|
|
Season 3
Anne
Willow: Well, we try not to get killed. That's part of our whole mission statement. 'Don't get killed.'
Oz: I don't know. I think we're kinda getting a rhythm down.
Xander: We're losing half the vamps.
Oz: Yeah, but... rhythmically.
Nurse: What are you doing?
Buffy: Breaking into your office and going through your private files.
Buffy: I don't want any trouble. I just want to be alone and quiet in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cozy. I don't even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one. Instead, I keep getting trouble, which I am more than willing to share.
Xander: You don't hide. You're bait. Go act baity.
Cordelia: What's the plan?
Xander: The vampire attacks you.
Cordelia: And then what?
Xander: The vampire kills you. We watch, we rejoice.
Buffy: You know, I just... I woke up, and I looked in the mirror, and I thought, hey, what's with all the sin? I need to change. I'm... I'm dirty. I'm, I'm bad with the... sex and the envy and that, that loud music us kids listen to nowadays. W...Oh, I just suck at undercover.
Buffy: I'm Buffy. The Vampire Slayer. And you are...?
Dead Mans Party
Xander: Whatever, we were kicking a little undead booty.
Buffy: What about home schooling? You know, it's not just for scary religious people anymore.
Oz: Well, I like it. I think you should call it Patches.
Oz: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?
Cordelia: What's the difference?
Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.
Xander: Well, I hate brie.
Cordelia: I know. It smells like Giles' cat.
Giles: It's not my...
Xander: Okay, so one vote from the Old Guy for a Smelly Cheese Night, and how many votes for actual fun, huh?
Giles: Unbelievable. 'Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead!' Americans.
Xander: Look. I'm sorry that your honey was a demon, but most girls don't hop a Greyhound over boy troubles.
Giles: Cordelia, it's me! It's me!
Cordelia: How do we know it's really you and not zombie Giles?
Giles: Cordelia, do stop being tiresome.
Cordelia: It's him.
Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared: not good.
Faith, Hope and Trick
Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog?
Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what?
Willow: Ooo, Scott Hope at eleven o'clock. He likes you. He wanted to ask you out last year, but you weren't ready then. But I think you're ready now, or at least in the state of pre-readiness to make conversation, or-or to do that thing with your mouth that boys like. Oh! I didn't mean the bad thing with your mouth, I meant that little half-smile thing that you... You're supposed to stop me when I do that.
Oz: I like when you do that.
Xander: Oh, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut.
Buffy: All right, yes, date and shop and hang out and go to school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girly stuff!
Buffy: Hello, my life, how I've missed you.
Beauty and the Beasts
Xander: Private Harris reporting for Oz watch.
Xander: Uh, no worries. I can handle the Oz Full Monty. I mean, not 'handle' handle, like 'hands to flesh' handle.
Willow: Okay. Well, it's not for you. It's for me, 'cause I'm still getting used to half a Monty.
Xander: Oh. Good. Half? You and Oz? Which half?
Willow: Wouldn't you like to know?
Faith: All men are beasts, Buffy.
Scott: Oh, well, we're not up to flowers. Are we? Up to flowers? Did I miss flowers?
Buffy: No. We're pre-posy. Definitely.
Giles: Right. It's good to see you. Um, no need to panic.
Oz: Just a thought. Poker: not your game.
Giles: How long... *exactly* did you...rest your eyes for?
Xander: A little now, uh, a little then. But I never heard Oz leave, and he was here in the morning when I, um...when I...
Giles: WOKE UP!
Xander: You could put it that way if you want to, Mr. Technical.
Buffy: Buffy Summers, reporting for sanity.
Homecoming
Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all *sweaty*.
Cordelia: They're training.
Xander: I stand by my phrase.
Buffy: I'm not talking about the Slayer. I'm talking about Buffy. You've awakened the Prom Queen within. And that crown is going to be mine.
Mr. Trick: Competition. Competition is a beautiful thing. It makes us strive. It... makes us accomplish. Occasionally, it makes us kill. We all have the desire to win. Whether we're human...vampire...and whatever the hell you are, my brother. You got them spiny-looking head things. I ain't never seen that before.
Mr. Trick: Ladies, gentlemen, spiny-headed looking creatures, welcome to SlayerFest '98!
Xander: How do I put this? Are we on first, second, or, uh... ye gods?
Willow: That's none of your business, Alexander Harris.
Oz: As Willow goes, so goes my nation.
Buffy: And I'm sure they're more important than all we've been through together, or... the number of times that I've saved your life.
Willow: What do you want?
Buffy: Fifteen minutes alone on your computer with Cordelia's database.
Willow: Okay!
Buffy: You really love Xander?
Cordelia: Well, he kinda grows on you, like... a Chia Pet.
Cordelia: Rip out my innards, play with my eyeballs, boil my brain and eat it for brunch? Listen up, needle-brain. Buffy and I have taken out four of your cronies, not to mention your girlfriend.
Lyle: WIFE!
Cordelia: Whatever. The point is, I haven't even broken a sweat. See, in the end, Buffy's just the runner-up. I'm the Queen. You get me mad, what do you think I'm gonna do to you?
Buffy: Long story.
Cordelia: Got hunted.
Buffy: Apparently not that long.
Band Candy
Angel: It's late. How'd you get away?
Buffy: Aw, it was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room. Rode out in the garbage truck.
Angel: Oh.
Buffy: I'm joking. No garbage. Smell me.
Oz: They're teenagers. It's a sobering mirror to look into, huh?
Snyder: Whoa, Summers! You drive like a spaz!
Buffy: Giles at sixteen? Less Together Guy, more Bad-Magic-Hates-The-World-Ticking-Time-Bomb Guy.
Revelations
Buffy: You can trust some guys. Really, I've read about them.
Cordelia: Excuse me? When your last steady killed half the class, and then your rebound guy sends you a dump-o-gram? It makes a girl shy.
Xander: But we're the best of Buffy's bestest buds. She'd tell us.
Buffy: Synchronized slaying.
Faith: New Olympic category?
Faith: Excuse me, Mary Poppins, but you don't seem to be listening.
Gwendolyn: The fact is, there is talk in the Council that you have become a bit too... American.
Giles: Me?
Buffy: Him?
Giles: That was bracing.
Buffy: Interesting lady. Can we kill her?
Giles: I think the Council might frown upon that.
Willow: What does he want from us, anyway?
Xander: The number of a qualified surgeon to remove the British flag from his butt?
Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?
Buffy: It was an accident!
Xander: What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?
Xander: I don't need an excuse. I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason.
Xander: Well, as long as she and Angel don't get pelvic, we'll be okay, I guess.
Buffy: Oh God.
Angel: Buffy.
Buffy: What am I doing? What are you doing?
Angel: I don't know.
Buffy: Shame on you!
Willow: Well, he saved me from a horrible flamey death. That sort of makes me like him again.
Lovers Walk
Spike: She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?
Joyce: Oh, my God. Get out of here!
Spike: Yeah. You're not invited.
Joyce: He's crazy. He'll kill us.
Spike: Not while I breathe. Well, actually, I don't breathe.
Angel: Joyce, listen to me.
Joyce: You get out of this house, or I will stake you myself.
Spike: You're a very bad man.
Angel: Joyce, you can't trust him. Invite me in. You touch her, and I'll cut your head off!
Spike: Yeah? You and what army?
Buffy: That would be me. Angel, why don't you come on in?
Oz: I really agree.
Buffy: Great. More moping. That's gonna get her back.
Spike: The spell's gonna get her back.
Angel: Lot of trouble for somebody who doesn't even care about you.
Spike: Shut your gob!
Angel: She really is just kind of fickle.
Buffy: That I'll have to agree with. You're pathetic, you know that? You're not even a loser anymore, you're a shell of a loser.
Spike: Yeah. You're one to talk.
Buffy: Meaning?
Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Spike: Oh, yeah. You're just friends.
Angel: That's right.
Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood...blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.
Xander: Gee, and we had all hoped those crazy kids would make it work.
Buffy: I violently dislike you.
The Wish
Xander: And they burst in, rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean, this is really all their fault.
Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.
Xander: Mine is much more advanced.
Angel: The Master rose. He let me live...to punish me. I kept hoping maybe you'd come. My destiny.
Buffy: Is this a get-in-my-pants thing? You guys in Sunnydale talk like I'm the Second Coming.
Willow: Isn't he gonna poof?
Buffy: I guess these guys don't. We'll have to bury him or something. Ohh, makes you appreciate vamps, though. No fuss, no muss.
Xander: Excuse me, I need to be both giving and receiving of mirth. Is it too much to ask for a little back-up?
Buffy: I'm here for you, Xand. I'm support-o-gal.
Willow: It's true - Cordelia belongs to the justified camp. She should make us pay. And pay, and pay, and pay... In fact, there's just not enough pay for what...
Xander: Look, you want to do guilt-a-palooza, fine.
Xander: Behold the beauty that is now. Who's with me?
Buffy: Actually, he's making sense. We're young and free in America. How dare we be spun by love, or the lack of same?
Willow: Absolutely. It's self-indulgent. I'm in. I'm on the joy train.
Buffy: That didn't work. Who wants chocolate?
Cordelia: What's up with you two and the leather?
Willow: Hmm, Buffy. Ooh, scary.
Xander: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts.
Amends
Angel: I bet half the kids down there are already awake. Lying in their beds... sneaking downstairs... waiting for day.
Buffy: Angel, please. I need for you to get inside. Th-there's only a few minutes left.
Angel: I know. I can smell the sunrise long before it comes.
Buffy: I don't have time to explain this. You just have to trust me. That thing that was haunting you...
Angel: It wasn't haunting me. It was showing me.
Buffy: Showing you?
Angel: What I am.
Buffy: Were.
Angel: And ever shall be. I wanted to know why I was back. Now I do.
Buffy: You don't know. Some great evil takes credit for bringing you back and you buy it? You just give up?
Angel: I can't do it again, Buffy. I can't become a killer.
Buffy: Then fight it.
Angel: It's too hard.
Buffy: Angel, please, you have to get inside.
Angel: It told me to kill you. You were in the dream. You know. It told me to lose my soul in you and become a monster again.
Buffy: I know what it told you. What does it matter?
Angel: Because I wanted to! Because I want you so badly! I want to take comfort in you, and I know it'll cost me my soul, and a part of me doesn't care.
Angel: I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man.
Buffy: You're weak. Everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this evil did bring you back, but if it did, it's because it needs you. And that means that you can hurt it. Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends. But if you die now, then all that you ever were was a monster. Angel, please, the sun is coming up!
Angel: Just go.
Buffy: I won't!
Angel: What, do you think this is simple? You think there's an easy answer? You can never understand what I've done! Now go!
Buffy: You are not staying here. I won't let you!
Angel: I said LEAVE!
Angel: Am I a thing worth saving, huh? Am I a righteous man? The world wants me gone!
Buffy: What about me? I love you so much... And I tried to make you go away... I killed you and it didn't help And I hate it! I hate that it's so hard... and that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did, because you did it to me. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. I can't.
Angel: Buffy, please. Just this once... let me be strong.
Buffy: Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together. But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn. If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, then I don't know what can. But do not expect me to watch. And don't expect me to mourn for you, because...
Gingerbread
Xander: Aw, man, it's Nazi Germany, and I've got Playboys in my locker!
Buffy: Someone with a soul did this?
Giles: Yes, I'm afraid so.
Buffy: Okay, then while you're looking for the meaning of that symbol thingy, could you also find a loophole in that 'Slayers don't kill people' rule?
Sheila: Willow, you cut off your hair. That's a new look.
Willow: Yeah, it's just a sudden whim I had--in August.
Oz: I haven't seen you all day. Where you been?
Xander: Not with me. No sir. Ask anyone. No.
Xander: Why was your mom there?
Buffy: More bad. She picked last night, of all nights, for a surprise bonding visit.
Willow: God, your mom would actually take the time to do that with you? That really wasn't the point of the story, was it?
Buffy: Is Willow around?
Xander: How can I convince you people that it's over? You assume because I'm here, she's here, that I somehow mysteriously know where she is.
Buffy: Those her books?
Xander: Yeah, she's in the bathroom.
Giles: They're confiscating my books.
Buffy: Giles, we need those books.
Giles: Believe me, I tried to tell that to the nice man with the big gun.
Giles: Ordinarily, I would say let's widen our research.
Buffy: Using what? A dictionary and My Friend Flicka?
Xander: I'm getting sick of the judgement. The innuendoes. Is a man not innocent until proven guilty?
Buffy: You are guilty. You got illicit smoochies, gonna have to pay the price.
Xander: But I'm talking about the future guilt. Look, everyone expects me to mess up again. Like Oz. I see how he is around me. You know, that steely gaze... that pointed silence.
Buffy: 'Cause he's usually such a chatterbox.
Xander: No, but it's different now. It's more a verbal nonverbal. He speaks volumes with his eyes.
Buffy: What is this?
Willow: A doodle. I do doodle. You too. You do doodle, too.
Angel: I heard about this. People are talking. People are even talking to me.
Xander: "Frisky Watchers Chat Room." Why, Giles!
Helpless
Angel: You really like it?
Buffy: Of course I do. It's sweet and thoughtful and...full of neat words to learn and say like 'wilt' and 'henceforth'.
Angel: Then why'd you seem more excited last year when you got a severed arm in a box?
Buffy: I'm sorry. Uh, it's just suddenly there's this chance that my calling's a wrong number, and... it's just freaking me out a little.
Angel: That's understandable.
Buffy: Angel, what if I have lost my power?
Angel: You lived a long time without it. You can do it again.
Buffy: I guess. But what if I can't? I've seen too much. I know what goes bump in the night. Not being able to fight it... What if I just hide under my bed, all scared and helpless? Or what if I just become pathetic? Hanging out at the old Slayer's home, talking people's ears off about my glory days, showing them Mr. Pointy, the stake I had bronzed.
Angel: Buffy, you could never be helpless or boring, not even if you tried.
Angel: I saw you before you became the Slayer.
Buffy: What?
Angel: I watched you, and I saw you called. It was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps... and I loved you.
Buffy: Why?
Angel: 'Cause I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see. And I worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe... to warm it with my own.
Buffy: That's beautiful. Or taken literally, incredibly gross.
Angel: I was just thinking that, too.
Buffy: I don't know you.
Cordelia: Did something take her memory? He's Giles. Gi-les. He hangs out here a lot.
Buffy: Cordelia, could you please drive me home?
Cordelia: Of course. But if the world doesn't end, I'm gonna need a note.
Buffy: If I was at full Slayer power, I'd be punning right about now.
Quentin: Congratulations again.
Buffy: Bite me.
Willow: Now, now when you say 'fired', do you mean 'fired'?
Xander: You're not cruising past that concept any time soon, are you?
Willow: Well, it's just... I mean, he's been fired! He's, he's unemployed! He's... between jobs.
Buffy: Giles isn't going anywhere, Will. He's still librarian.
Willow: Okay, but I'm writing an angry letter.
Buffy: You know, nothing's really gonna change. The important thing is that I kept up my special birthday tradition of gut-wrenching misery and horror.
Oz: Bright side to everything.
The Zeppo
Xander: What do you mean, what is it? It's my *thing*.
Willow: Your thing?
Xander: My thing!
Buffy: Is this a penis metaphor?
Xander: It's my thing that makes me cool. You know, that makes me unique. I'm Car Guy. Guy with the car.
Buffy: Willow, you okay?
Willow: Yeah, I'm fine. The shaking is a side effect of the fear.
Buffy: Or both. And, you know, with the pain and the death, maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be... fray-adjacent.
Xander: Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?
Faith: Yeah, that was real manly how you shrieked and all.
Xander: I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.
Buffy: Should I burn them?
Willow: I brought marshmallows! ... Occasionally, I'm callous and strange.
Buffy: If it weren't for that clouding spell...
Willow: Yeah, it went good. Nothing melted like last time.
Buffy: I don't know what to do.
Angel: Then let me decide for you. I can face this thing.
Buffy: You can't.
Angel: Look, I, I can at least buy you enough time for Willow's spell to bind it. Buffy, this is worse than anything we've ever faced. It's the only way.
Buffy: I can't watch you die again.
Angel: I love you.
Buffy: I love you.
Angel: Nothing can change that. Not even death.
Xander: But gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories, I'll never be a good reporter.
Giles: Hmm?
Xander: Jimmy Olsen jokes are pretty much gonna be lost on you, huh?
Giles: Sorry.
Jack: What are you, retarded?
Xander: No. No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything.
Xander: Why is it that I've come face-to-face with vampires, demons, the most hideous creatures hell ever spit out, and I'm still afraid of a little bully like Jack O'Toole?
Cordelia: Because, unlike all those other creatures that you've come face-to-face with, Jack actually noticed you were there.
Xander: Why am I surprised by how comforting you're not?
Xander: You're in a band. That's like a business-class ticket to cool with complimentary mojo after take-off. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?
Oz: Not the way I play it.
Xander: What do I have?
Oz: An exciting new obsession. Which I feel makes you very special.
Xander: Now with the mocking.
Buffy: Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died?
Willow: Every nightmare I had that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test, and naked.
Xander: Angel! Buddy! Friend-buddy. You want to sit and talk?
Xander: You know, it's not like I haven't helped before. I've done some quality violence for these people.
Xander: Yeah, great knife. Although I think it may technically be a sword.
Jack: She's called Katie.
Xander: You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you.
Jack: I like you.
Xander: Yay?
Bad Girls
Wesley: Why don't you tell me everything about last night's patrol.
Buffy: Vampires.
Wesley: Yes?
Buffy: Killed 'em.
Wesley: I didn't get this job because of my looks.
Buffy: I really, really believe that.
Buffy: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says please. And afterwards I get a cookie.
Giles: If it's for me to scrub those hard-to-reach areas, I'd like to request you kill me now.
Wesley: These are all the diaries then, yours included?
Giles: That's everything. Knock yourself out. Please?
Wesley: There you are.
Buffy: Ah. Speak of the really annoying person.
Mr. Trick: Why do they always gotta be using swords? It's called a Uzi, ya chump. Could have saved your ass right about now.
Willow: Give me time, and I may be the first Wiccan to do all my conjuring in pine-fresh scent.
Buffy: Okay, we got ten, maybe twelve bad guys, and one big demon in desperate need of a Stairmaster.
Buffy: I hate it when they drown me.
Wesley: Remember the three key words for any Slayer: Preparation... preparation... preparation.
Buffy: That's one word three times.
Consequences
Angel: I'm sorry about the chains. It's not that I don't trust you... Actually, it is that I don't trust you.
Angel: It's like talking to a wall. Only you get more from a wall.
Angel: But you're not a god. You're not much more than a child. Going down this path will ruin you. You can't imagine the price for true evil.
Faith: Yeah? I hope evil takes MasterCard.
Angel: You and me, Faith, we're a lot alike. Time was, I thought humans existed just to hurt each other. But then I came here. And I found out that there are other types of people. People who genuinely wanted to do right. And they make mistakes. And they fall down. You know, but they keep caring. Keep trying. If you can trust us, Faith, this can all change. You don't have to disappear into the darkness.
Wesley: What can I do? I want to help.
Buffy: You still got your ticket back to the mother country?
Doppelgangland
Anya: For a thousand years I wielded the powers of The Wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe. And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. Mortal. Child. And I'm flunking math.
Buffy: The Watchers Council shrink is heavy into tests. He's got tests for everything. T.A.T.s, Rorschach, associative logic...He even has that test to see if you're crazy that asks if you ever hear voices or you ever wanted to be a florist.
Willow: Ooo, I used to want...Wait. Florist means crazy, right? I never wanted to do that.
Willow: You think I'm boring.
Oz: I'd call that a radical interpretation of the text.
Willow: No, it's fine. I'm 'Old Reliable'.
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that, that the guy had to shoot...
Willow: That's Old Yeller.
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.
Willow: Yeah, that's me. Reliable-Dog-Geyser Person.
Willow: That, that-that wasn't just some temporal fold, that was some weird Hell place. I-I don't think you're telling me everything.
Anya: I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.
Willow: Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in Hell?
Anya: Look, we'll just try it again, and...
Willow: No! I-I think emphatically not!
Xander: Will, changing the look not an idle threat with you.
Xander: Uh... Will, this is verging on naughty touching here. Don't wanna fall back on bad habits. Hands! Hands in new places!
Buffy: Aren't you gonna introduce me to your...Holy God, you're Willow.
Giles: She was truly the finest of all of us.
Xander: Way better than me.
Giles: Much, much better.
Buffy: Willow, you're alive?
Willow: Aren't I usually?
Willow: Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?
Giles: Well, uh... something... something, um, very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watchers Council let this guy go?
Anya: What a day. Gimme a beer.
Bartender: I.D....I.D.
Anya: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a frickin' beer!
Bartender: I.D.
Anya: Gimme a Coke.
Devon: Man, we need a roadie. Other bands have roadies.
Oz: Well, other bands know more than three chords. Your professional bands can play up to six, sometimes seven completely different chords.
Devon: That's just, like, fruity jazz bands.
Angel: Why don't I believe him?
Oz: Well, he lacks credibility.
Willow: Oh, right. Me and Oz play 'Mistress of Pain' every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: Oh, yeah.
Angel: Willow's dead...Hey, Willow...Wait a second.
Xander: We're right there with you, buddy.
Buffy: Should we call Faith?
Giles: No, I don't want her in combat yet. Not around civilians.
Xander: Hear, hear.
Evil Willow: Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy.
Willow: It's horrible! That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil and... skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay.
Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
Angel: Well, actually... That's a good point.
Anya: Vampires. Always thinking with your teeth.
Xander: So, um, in your reality, I'm like this bad-ass vampire, huh? People afraid of me? Oh, yeah. I'm bad.
Enemies
Buffy: You're right, Faith would never do that.
Willow: Faith would totally do that. Faith was built to do that. She's the do-that-girl.
Buffy: Comfort, remember? Comfort here?
Willow: Please, does Angel come up to Faith's standards for a guy? Let's see, is he breathing?
Buffy: Actually, no.
Willow: Buffy... Angel. There's no way he would ever do that. You're the only thing in the world to him.
Xander: And on the day the words flimsy excuse were redefined, we stood in awe and watched.
Xander: Hidden? Are there any engravings I should know about? Frolicking nymphs of some kind?
Angel: Let me guess, you summoned back the true Angelus because you need a new boy toy.
Angel: It's good to be back in Sunnydale. Nice climate, plenty to eat, no tortured humanity to hold me down.
Angel: Thanks... so much. It's good to have the taste of a Slayer back in my mouth. It's like cigarettes, you know? Just when I thought I'd quit. No, really, don't get up.
Faith: You want to listen or you wanna die?
Angel: As long as you're there, I mostly want you to wriggle.
Mayor: Angelus, may I call you Angel?
Angel: Well, I'm thinking more along the lines of you calling me master.
Mayor: Ahh. You know Angelus, attitude may get you attention, but courtesy wins respect.
Angel: Hi Joyce. Nice to see you. Is Buffy home?
Joyce: Upstairs. Please tell me it's not some vampire thing.
Angel: The only vampire here is me Joyce. Say, did you change your hair?
Joyce: Highlights.
Angel: It's nice.
Angel: You know, I never properly thanked you for sending me to hell.
Buffy: No.
Angel: Yeah, and I'm just wondering where do I start. Card? Fruit basket? Evisceration?
Buffy: No.
Angel: I know what you're thinking. Maybe there's some good deep down inside of me that remembers and loves you, if only you could reach me. But then again, we have reality.
Angel: One thing I learned about Buffy, she's so cute when she's sleeping.
Angel: You know what I just can't believe, all of our time together and we never tried chains.
Buffy: I never knew you had so much rage in you.
Faith: What can I say, I'm the world's best actor.
Angel: Second best.
Buffy: Graduation day. You think we missed anything?
Angel: I think we know everything she knows.
Buffy: May I say something? Psych.
Willow: Graduation day. There's a big scary unfun.
Xander: Yes. I feel so much better knowing that he broke my face in a good way. It's a good bruise.
Earshot
Buffy: No mouth means no teeth...unless they have them somewhere else.
Giles: I was just filling Buffy in on my progress regarding the research of Ascension.
Wesley: Oh. And what took up the rest of the minute?
Giles: Touché.
Buffy: A part of the demon. Hope it's not the outside part.
Willow: The school paper is edging on depressing lately. Have you guys noticed that?
Oz: I don't know. I usually go straight to the obits.
Willow: What are you doing Buffy?
Buffy: Nothing...checking for horns.
Buffy: It could be claws, or scales or...what?
Willow: Was it a boy demon?
Xander: They really are very good.
Oz: Their spellings improved.
Xander: You know Oz, I look at all this beauty, all these healthy young women and I wonder why I wasted my time on Cordelia. I mean, look at her. She's no better lookin' than the rest of them.
Oz: None of them are really my...
Xander: Oh my God! He's lookin' at her. He's got his filthy adult Pierce Brosnany eyes all over my Cordy.
Oz: You're a very complex man, aren't you.
Angel: Hey. I won't let anything happen to you if I can help it. No matter what, I'll always be with you. Hey, I'll love you, even if you're covered with slime.
Buffy: I liked everything until that part.
Oz: It was intense.
Xander: Yeah, for a minute there I thought you were gonna make an expression.
Oz: Well, I felt one coming on, I won't lie.
Xander: You have no shame.
Cordelia: Oh please, like shame is something to be proud of.
Cordelia: I still have knee marks on my back... from the pyramid.
Buffy: Is this the thing? The aspect thing? Because I gotta say, if it is, it's way better than a tail. I mean, I have a hard enough time finding jeans that fit right.
Buffy: And the boys of this school are seriously disturbed.
Buffy: Ooh, sorry. Sorry about the daytime. I just ducked out of school and that's when they have it.
Angel: You don't have to play games with me Buffy. Ever.
Buffy: Well, you're not exactly Joe-Here's-What-I'm-Thinking.
Angel: So ask me.
Buffy: Oh, but that would have made sense.
Angel: Kissing her meant nothing. I don't want a bad girl. I've done that before. I've lived a long time Buffy, and I'm past that. I've been with dozens of girls like that, more.
Buffy: Oh this honesty stuff is fun.
Angel: There's no comparison. In 243 years I've loved exactly 1 person.
Buffy: Oh. It is me right?
Angel: Be careful with this gift. A lot of things that seem strong and good and powerful, they can be painful.
Buffy: Like say, immortality?
Angel: Exactly, I'm dying to get rid of that.
Buffy: Funny.
Angel: I'm a funny guy.
Xander: What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. 4 times 5 is 30. 5 times 6 is 32. Naked women. Naked girls. Naked Buffy. Oh stop me.
Buffy: God Xander! Is that all you think about?
Xander: Actually...bye!
Oz: I'm gonna follow the redhead.
Xander: See, I've been saying for years that the lunch lady is going to do us all in with that Mulligan Stew. I mean, what the hell is a Mulligan?
Xander: Yeah, I mean who hasn't idly thought of taking out the place with a semi-automatic...I said idly.
Xander: I'm still having trouble with the that one of us is just going to gun everybody down for no reason.
Cordelia: Yeah, because that never happens in American high schools.
Oz: It's bordering on trendy at this point.
Buffy: You had sex with Giles! You had sex with Giles!
Joyce: It was the candy. We were teenagers.
Buffy: On the hood of a police car!?
Joyce: I'll be downstairs. You feel better.
Buffy: Twice!
Willow: Talk to everyone on your list. And use the sample questions...today people!
Cordelia: Hi Mr. Beach. I was just wondering, were you planning on killing a bunch of people tomorrow. Oh, it's for the yearbook.
Larry: Man, I'm out. I'm so out I've got my grandma fixing me up with guys.
Oz: Dingoes Ate My Baby played their instruments as if they had plump polish sausages taped to their fingers.
Freddy: Sorry man.
Oz: No, it's fair.
Buffy: You know what, I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle.
Willow: So, you feelin' better about Angel?
Buffy: Well, we talked, and then he ripped out the heart of a demon and fed it to me and then we talked some more.
Willow: See, that's how it should work.
Buffy: Well, it's nice to help someone in a non-slaying capacity. Except, he's starting to get that look you know, like hes gonna ask me to Prom.
Giles: Well, it'd probably be good for his self-esteem if you
Buffy: What am I, Saint Buffy? He's like 3 feet tall!
Giles: Feel up to some training?
Buffy: Sure, we could work-out after school, you know, if you're not too busy having sex with my mother!
[Giles walks into a tree.]
Choices
Buffy: Do you get the feeling that we're kind of in a rut?
Angel: Rut?
Buffy: You never take me anyplace new.
Angel: What about that fire-demon nest in the cave by the beach? Thought that was a nice change of pace.
Buffy: So this is our future? I mean, this is how we're gonna spend our nights when I'm 50 and you're... the same age you are now?
Angel: Let's just get you to 50.
Buffy: Liking that plan.
Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.
Xander: But, oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.
Buffy: I just can't decide on a school right now. I mean... I want to sleep on it, you know, mull it over. Raise 'em up my inner flagpole, see which one I salute.
Buffy: Faith's turn to the dark side of the Force pretty much put the proverbial kibosh on any away plans for me.
Xander: Kerouac. He's my teacher. The open road, my school.
Buffy: Making the open dumpster your cafeteria?
Xander: Go ahead, mock me.
Oz: I think she just did.
Xander: We bohemian, anti-establishment types have always been persecuted.
Oz: Well, sure, you're all so weird.
Snyder: Okay, what's in the bag?
Student: My lunch.
Snyder: Is that the new drug lingo?
Student: No, it's my lunch.
Snyder: Sit up straight.
Buffy: You, I can't believe you got into Oxford.
Willow: It's pretty exciting.
Oz: That's some deep academia there.
Buffy: There's where they make Gileses.
Willow: I know. I can learn and have scones.
Wesley: I don't understand.
Buffy: Well, I don't think I can talk any slower, Wes.
Wesley: But you're a Slayer.
Buffy: Yeah, I'm also a person. You can't just define me by my Slayerness. That's... something-ism.
Wesley: All right, everyone. Monsters, demons, world in peril?
Buffy: I'll betcha they have all that stuff in Illinois.
Wesley: You cannot leave Sunnydale! With the power invested in me by the Council, I forbid it.
Giles: Oh, yes, that should settle it.
Faith: What are you, the narrator?
Buffy: Unfortunately, that's all I could get out of my informant before his aggressive tendencies forced me to introduce him to Mr. Pointy.
Xander: I need a volunteer to hit Wesley.
Wesley: This is the town's best hope of survival. It's your chance to get out.
Buffy: You think I care about that? Are you made of human parts?
Vampire: What are you doing?
Willow: I'm looking for a sucking candy. 'Cause my mouth gets dry when I'm nervous, or held prisoner against my will. And suddenly I'm thinking "sucking" isn't a good word to use around vampires. Hey! Did you get permission to eat the hostage? I don't think so.
Willow: So Faith was like, "I'm gonna beat you up," and I'm all, "I'm not afraid of you." And then she had the knife, which was less fun.
Buffy: This is your night for suave, Will. You should get captured more often.
Willow: What do you mean, I can't?
Buffy: I won't let you.
Willow: Of the two people here, which is the boss of me?
Buffy: I feel the need for more sugar than the human body can handle.
Willow: Mochas?
Buffy: Yes, please.
Mayor Wilkins: She's pretty, Angel. A little skinny. Still don't understand why it couldn't work out with you and my Faith. I guess you kinda just have strange tastes in women.
Angel: Yeah, well, what can I say? I like 'em sane.
Buffy: I don't know what the Mayor was talking about. How could he know anything about us?
Angel: Well, he's evil.
Buffy: Big time. He doesn't even know what a lasting relationship is. Probably the only lasting relationship he's ever had was... with...evil.
Angel: Yeah.
Buffy: Stupid evil guy. We'll be okay.
The Prom
Angel: The prom?
Buffy: End of high school, rite of passage thingy. Think cotillion with spiked punch and the electric slide.
Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.
Anya: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species. And I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why are you talking to me?
Anya: I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well, gosh. I wonder why not? It couldn't have anything to do with your sales pitch.
Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.
Xander: Be still my heart. Oh wait, it is. How come I got the short straw?
Buffy: I always say that a patrol's not complete without a trip to the stinking sewers.
Angel: I'm sure I saw him come down here.
Buffy: Couldn't we just let this be the vamp that got away? We can say he was this big.
Angel: What can I say? I need closure.
Buffy: I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do it.
Xander: Yay?
Jonathan: We have one more award to give out. Is Buffy Summers here tonight? Did she....um...This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there were a lot of write in ballots and the prom committee asked me to read this. "We're not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you. But that doesn't mean we haven't noticed you. We don't talk about it much, but it's no secret that Sunnydale High isn't really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here."
Student: Zombies!
Student: Hyena people!
Student: Snyder!
Jonathan: "But whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you. Or helped by you at one time or another. We're proud to say that the class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history. And we know that at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class offers its thanks and gives you, uh... this." It's from all of us. And it has written here, Buffy Summers, Class Protector.
Graduation Parts 1 and 2
Angel: Ow.
Buffy: Stealthy.
Angel: Not my best entrance. I think they were mopping in the halls.
Anya: Men like sports. I'm sure of it.
Xander: Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and they enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?
Angel: Are you mad at me for being around too much or for not being around enough.
Buffy: Duh. Yes.
Angel: Which?
Buffy: What?
Cordelia: What's her saga?
Xander: She's freaking.
Cordelia: About what?
Xander: The Mayor's gonna kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh. Are you gonna go to fifth period?
Xander: I'm thinking I might skip it.
Cordelia: Yeah, me too.
Wesley: Buffy, they're very firm. We're talking about laws that have existed longer than civilization.
Buffy: I'm talking about watching my lover die. I don't have a clue what you're talking about and I don't care.
Wesley: The Council's orders are to concentrate on...
Buffy: Orders? I don't think I'm gonna be taking any more orders. Not from you. Not from them.
Wesley: You can't turn your back on the Council.
Buffy: They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing.
Wesley: Giles, talk to her.
Giles: I've nothing to say right now.
Buffy: Wesley, go back to your Council and tell them until the next Slayer comes along, they can close up shop. I'm not working for them anymore.
Wesley: Don't you see what's happening? Faith poisoned Angel to distract you, to keep you out of the Mayor's way and it's working. We need a strategy.
Buffy: I have a strategy. You're not in it.
Wesley: This is mutiny.
Buffy: I like to think of it as graduation.
Xander: Here's your coffee. Brewed from the finest Colombian lighter fluid.
Giles: Horrible.
Xander: Aren't you supposed to be drinking tea anyway?
Giles: Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense.
Xander: Okay, but your destroying a perfectly good cultural stereotype here.
Oz: Any change?
Willow: He's delirious. He thought I was Buffy.
Oz: You too, huh?
Xander: Well. It's just good to know that when the chips are down and things look grim, you'll feed off the girl who loves you to save your own ass.
Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.
Cordelia: I stand corrected.
Oz: Just keeping things in perspective.
Cordelia: Thank you.
Buffy: I'm gonna need every single on of you on board. Especially you, Xander. You're sorta the key figure here.
Xander: Key? Me? Okay, pride. Humility. And here's the mind numbing fear.
Buffy: Faith told me to play on his human weakness.
Willow: Faith told you? Is that before or after you put her in a coma?
Buffy: After.
Willow: Oh.
Buffy: Yeah, it does. You and Xander are going to have to work together now. Can you guys handle that?
Xander: I'm still 'Key' guy, right?
Buffy: Right.
Xander: Great. Then Angel, in non-'Key' guy capacity, can work with me.
Angel: What fun.
Xander: Hey! 'Key' guy still talking.
Buffy: Oh good. That's it. Start bickering. That'll look great for us. You guys are like little old ladies.
Buffy: My God. He's gonna do the entire speech.
Willow: Man, just ascend already.
Buffy: Evil.
Buffy: Fire bad, tree pretty.
Cordelia: Well, that was the most fun you could have without having any fun.
Willow: What about the part where we kicked some demon ass? I didn't hate that.
Buffy: If someone could just wake me when it's time to go to college, that'd be great.