She wants me to lead a discussion group next class. That means more work right? Shouldn't she have a better reward system, you know, like a cookie, or a toy surprise like at the dentist?
Willow: How come you didn't tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake in this shirt?
Buffy: I thought that was the point.
Willow: I have wrong feelings about other guys sometimes, but I feel guilty and I flog and punish.
Buffy: Exactly. I'm sure Oz is flogging and punishing himself... this is sounding wrong before I even finish.
Giles: You came on business, I hope?
Buffy: Yes. Lucky for you, people may be in danger.
Xander: I suspect she's afraid I'll start having the sex.
Willow: I need a translator from the 'Y' side of things.
Xander: Well, last time I checked, I had the creds.
Willow: What if the girl wants to, and the guy doesn't? That's a bad sign, right?
Xander: Could be. Or the girl caught the guy in one of the seven annual minutes he is legitimately too preoccupied to... do it.
Buffy: Oz, you OK? I mean, if it's possible, you seem more monosyllabic than usual.
Oz: Look, Buffy, you should know that-
Buffy: Oz, now might be a good time for your trademark stoicism.
Oz: Veruca was right about something. The wolf is inside me all the time, and I don't know where that line is anymore between me and it. And until I figure out what that means, I shouldn't be around you, or anybody.
Willow: Well, that could be a problem, 'cause people... kind of a planetary epidemic.
The Initiative
Forrest: Check her out. Is she hot, or is she hot?
Riley: She's Buffy.
Forrest: Buffy. I like that. The girl's so hot, she's Buffy.
Riley: That's her name, Forrest.
Riley: There's definitely something off about her.
Graham: Maybe she's Canadian.
Xander: Well, how about this: we whip out the Ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient unstoppable evil? Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem; we show up and and kick its ass.
Giles: A wee bit unethical.
Xander: How's Will doing
Buffy: With the black hole of despair she's been living in since Oz left? She's dealing. I'm helping. It's hard. Ergo party.
Buffy: Now if you'll excuse me, I need go find something slutty to wear tonight.
Spike: I always worried what would happen when that bitch got some funding.
Willow: Riley, I noticed you left off a name today in roll call. Osborne, Daniel Osborne, Oz?
Buffy: You know for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.
Prof. Walsh: It's not my job to coddle my students.
Buffy: You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job.
Prof. Walsh: I like her.
Riley: Really? You don't think she's a little peculiar?
Xander's Mom: Xander!
Xander: Yes, Mom?
Xander's Mom: I made a nice fruit punch for you and your friend. Would you boys like some?
Giles: Is it, uh, raspberry fruit punch?
Parker: You know the difference between a freshman girl and a toilet seat? A toilet seat doesn't follow you around after you use it. (Riley punches him.)
Willow: OK, say that I help, and you start a conversation, it goes great, you like Buffy, she likes you, you spend time together, feelings grow deeper, and one day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops, and it feels like the whole world is made for you two, and you two alone, until the day one of you leaves and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow mockery of the human condition.
Riley: Yep, that's the plan.
Willow: I've seen honest faces before. They usually come attached to liars.
Willow: She likes cheese... I'm not saying it's the key to her heart, but Buffy... she likes cheese.
Harmony: Spikey. Let's leave the Slayer alone. You know she'll only slap you around, and I can do that.
Willow: OK, she's wearing the halter top with sensible shoes. That means mostly dancing, light contact, but don't push your luck. Heavy conversation's out of the question.
Willow: If you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun!
Harmony: Oh, I'm so gonna bite you.
Riley: You don't understand, I'm good at things. That's what I do. I work hard, apply myself, get it done.
Willow: Well, you failed extremely well.
Riley: The problem is, what kind of girl is going to go out with a guy who's acting all Joe Regular by day, and then turns all demon-hunter by night?
Graham: Maybe a peculiar one?
Buffy: What's wrong with him? Doesn't Spike get that this is my town?
Spike: I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before.
Willow: Maybe you were nervous.
Spike: I felt all right when I started. Let's try again.
Spike: Damn it!
Willow: Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
Spike: Not to me, it doesn't!
Willow: It's me, isn't it?
Spike: What are you talking about?
Willow: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn't want to bite me, I just happened to be around.
Spike: Piffle.
Willow: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, 'Oh, you're like a sister to me,' or, 'Oh, you're such a good friend.'
Spike: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
Willow: Really?
Spike: Thought about it.
Willow: When?
Spike: Remember last year? You had on that fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath.
Willow: I never would have guessed. You played the bloodlust kinda cool.
Spike: Mmmm. I hate being obvious. Being all fangy and 'Rrr.' Takes the mystery out.
Willow: But if you could...
Spike: If I could, yeah.
Willow: You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.
Spike: Don't patronize me! I'm only a hundred and twenty-six!
Willow: You're being too hard on yourself. Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again? Or... (Grabs a lamp and whacks him.)
Riley: Did Willow tell you I like cheese?
Buffy: You're a little peculiar.
Pangs
Buffy : Very manly. Not at all Village People.
Anya: I love a ritual sacrifice.
Buffy: Not really a one of those.
Anya: To commemorate a past event you kill and eat an animal. A ritual sacrifice... with pie.
Anya: Soon he'll be sweating. I'm imagining having sex with him again.
Buffy: Imaginary Xander is quite the machine.
Xander: I'm OK, I'm OK! ... Where am I OK?
Willow: It's a turvy-topsy world.
Buffy: It is a sham, but it's a sham with yams. It's a yam sham.
Willow: You're not gonna jokey-ryhme your way out of this.
Xander: You're a strange girlfriend.
Anya: I'm a girlfriend?
Xander: Um... there's a chance I'm delirious.
Willow: The coroner's office said she was missing an ear, so I'm thinking maybe we're looking for a witch. There's some great spells that work much better with an ear in the mix.
Buffy: That's one fun little hobby you got there, Will.
Buffy: It was pretty darn scary. It was more like a riot than a Ralphs. I thought I was going to have to use Slayer moves on this one woman who was completely hoarding the pumpkin pie filling.
Willow: Hey, and later we can churn our own butter and make sweaters out of sheep.
Willow: Look, they're selling coffee in coffee shop. Yum.
Willow: Evil! You're all evil again!
Harmony: I'm powerful, and I'm beautiful, and I don't need you to complete me. And you're mean!
Giles: Yes, always behind on terms. I'm still trying not to refer to you lot as 'bloody colonials.'
Willow: You know, I don't think you want to help! You just want to slay the demon and go 'la, la, la.'
Willow: Angel? I saw him too.
Giles: That's not terribly stealthy of him.
Willow: I think he's lost his edge.
Giles: That's why I think we should all keep a level head at this.
Willow: And I happen to think that mine is the level head and yours is the one things would roll off of.
Spike: What part of 'help me!' do you not understand?
Buffy: The part where I help you.
Spike: I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore.
Spike: Oh, leave that one! He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead.
Buffy: You can have casinos now!
Anya: So this is Angel. He's large and glowery, isn't he?
Angel: I'm not evil again. Why does everyone think that?
Willow: Angel's here to protect Buffy.
Angel: I haven't been evil for a long time!
Anya: What's he like when he is evil?
Spike: A bear! You made a bear!
Buffy: I didn't mean to!
Spike: Undo it! Undo it!
Something Blue
Buffy: Is there something you want to tell me?
Riley: What? Oh, yes. I am a lesbian.
Buffy: Well, it's good that you're so open about it.
Riley: Hey, you know, we were talking about having a picnic? I was thinking, do you ever hang out at Rugg's Field? It's beautiful there, usually not that crowded either. I thought maybe we could have a little spread sandwiches, maybe some ants. Could be fun.
Buffy: We were talking about having a picnic?
Riley: Oh, so was that a conversation I actually had, or one I was just practicing?
Buffy: Practicing?
Riley: OK, yes, I have been known to do a little prep work before our conversations. It's not easy, you know, talking to you, sometimes. It's like an oral exam.
Riley: Probably every beautiful girl in the world has some jerk telling her she's a mystery, but I swear, you really are. There's a lot about you that needs puzzling out.
Riley: ...Say, don't you just love a picnic?
Willow: So he's nice?
Buffy: Very very.
Willow: And there's sparkage?
Buffy: Yeah. He's... have you seen his arms? Those are good arms to have.
Giles: We can't let you go until we're sure that you're impotent or
Spike: Hey!
Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we know that you're...
Buffy: Flaccid?
Spike: You are one step away, missy!
Buffy: Giles help! He's gonna scold me!
Buffy: Look at my poor neck all bare, and tender, and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away.
Spike: Giles, make her stop!
Giles: If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand.
Willow: I feel like I've been split down the centre and half of me is lost.
Riley: You can have the best time in a car. It's not about getting somewhere. You have to take your time. Forget about everything. Just relax. Let it wash over you. The air, motion. Just let it roll.
Buffy: We are talking about driving, right?
Riley: Thought I was.
Xander: Will, not loving the drowning of the sorrows.
Willow: Not drowning, wading. See, lite.
Spike: Passions is on! Timmy's down the bloody well, and if you make me miss it I'll
Giles: Do what? Lick me to death?
Willow: Did Buffy tell you about the beer, 'cause...
Giles: Uh, Buffy didn't tell me anything.
Willow: Oh, well forget the beer part then.
Giles: Happily.
Willow: The only real witch here is fuzzy little Amy.
Buffy: I think you're being too hard on yourself.
Willow: She's got access to powers I can't even invoke. I mean first she's a perfectly normal girl... (Amy turns human) ...and then 'poof' she's a rat. (Amy turns back to a rat) I could never do something like that.
Spike: You're not gonna do anything to me. You don't have the stones!
Buffy: Oh, I got the stones! I've got a whole bunch of... stones!
Spike: When I get this spell reversed, they'll be finding your body for weeks.
Buffy: Oh, make a move. Please. I'm dying for a good slay!
Buffy: It's just so sudden, I don't know what to say.
Spike: Just say yes, and make me the happiest man on earth.
Buffy: Oh, Spike, of course it's yes!
Giles: Are you helping me?
Spike: Well, it's almost like you're my father-in-law, isn't it?
Buffy: Riley, look. Aren't they beautiful?
Riley: Uh, yeah. They're nice. A little dressy, maybe, for school, but...
Buffy: Riley.
Riley: Buffy.
Buffy: I really like you. I hope you know that you mean a lot to me. And if things were different
Riley: Different than what?
Buffy: I want you to promise me that we can always be friends. And I'd really like you to be there on the day.
Riley: The day when...?
Buffy: The wedding!
Riley: The wedding. What wedding?
Buffy: My wedding! I'm getting married, can you believe it?
Riley: I don't think 'no' is a strong enough word.
Riley: What's his name?
Buffy: Who?
Riley: The groom?
Buffy: Spike.
Riley: That's a name?!
Buffy: Don't be mad.
Riley: I'm not mad!
Buffy: No, you are mad!
Riley: No, I am. I... I really... Wow. Who is this guy? Does he go here?
Buffy: Spike? Oh, no, he's totally old!
Riley: Old?
Buffy: Well, not as old as my last boyfriend was.
Riley: OK. It's late, and I'm... I'm very tired now, so, I'm just gonna go far away and be... away.
Buffy: But
Riley: No. Stay.
Xander: Just think of my lips as the Fruit Roll-Ups of Love... OK, that was gross.
Giles: Stop that right now! I can hear the smacking.
Buffy: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you want to be 'William the Bloody' or just 'Spike,' because either way it's gonna look majorly weird.
Spike: Whereas the name 'Buffy' gives it that touch of classic elegance.
Buffy: What's wrong with 'Buffy'?
Giles: Ah, such a good question.
Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
Xander: How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.
Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.
Buffy: I probably only escaped because I'm the Slayer. Some kind of natural immunity.
Xander: Yeah, right, you're marrying Spike because you're so right for each other.
Buffy: Xander!
Spike: That's it, you're off the usher list.
Buffy: Spike, these are my friends. Besides, it's kind of my job.
Spike: For now.
Buffy: What, you want me to stop working?
Spike: Let's see. Do I want you to give up killing my friends? Yeah, I've given it some thought.
Hush
Girl: Can't even shout, can't even cry
The Gentlemen are coming by
Looking in windows, knocking on doors
They need to take seven and they might take yours
Can't call to mom, can't say a word
You're gonna die screaming but you won't be heard.
Buffy: Just tell me I didn't snore.
Willow: Very discrete. Minimal drooling.
Riley: So tell me about your dream. As a Psych major, I'm qualified to go, 'hmmm.'
Riley: Well, did I appear at all in this dream?
Buffy: There might have been a cameo.
Riley: Is that right?
Buffy: Maybe more like feature role.
Riley: Romantic lead?
Buffy: I'm not saying a word.
Riley: Uh, what have you got going on tonight?
Buffy: Uh, patrolling.
Riley: Patrolling?
Buffy: Uh, petroleum.
Riley: Petroleum?
Buffy: Uh huh.
Riley: Tonight you have crude oil?
Buffy: A-and homework.
Spike: Sometimes I like to crumble the Weetbix in the blood. Gives it a little texture.
Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
Spike: Sissy.
Anya: You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.
Xander: OK, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
Spike: Oh, we're not your friends; go on.
Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone.
Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could've said.
Spike: I'm not having these two shag while I'm tied to a chair three feet away.
Willow: But, there's also other stuff that we might show an interest in, as a Wicca group.
Wicca Group girl: Like what?
Willow: Well, there's the wacky notion of spells. You know, conjuring, transmutation.
Wicca Group Girl: Oh yeah. Then we could all get on our broomsticks and fly around on our broomsticks.
Willow: Talk. All talk. 'Blah, blah, Gaia. Blah, blah, moon. Menstrual life-force power thingy.'
Buffy: No actual witches in your witch group?
Willow: No. Bunch of wanna-blessed-be's. Nowadays every girl with a henna tattoo and a spice rack thinks she's a sister to the dark ones.
Willow: Well, get with it. I need my vicarious smoochies.
Buffy: I don't know. I get nervous and I start babbling, and he starts babbling, and it's a babblefest.
Forrest: We have a gig that would inevitably cause any girl living to think we are cool upon cool. Yet, we must Clark Kent our way through the dating scene never to use our unfair advantage... thank God we're pretty.
Spike: Like I'd bite you anyway.
Xander: Oh, you would!
Spike: Not bloody likely.
Xander: I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist, and delicious.
Spike: All right, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat.
Xander: And don't you forget it!
Spike: Xander, don't you care about me?
Xander: Shut up.
Spike: We never talk.
Xander: Shut! Up!
Spike: Xaaaaander...
Xander: Shutup!
Doomed
Riley: What are you?
Buffy: Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. You?
Buffy: I'm the Slayer. (Riley looks blankly.) Slay-er. Chosen One. She who hangs out a lot in cemeteries. You're kidding me! Ask around. Look it up. Slayer, comma, The.
Riley: And you fight demons. I mean, you whaled on those guys.
Buffy: You did pretty well yourself.
Riley: Yeah, but I'm a walking bruise today. If you see me with my clothes off, I look like a... I mean, I have bruises.
Buffy: I really thought that you were a nice, normal guy.
Riley: I am a nice, normal guy.
Buffy: Maybe by this town's standards, but I'm not grading on a curve.
Spike: My sodding sleeping chair's bloody... sodden.
Spike: Do I look like a plumber to you?
Xander: No, you look like a big mooch who doesn't lift a finger around here.
Willow: So, naturally they're dealing with the crisis the only way they know how: 'Aftershock Party.'
Buffy: Ah, this from the dorm that brought us the 'Somebody-Sneezed Party,' and the 'Day that Ends in Y Party.'
Willow: They do seem to be pretty generous with their milestones.
Forrest: Well, the way I got it figured, The Slayer is like some kind of bogeyman to sub-terrestrials. Something they tell their little spawn to make them eat their vegetables and clean up their slime pits.
Riley: You're telling me she doesn't exist?
Forrest: Oh, wait a sec. Am I bursting somebody's bubble here? Maybe this a bad time to tell you about the Easter Bunny.
Laurie: ...why, so I can watch you flirt with that redhead?
Percy: What, Rosenberg? Yeah, right. She's just some egghead who tutored me a little in high school. I mean, she's nice, but come on, captain of the nerd squad.
Laurie: Well, I don't know. Maybe you have a thing for geeks.
Percy: Uh, no. I like my women hot. Call me old-fashioned.
Xander: I hate to break it to you, O Impotent One, but you're not the Big Bad anymore. You're not even the Kind of Naughty. You're nothing but a waste of space. My space! And as much I always got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum, and as much as I know that I could give you a little bum-kicking myself right now, I'm here to tell you something: You're not even worth it!
Riley: Buffy. She's pretty cool, huh?
Forrest: Yes, already! She's cool. She's hot. She's tepid. She's all-temperature Buffy.
Giles: It's the end of the world.
Buffy, Willow, and Xander: Again?!
Buffy: I told you. I said 'End of the World,' and you were like pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh.
Buffy: Big, freaky cereal boxes of death.
Riley: I don't know what's happened in your past.
Buffy: Pain. Death. Apocalypse. None of it fun.
Buffy: This is a job to you.
Riley: It's not just a job!
Buffy: It's an adventure, great. But for me, it's destiny. It is something that I can't change, something that I can't escape. I'm stuck.
Xander: We've shared a lot here. You should have trusted me enough to do it for you.
Willow: Xander!
Xander: What? He wants to die, I wanna help...
Willow: It's ooky! We know him! We can't just let him poof himself!
Spike: Oh, but you can. You know I'd drain you drier than the Sahara if I had half a chance.
Spike: Stuck in this basement washing skivvies for a blighter I wouldn't have bothered to bite a few months ago.
Xander: Hey!
Xander: Think of the happy. If we don't find what we're looking for, we're facing the apocalypse.
Spike: Really? You're not just saying that?
Riley: This thing this you and me thing... it's stupid!
Buffy: I know. Which is why we can't do it... the you and me thing.
Riley: No. I mean, you're stupid. ... I mean... I don't mean that. No. I think maybe I do!
Buffy: Wow. With sweet talk like that, you'll definitely melt my reservations.
Riley: I mean, you're a... fry cook. And so am I.
Buffy: Yes, but you're an amateur... fry cook. I come from a long line of fry cooks that don't live past twenty-five.
Spike: Buffy fights the forces of evil. You're just her groupies.
Giles: Oh as usual dear.
Xander: Sunnydale High. If these walls were still walls, what stories they could tell. Ew! Mayor meat, extra crispy.
Xander: You're picking on the wrong guy, dude! I had a lot of practice with my lunch money!
Spike: That's right! I'm back and I'm a bloody animal! Yeah!
Riley: Yeah, I was just passing by, and I thought I heard people inside.
Willow: You were just passing by in your G.I. Joe outfit?
Buffy: No offense, but you do look wicked conspicuous.
Riley: I do? I... paint ball! I was just playing paint ball... and then the aftershock...
Xander: So you're one of the commando guys, huh?
Riley: Oh, no no no no. Commando, no, I mean... (to Spike) Do I know you?
Spike: Me? No. No, sir. I'm just an ol' pal of Xander's here
Riley: But last night with your friends was a disaster. I mean, could I have been less convincing? I was trained to be sneaky and stuff and I'm like, 'Hi! Paint ball. Just passing by.' I should have just given them my security code and rank.
Buffy: You have a security code and rank?
Riley: No. Did I just say...? This is so not good.
Spike: I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can't go without your Buffy? Is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her! She is the Chosen One, after all. Come one, vampires, rrrr, nasty! Let's annihilate them. For justice, and for... the safety of puppies, and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!
Olivia: All the time you used to talk to me about witchcraft and darkness and the like, I just thought you were being pretentious.
Giles: Oh, I was. I was also right.
Olivia: So everything you told me was true?
Giles: Well, no, um, I wasn't actually one of the original members of Pink Floyd, but... but the monster stuff yes.
A New Man
Anya: I'm bored. Let's eat.
Xander: Anya, we talked about this.
Anya: I'm sorry, that was rude. Please continue your story. (She smiles at Xander) Hopefully it involves treacle and a headmaster.
Giles: Go eat.
Buffy: Giles was the librarian at my high school.
Riley: Ah, I've seen the library. It's gone downhill since you left.
Buffy: Of course, you could smash in all my toes with a hammer and it would still be the bestest Buffy birthday bash in a big long while.
Giles: Perhaps we should have invited Professor Walsh to the party.
Buffy: Oh no. I mean, she's like forty. She's got better things to do than hang out with a bunch of kids.
Xander: That's my radio!
Spike: And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil.
Anya: So what kind of place are you looking for?
Spike: I don't know. Maybe a crypt. Someplace, you know, dark and dank but not as dark and dank as this.
Anya: It's pretty depressing, isn't it?
Spike: I've known corpses with a fresher smell. In fact, I've been one.
Walsh: So, the Slayer.
Buffy: Yeah, that's me.
Walsh: We thought you were a myth.
Buffy: Well, you were myth-taken.
Walsh: It's only our methods that differ. We use the latest in scientific technology and state-of-the-art weaponry, and you, if I understand correctly, poke them with a sharp stick.
Buffy: Oh, it's more effective than it sounds.
Walsh: I think you'll find the results of our operation most impressive. Agent Finn here alone has killed or captured how many is it?
Riley: Seventeen. Eleven vampires, six demons.
Buffy: Oh. Wow. I mean that's... seventeen.
Riley: But you killed the... You did the thing with that... You drowned! And the snake?! Not to mention daily slayage of... Wow.
Buffy: It's no big, really. Hey, who wants ice cream?
Riley: Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. It turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse.
Giles: Once you get to know her, she's a very unique girl. I hope you're not going to push her
Walsh: I think I do know her. And I have found her to be a unique woman.
Giles: Woman, of course. How wrong of me to choose my own words.
Willow: You know. I'm sure you know. Riley's... one of the commandos.
Giles: What?! Well that's marvellous, isn't it? Here I am, spent weeks trying to get a scrap of information about our mysterious demon collectors and no one bothers to tell me that Buffy's dating one of them?!
Giles: You know what gets me? This is what gets me. Twenty years I've been fighting demons. Maggie Walsh and her nancy ninja boys come in; six months later, demons are pissing themselves with fear. They never even noticed me.
Giles: What am I? I'm an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head.
Buffy: I'm spending today with Riley.
Willow: Oh yeah, I forgot, that's what you always do on days when the Earth rotates.
Spike: Well. What do I spy with my little eye? A demon. That would be oh, right... the things I can kill.
Giles: You have to help me find him. He must undo this, and then he needs a good being killed.
Spike: And I'm supposed to do this just out of the evilness of my heart?
Willow: It stole Giles' car!
Xander: Why would a demon steal a car?
Anya: Why would a demon steal that car?
Spike: Two of them. English like me, but older, less attractive.
Riley: Buffy, I can't take you with me.
Buffy: You're not taking me with you. I am going and I am letting you come along.
Spike: How ya feeling, mate?
Giles: Like snapping necks until everyone's dead.
Spike: Now that's a Fyarl demon. Good for you.
Buffy: This is for Giles!
Giles: For me?
Ethan: I've really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town. It's the stay and gloat gets me every time.
Giles: How did you know it was me?
Buffy: Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me.
Giles: If you don't mind, I'm just going to go watch them manhandle him into a vehicle.
Riley: You're really strong. Like, Spiderman strong.
Buffy: Yeah. But I don't stick to stuff. But, yeah.
Riley: And you're in charge. You're like, make the plan, execute the plan. No one giving you orders.
Buffy: I'm the Slayer.
Riley: I like it.
Buffy: Yeah?
Riley: But give me another, oh, week to get ready, and I'll take you down.
Buffy: Uh-oh, you have but-face.
(Giles looks confused.)
Buffy: You look like you're gonna say but.
Riley: She has the truest soul I've ever known.
Walsh: Oh no. Spontaneous poetic exclamations. Lord spare me college boys in love.
The I in Team
Xander: You know, magic at the poker table qualifies as cheating.
Willow: Whatcha got in the boxes, drugs? It's not drugs is it, Xander?
Willow: Those things usually taste kind of tasteless, then leave a bad aftertastelessness.
Anya: Come on, somebody bet already. I've got three 'K' cards.
Willow: Guess she's out with Riley. You know what it's like with a spanking new boyfriend.
Anya: Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.
Buffy: I was just lucky.
Walsh: I see, well, still very impressive.
Buffy: I was just being modest with the whole lucky thing. You got that right?
Buffy: ... A Twinkie! That's his lunch? Oh, he is so gonna be punished.
Willow: Everyone's getting spanked but me.
Spike: And I don't want you crawling back here, knocking on my door, pleading for help the second teen witch's magic goes all wonky, or little Xander cuts a new tooth.
Buffy: You said it was big. You told me, but you never said it was huge!
Riley: Don't like to brag.
Willow: Wow, I've been trying to find a dolls-eye crystal my entire life. Well, since June, anyway.
Riley: Hope you don't mind us tagging along.
Willow: No, no, of course not, the more the... more.
Walsh: You might want to be suited up for this.
Buffy: Oh, you mean the camo and stuff. I thought about it, but on me it's gonna look all Private Benjamin. Don't worry, I've patrolled in this halter many times.
Goodbye Iowa
Xander: Storm the Initiative? Yeah, let's take on those suckers!
Buffy: I was thinking more that we'd hide.
Xander: Oh thank God.
Buffy: Maggie tried to kill me.
Anya: It didn't work, but they're all upset anyway.
Riley: That's hostile seventeen.
Spike: No. I'm just a friend of Xander's... Bugger it. I'm your guy.
Buffy: This is Spike. He's um... it's a really long story. But he's not bad anymore!
Spike: Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad! It's just... I can't bite anymore, thanks to you wankers.
Adam: What am I?
Boy: You're a monster.
Adam: I thought so. What are you?
Boy: Me? I'm a boy.
Adam: A boy. How do you work?
Boy: I don't know. I just do.
Willow: Well look who's cranky bear in the morning!
Giles: Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.
Anya: Every time you moved it made squeaky noises. It was irritating.
Giles: Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring.
Buffy: OK you guys, could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parents' marriage.
Buffy:That probably would've sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my Yummy Sushi pajamas.
Anya: You know you really should get yourself a boring boyfriend. Like Xander. You can't have Xander.
Buffy: That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were gonna do dumb things like hold hands through the daisies going 'tra la la.'
Willow: Poor Buffy. Your life resists all things average.
Anya: So dump him. But you can't have Xander!
Buffy: Hello? I'm apologizing here. I think it's pretty big of me, considering I'm the one who was almost made a demon sandwich. This is the part where you throw me a bone.
Buffy: I'm gonna have to punch you, aren't I?
Willy: Just once. And it don't have to hurt, just make it look good.
Willy: Ow! Oh!
Buffy: Not yet. I haven't touched you!
Riley: I thought you were supposed to be killing these things, not buying them drinks.
Buffy: Oh, that's smooth, Officer Riley. They teach you those undercover moves in Special Forces?
Willy: Hey! We got new rules here: no killing.
Buffy: Giles, Anya you keep researching. Xander, you and I are going undercover.
Anya: Hey! Remember before? No Xander. Not in a boyfriend way; not in a lead-him-to-certain-death way.
Buffy: I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan.
Xander: The Eww! I don't wanna see that!
Buffy: Retinal scan, Xander.
Xander: Why am I not entirely comforted by the arrival of a man-sized microwave?
Xander: Holy moly!
Buffy: I know.
Xander: I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley, too?
Xander: Quick, pretend to make out with me.
Buffy: What? What are you talking about?
Xander: Well, I uh... you know, in the movies, the guy and the girl have to hide.
Buffy: Please. Could you possibly draw more attention to us? This is the Initiative, Xander. Military guys and scientists do not make out with each other!
Xander: Well maybe that's what's wrong with the world. Ever think about that?
Spike: Double shot of O-Neg, keep. Make it the good stuff. I don't want no freakin' Orangutan.
Buffy: I feel an attack of dumb blonde coming on.
This Year's Girl
Willow: You two crazy kids take down an unstoppable killer cyber-demon-hybrid thingy and we'll call it all even.
Xander: There's no way to politely ask you this, but did they put a chip in your brain?
Riley: All I had in there was this one little part of you.
Buffy: It's just a scarf part of me, really.
Riley: What are you doing?
Buffy: I am looking for brain-washy chips in your head.
Xander: I'd say this qualifies for a worst-timing ever award.
Xander: I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic.
Willow: I have an idea beat the crap out of her!
Willow: That was the funnest coma ever.
Giles: Perhaps there's some form of rehabilitation we just haven't thought about.
Willow: And if not, ass-kicking makes a solid Plan B.
Willow: What did you tell him?
Buffy: The truth. That she's my wacky identical cousin from England, and whenever she visits, hijinks ensue.
Willow: It's good that you two have such an honest relationship.
Buffy: Faith, these are innocent people.
Faith: No such animal.
Faith: You took my life, B. Payback's a bitch.
Willow: Look who's talking.
Willow: Hunting for a psychopathic superbitch is definitely in the above-and-beyond category.
Willow: I'd be lucky to bruise her fist with my face.
Willow: She's like this cleavagey slutbomb walking around going 'Ooh. Check me out, I'm wicked cool. I'm five by five.'
Tara: Five by five? Five what by five what?
Willow: See, that's the thing. No one knows.
Who Are You
Willow: I hope they throw the book at her.
Giles: I'm not sure there is a book for this.
Willow: They could throw other things.
Willow: Ooh, I wish those council guys would let me have an hour alone in a room with her. If I was larger, and had grenades.
Anya: We were going to light a bunch of candles and have sex near them.
Faith/Buffy: Well, we certainly don't want to cut into that seven minutes.
Anya: Hey!
Xander: I believe that's my 'hey'. Hey!
Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Faith/Buffy: Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
Spike: Well, yeah, that covers a lot of it.
Faith/Buffy: 'Cause I can do anything I want, and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness? I mean, I could be rich. I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you would beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? Because it's wrong.
Tara: She's not your friend.
Willow: I may have overestimated the 'you-liking-her' factor.
Riley: Door's open.
Faith/Buffy: So?
Riley: So, my fantasies don't tend to include a bunch of Marines staring in at me.
Faith/Buffy: Oh, maybe they could learn something.
Giles: Look, I know what you are going to say, and...
Faith/Buffy: I'm Buffy.
Giles: All right, I didn't know what you were going to say, but that doesn't make you any less crazy.
Giles: Um, if you are Buffy, then you will let me tie you up without killing me until we find whether you are telling the truth.
Faith/Buffy: Giles, Faith has taken my body, and for all I know she's taken it to Mexico by now. I don't have time for bondage fun. Ask me a question, ask me anything.
Giles: Who's President?
Faith/Buffy: We're checking for Buffy, not a concussion.
Faith/Buffy: Oh, when I had psychic power I heard my mother think that you were like a stevedore during sex. Do you want me to continue?
Giles: Actually I beg you to stop.
Faith/Buffy: What's a stevedore?
Superstar
Willow: I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still such a thing as a napkin.
Willow: We knocked them deader!
Buffy: It's Buffy! You big, bleached... stupid guy.
Buffy: Oh.
Anya: You're not going away. Why aren't you going away?
Anya: Oh, okay. Um... say you really like shrimp a lot. Or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp, you'd say to yourself
Buffy: Stop! You're saying it wrong.
Anya: Or prawns.
Buffy: Stop with the shrimp! I am trying to do something here!
Giles: No... Yes. I-it was a gift.
Anya: That one's not so much fun.
Where the Wild things are
Giles: The two of them were working as a team?
Buffy: Everything except giving each other little pats on the behind.
Anya: Spike! What are you doing? You made me yell really high!
Anya: Oh now, come on! You're not even bumpy anymore.
Spike: Oh. I was just a minute ago. Hang on, get me mad again.
Willow: Hey, Buffy, this might be a good time to mention that someone so not me spilled something purply on your new peasant top, which I would never borrow without asking. Still love me?
Buffy: Uh-huh.
Anya: A year and a half ago I could have eviscerated him with my thoughts. Now I can barely hurt his feelings. Things used to be so much simpler.
Spike: You know... You take the killing for granted... And then it's gone, and you're like... I wish I'd appreciated it more. Stop and smell the corpses, you know?
Spike: Hey... I know these guys from somewhere.
Anya: Initiative soldiers. They live here. Experiments happen in the lab under the house that's where they kept you and put in your chip. Let's have fun!
Spike: What are you doing? You brought me here?
Xander: Anya? What are you doing? You brought him here?
Spike: That's what I said, only I hit the here part.
Spike: Oh... Who's the puffed up manly man, all splotchy and possessive.
Anya: I'm just trying to tell you that we have nothing in common besides both of us liking your penis, and now I don't even have that!
Willow: Ghost Boy. Drowning in a tub. I tried to save him, but... being a ghost already, well... I was way too late.
Xander: A ghost? What's the deal? Is every frat on this campus haunted? And if so, why do people keep coming to these parties? 'Cause it's not the snacks.
Xander: Um... could we go back to the haunted house? Because this is creeping me out.
Tara: Does he do this a lot?
Xander: Sure, every day the Earth rotates backwards and the skies turn orange.
Willow: Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.
Mrs. Holt: I refuse to listen to this when I can smell the sin on each and every one of you!
Xander: Yeah? You smell sin? Well, let me tell you something, lady. She who smelt it, dealt it!
Xander: So, with Buffy and Riley having... you know, acts of nakedness around the clock lately, maybe they set something free... like a big, bursting poltergasm.
New Moon Rising
Tara: Do you like cats?
Willow: I'm more of a dog person myself, but I'm not, like, death to all cats.
Giles: You know, I really don't appreciate your snide remarks, Anya. Now I have a great deal of experience in these matters and if I say there is a matter of some import brewing
Oz: Hey.
Willow: When did you get back?
Oz: Pretty much now.
Xander: Oz, man. Hate to sound grandma, but... you don't call. You don't write.
Buffy: God, I never knew you were such a bigot!
Riley: Whoa, hey, how did we get to bigot? I'm just saying it's a little weird to date someone who tries to eat you once a month.
Willow: It's so light out.
Oz: We talked all night.
Willow: Well, I believe a manly sized breakfast is order, don't you?
Oz: Or we could just... sleep a little while. Whatever you want.
Willow: I'll have the less confusing waffles right now.
Buffy: Those, like, regulation? You have to do those every morning?
Riley: No, just a good way to start the day.
Buffy: Great, then you can have your perfectly balanced breakfast, and then you can call your mother.
Riley: OK, I'm up less than a minute and somehow I've managed to piss you off.
Buffy: I want to hear about you and Oz, you saw him, right?
Willow: I was with him all night.
Buffy: All night? Oh my God. Wait, last night was a wolf moon, right?
Willow: Yup.
Buffy: So, either you're going to tell me something incredibly kinky, or
Willow: No kink. He didn't change, Buffy. He said he was gonna find a cure and he did. In Tibet.
Buffy: Oh my God, I can't believe it! OK, I'm all with the woo-hoo here and you're not.
Willow: No, there's woo and hoo, but there's uh-oh and why now? And it's complicated.
Buffy: Why complicated?
Willow: It's complicated... because of Tara.
Buffy: You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No, you oh. Oh. Um... Well... That's great. You know, I mean, I think Tara is a really great girl, Will.
Willow: She is. And... there's something between us. It wasn't something I was looking for. It's just powerful. And it's totally different from what Oz and I have.
Buffy: Well, there you go. I mean, you know, you have to follow your heart, Will. And that's what important, Will.
Willow: Why do you keep saying my name like that?
Buffy: Like what, Will?
Willow: Are you freaked?
Buffy: What? No, Will, don't No. No, absolutely no to that question. I'm glad you told me.
Tara: Whatever, you know, happens. I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend.
Willow: Of course, we'll be friends. That's not even a question.
Tara: But I'm saying, I know what Oz means to you.
Willow: How can you, when I'm not even sure? I mean, I know what he meant to me. But he left, and... everything changed. I changed, and then we
Tara: What?
Willow: I don't know. I just life was starting to get so good again, and... you're a big part of that. And here comes the thing I wanted most of all, and... I don't know what to do. I want to know, but I don't.
Tara: Do what makes you happy.
Adam: Scout's honor.
Spike: You were a Boy Scout?
Adam: Parts of me.
Giles: How did you get in?
Spike: The door was unlocked. You might want to watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in.
Buffy: Or, someone formerly dangerous and currently annoying.
Colonel McNamara: Tomorrow I am going to institute a court-martial to investigate the extent of your involvement with the Slayer and her band of freaks. They're anarchists, Finn. Too backwards for the real world.
Anya: Slap my hand now!
Riley: Buffy. I leave now, I can't ever come back. ... I just wanted to hear that out loud.
Oz: I shouldn't have come back now. I just thought I'd changed.
Willow: You have changed. You stopped the wolf from coming out. I saw it.
Oz: But I couldn't look at you. I mean, It turns out the one thing that brings it out of me is you. Which falls under the heading of ironic in my book.
Willow: It was my fault. I upset you.
Oz: So we're safe then, 'cause you'll never do that again. But, you're happy?
Willow:I am. I can't explain it
Oz: It may be safer for both of us if you don't.
Willow: I missed you, Oz. I wrote you so many letters... But I didn't have any place to send them, you know. I couldn't live like that.
Oz: It was stupid to think that you'd just be... waiting.
Willow: I was waiting. I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired and I turn the corner in Istanbul, and there you are. I won't be surprised... Because you're with me, you know?
Oz: I know. But now is not that time I guess.
Willow: No. What are you gonna do?
Oz: I think I better take off.
Willow: When?
Oz: Pretty much now.
Willow: Tara, I have to tell you
Tara: No, I understand. You have to be with the person that love.
Willow: I am.
Tara: You mean...
Willow: I mean. OK?
Tara: Oh, yes.
Willow: I feel horrible about everything I put you through. And I'm going to make it up to you, starting right now.
Tara: Right now? (She blows out the candle)
The Yoko Factor
Xander: Try those on. You'll feel like a new man.
Riley: Would this man have a bright red nose and big floppy feet?
Xander: It's not like I hate the guy. Just, you know, the guts part of him.
Xander: Hey, man, that's all ancient history.
Riley: She went running to L.A. to bone up on her history.
Xander: No. I'm sure it's boneless.
Spike: You know, for someone who's got Watcher on his rιsumι, you might want to cast an eye to the front door every now and again.
Tara: You still need an elective. How about... sophomore-level psychology?
Willow: Oh... kinda psyched out since Professor Walsh. Maybe something fun, like drama. I could be dramatic. You cannot have more catnip! You have a catnip problem.
Tara: Definitely drama.
Anya: Wow. That chip in your head means you can't even point a gun? How humiliating.
Xander: Doesn't work anyway. It's a fake.
Anya: Can't even point a decorative gun?
Xander: Give it up for American chipmanship.
Spike: Attitude. See how far that will take you in boot camp. Say, I hope you get one of those tough-as-nails Drill Sergeants, who's only hard on the men because he's trying to keep them alive when the bullets start flying. I love that stuff.
Xander: Boot camp? Yeah, like I'd go there.
Spike: What, you change your mind? Not gonna join?
Anya: You're joining the Army?!
Xander: OK. 1.) Ow! 2.) Where'd you get that idea? 3.) Ow! I'm not joining the Army!
Anya: Good. Stopped that nonsense just in time.
Xander: It happens that I'm good at a lot of things. I help out with all kinds of... stuff. I have skills and... stratagems... I'm very... help me out.
Anya: He's a Viking in the sack.
Anya: They look down on you.
Xander: And they hate you.
Anya: But they don't look down on me.
Spike: Hey, it was just a laugh. There's no need to go insane over it.
Xander: Is anybody talking to you?
Spike: Sir, no, sir!
Buffy: Let me guess. You thought of something else really hurtful to say, and, well, you couldn't tell me on the phone, because the funniest part is that look on my face.
Angel: You actually sleep with this guy?
Buffy: OK, stop it! OK, that's enough. I see one more display of testosterone poisoning, and I'll personally put you both in the hospital. Anybody think I'm exaggerating?
Angel: He start
Riley: Xander said
Buffy: Xander? Oh, he's the deadest man in Deadonia.
Riley: Sometimes things happen between exes, and when I saw that he was bad...
Buffy: He's... not bad.
Riley: Seriously? That's a good day? Well, there you go. Even when he's good, he's all Mr. Billowy Coat King of Pain, and girls really....
Giles: Whatever happened to Latin? At least when that made no sense, the church approved.
Giles: You never train with me anymore. He's gonna kick your ass.
Willow: Besides, when is there any us two? You two are the two who are the two. I'm the other one.
Buffy: This is stupid.
Xander: Stupid. So you finally had the guts to say it to my face.
Buffy: I didn't say you were stupid. So stop being an idiot and let me fix this.
Buffy: If I was any more open-minded about the choices you two make, my whole brain would fall out.
Willow: We have to face it, you can't handle Tara being my girlfriend.
Xander: No! It was bad before that! Since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to Tara's your girlfriend?
Giles: Bloody hell!
Primeval
Adam: The witch?
Spike: Uh, Willow. About so high, perky, good with math natural choice.
Anya: Xander! You said you wanted to check the board at the unemployment office this morning. (Looks under the covers at Xander.) You can't go like that. They won't even interview you if you're naked.
Willow: That is so annoying. It's like someone blurting out the answer to a riddle just when you've I mean, Yippee! we have the information.
Giles: Well, Spike can be very convincing when I'm very stupid.
Xander: Spike's working for Adam?! After all we've done Nah, I can't even act surprised.
Buffy: Xander!
Willow: Oh, wonderful Xander!
Buffy: You know we love you, right?
Willow: We totally do.
Xander: Oh God, we're gonna die, aren't we?
Spike: Hello? Paging Dr. Owe-me-one.
Spike: Well, then everything's alright. And we all get to be not staked through the heart. Good work, team!
Restless
Xander: Dinner is served, and my very own recipe.
Willow: Oooo, you pushed the button on the microwave that says popcorn?
Xander: Actually I pushed Defrost, but Joyce was there in a clinch.
Xander: Apocalypse Now is a gay romp. It's the feel-good movie of whatever year it was.
Xander: So whatcha been doin'? Doing spells? She does spells with Tara.
Oz: Yeah, I've heard about that.
Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell... and then I do a spell by myself.
Giles: The audience wants to find you, strip you naked, and eat you alive. So hide!
Cheese Guy: I've made a little space for the cheese slices.
Riley: Why hello, little lady. Can I hold those milk pails for you?
Harmony: Why thank you, but they're not very heavy. Why have you come to our lonely small town which has no post office and very few exports?
Riley: I've come lookin' for a man... a sales man.
Buffy: But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes, I mean you and your friends, your whole sex. Throw 'em in the sea for all I care. Throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles. Men, with your groping and spitting. All groin, no brain. Three billion of ya' passin' around the same worn out urge. Men... with your sales.
Buffy: You must have done something.
Willow: No, I never do anything. I'm very seldom naughty.
Buffy: Want some corn?
Xander: Butter flavor?
Buffy: New car smell.
Xander: Cool.
Xander: I didn't order any vampires!
Cheese Guy: These will not protect you.
Spike: Haven't you figured it all out yet with your enormous, squishy frontal lobes?
Cheese Guy: I wear the cheese, it does not wear me. Spike: Giles here is gonna teach me to be a Watcher. Says I got the stuff. Giles: Spike's like a son to me. Buffy: Like a shark. Xander: Like a shark with feet and ... much less fins. Spike: And on land! Giles: Very good! Giles: Go on, put your back into it! A Watcher scoffs at gravity.
Anya: OK. A man walks in to the office of a doctor. He's wearing on his head, um, oh wait, there's a duck, is that right?
Guy From Audience: You suck!
Anya: Quiet, you'll miss the humorous conclusion.
Anya: And then the duck tells the doctor, that there's a man that's attached to my ass! You see, it was the duck and not the man that spoke.
Giles: It's strange, it's not like anything we've faced before / It seems familiar somehow / Of course / The spell we cast with Buffy must have released some primal evil that's come back seeking / I'm not sure what / Willow, look through the chronicles for some reference to a warrior beast / I've got to warn Buffy / There's every chance she might be next / And Xander / help Willow / And try not to bleed on my couch / I've just had it steam-cleaned. No wait...
Joyce: I'm sorry dear. A mouse is playing with my knees.
Buffy: I really don't think you should live in there.
Tara: The Slayer does not walk in this world.
Buffy: I walk. I talk. I shop. I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in the desert since you moved out, and I don't sleep on a bed of bones.
Giles: Somehow our joining with Buffy and invoking the essence of the Slayer's power was an affront to the source of that power.
Buffy: You know you could have brought that up to us before we did it.
Giles: I did. I said there could be dire consequences.
Buffy: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.