Season 2

When she was bad

Xander: You're Amish! You can't fight back... 'cause you're Amish! I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy!

Xander: Yo! G-man! What's up?
Giles: Nice to see you. And don't ever call me that.

Xander: Which means we're still the undead's favourite party town.

Buffy: Peachy. So, is this a social call? It is kinda late. Or, well, it is for me, anyway. What is it for you, lunch hour?
Angel: It's not a social call.
Buffy: Ah. So, lemme guess. That means grave danger. Gosh, it's good to be home.
Angel: I'm sorry. I wish I had better news.
Buffy: So, some of your cousins are in town for a family barbecue, and we're all on the menu!

Willow: Angel stopped by? Wow. Was there... Well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing?
Buffy: Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.
Xander: Yeah. Some stuff's about groping.

Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good.

Buffy: Hi.
Angel: Hi.
Buffy: So, is there danger at the Bronze? Should I beware?
Angel: I can't help thinking I've done something to make you angry. And that bothers me more than I'd like.
Buffy: I'm not angry. I don't know where that comes from.
Angel: What are you afraid of? Me? Us?
Buffy: Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no 'us'. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living.

Cordelia: Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?

Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.

Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me?........ She's possessed.

Willow: That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A bitca?

Buffy: This is Cordelia's. 'Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal.'
Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner? I'll pretend I didn't say that.

Willow: Well, what about the rest of the note?
Buffy: What rest of the note?
Willow: The part that says, 'P.S. This is a trap'?

Buffy: You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term? Should I say 'undead American'?

Xander: What are you gonna do?
Buffy: I'm gonna kill them all. That oughta distract them.


Buffy: I can't! What am I supposed say? "Sorry I almost got your throat slit. What's the homework?"
Giles: Punishing yourself like this is pointless.
Buffy: It's entirely pointy. I was a moron. I put my best friends in mortal danger on the second day of school.
Giles: What are you gonna do? Crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life?
Buffy: Would it have cable?

Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.

Some Assembly Required

Buffy: Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or... yodel.

Buffy: Nope. Why? Are you jealous?
Angel: Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid.
Buffy: Is it 'cause I danced with him?
Angel: 'Danced with' is a pretty loose term. 'Mated with' might be a little closer.
Buffy: Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success.
Angel: I am not jealous.
Buffy: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?
Angel: See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing.

Eric: Cordelia's so fine. Y'know, she'd be just perfect for us.
Chris: Don't be an idiot. She's alive.

Willow: This shouldn't take long. I'm probably the only girl in school who has the coroner's office bookmarked as a favorite place.

Xander: So, we dig up some graves tonight?
Willow: Oh, boy! A field trip! Are you gonna call Angel?
Buffy: I don't think so.
Xander: Yeah, why bother him, huh?
Buffy: Angel and I have been, um...Never mind. As far as Angel's concerned, I'm taking the night off, okay?
Xander: So, we're set then. Say, nineish? BYO shovel?
Willow: And I'll pack some food. Who else likes those little powdered donuts?
Xander: Me.

Willow: Love makes you do the wacky.
Buffy: That's the truth.

Xander: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.
Giles: Here, here.
Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.

Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts,
they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
Xander: Karma!

Xander: How about that? I always pegged him as a one-woman vampire.

School Hard

Willow: She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once I was lookout for her.
Xander: You're bad to the bone.
Willow: I'm a rebel.

Spike: If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock.

Spike: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson, and I spent the next six hours watchin' my hand move.

Jenny: The Order never accurately calculated the Mesopotamian Calendar. Rupert, you have got to read something that was published after 1066.
Giles: Very funny.

Xander: And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune.

Snyder: You wouldn't be helping Buffy in Sheila's place, would you?
Xander: No.
Willow: We're hindering.

Xander: Guys, I'm all alone out there. Somebody has to dance with me.
Willow: Well, we are studying.
Xander: C'mon, one dance. You've been studying nearly twelve minutes.
Buffy: No wonder my brain's fried.

Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show.
Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going.
Buffy: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?

Xander: Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy.

Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. Tsk, tsk, tsk. You should have someone out there.
Spike: I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?
Angel: Everything.
Spike: Yeah. Come up against this Slayer yet?
Angel: She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave the puppy dog 'I'm all tortured' act. Keeps her off my back when I feed.
Spike: People still fall for that Anne Rice routine. What a world!
Xander: I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.

Spike: You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!
Angel: Things change.
Spike: Not us! Not demons! Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom!

Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.
Angel: What?
Buffy: Crazy stuff.
Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being jealous of a high school junior?

Inca Mummy Girl

Xander: My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?

Xander: Hold on a sec. So, this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man. With man parts. This is a terrible idea.
Willow: What about the beautiful melding of two cultures?
Xander: There's no melding, okay? He better keep his parts to himself.

Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.
Xander: Yeah. I'm irrational that way.

Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?
Xander: The important thing is you believe that.

Buffy: Just this once I'd like to be the Overlooked One.

Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, bity blah, I'm so stuffy, gimme a scone.

Willow: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke.
Xander: For twenty-one hours?
Willow: It's addictive, you know.

Buffy: One day I'm gonna live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying.

Xander: Oh, yeah. Fall for the old 'let me translate that ancient seal for ya' come on. Tsh. D'ya know how many times I've used that?

Willow: So, Ampata. You're a girl.
Ampata: Yes. For many years now.

Reptile boy

Willow: I know! We could go to the Bronze and sneak in our own tea bags and ask for hot water.
Xander: Hop off the outlaw train, Will, before you land us all in jail.

Buffy: No. I think you don't know what it's like to be sixteen. And a girl. And the Slayer.

Buffy: Or what it's like to have to stake vampires while you're having fuzzy feelings towards one?
Giles: Uh...
Buffy: Digging on the undead doesn't exactly do wonders for your social life.

Buffy: Angel showed up. He could smell it.
Xander: The blood? There's a guy you wanna party with.

Xander: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?

Xander: So, Cor, you printing up business cards with your pager number and hours of operation, or just going with a halter top tonight?

Willow: I can't believe she lied to Giles. My world is all askew.
Xander: Buffy's lying, Buffy's going to frat parties... That's not askew, that's cockeyed.
Willow: Askew means cockeyed.

Tom: No. We're not all a bunch of drunken louts. Some of us are sober louts.

Willow: Oh! Sorry. The reflection thing that you don't have. Angel, how do you shave?

Halloween

Willow: Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz.

Drusilla: Do you love my insides? The parts you can't see?
Spike: Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet.

Buffy: Cool! I can't wait for the boys to go non-verbal when they see you!

Xander: Private Harris reporting for... Buffy! Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe! I completely renounce spandex!

Cordelia: Is Mr. I'm-the-lead-singer-I'm-so-great-I-don't-have-to-show- up-for-my-date-or-even-call gonna be there?
Oz: Yeah, you know, he's just going by 'Devon' now.

Willow: She couldn't've dressed up like Xena?

Xander: Big noise scare monster, remember?

Lie to me

Buffy: So. What'd you do last night?
Angel: Nothin'.
Buffy: Nothing at all. You ceased to exist?

Ford: Oh. I thought you were just slaying a vampire.
Buffy: What? Whatting a what?

Angel: I-if this is a bad time, I...
Willow: No! I just... I'm not supposed to have boys in my room.
Angel: I promise to behave myself.
Willow: Okay. Good.

Angel: I guess I need help.
Willow: Help? You mean like on homework? No, 'cause you're old and you already know stuff.
Angel: I want you to track someone down. On the Net.
Willow: Oh! Great! I'm so the Net girl.

Willow: Uh, Angel? If I say something you really don't wanna hear, do you promise not to bite me?
Angel: Are you gonna tell me that I'm jealous?
Willow: Well, you do sometimes get that way.
Angel: You know, I never used to. Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feelin' guilty... I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along. Yeah, I get jealous. But I know people. And my gut tells me this is a wrong guy.

Buffy: Okay, Will, fess up.
Willow: What?
Buffy: Are you drinking coffee again? 'Cause we've talked about this.

Giles: You are not, by any chance, betraying your secret identity just to impress, um, cute boys, are you?

Xander: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with Dead Boy on this one.
Angel: Could you not call me that?

Xander: Are you probably noticing a theme here?
Willow: As in 'Vampires! Yay!'?

Willow: The Lonely Ones?
Angel: Vampires.
Xander: Oh! We usually call them the nasty, pointy, bitey ones.

The Dark Age

Buffy: It's not noise! It's music!
Giles: I know music. Music has notes. This is noise.
Buffy: I'm aerobicising! I must have a beat!
Giles: Wonderful. You work on your muscle tone while my brain dribbles out of my ears.

Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.

Giles: Um, a medical transport is delivering the monthly supply of blood to the hospital.
Buffy: Mm. Vampire Meals-On-Wheels.

Giles: Hopefully not. Uh, we'll meet outside the hospital at 8:30 sharp. I'll bring the weaponry.
Buffy: I'll bring the party mix!

Xander: Oooh, gang, did ya hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery, and it's my best day ever!

Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a fuddy-duddy?
Giles: Nobody ever seems to tell me anything else.
Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a sexy fuddy-duddy?
Giles: Well, no. Actually that, that part usually gets left out.

Buffy: How did you know about this?
Angel: It's delivery day. Everybody knows about this.

Angel: Maybe he's late.
Buffy: Giles? Who counts tardiness as, like, the eighth deadly sin?

Xander: Yep, yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flying. Were there whores?

Cordelia: I'm gonna be in therapy till I'm thirty.

Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?
Xander: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath? Nah.

Xander: Okay! Giles and orgies in the same sentence. I coulda lived without that one.

What's my line? Parts 1 &2

Xander: 'Are you a people person, or do you prefer keeping your own company?' Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?
Buffy: So, mark 'none of the above'.
Xander: Well, there are no boxes for 'none of the above'. That would introduce too many variables into their mushroom head, number-crunching little world.

Angel: Buffy! You scared me.
Buffy: Now you know what it feels like, Stealth Guy.

Buffy: Uh, we're having this thing at school.
Angel: Career week?
Buffy: How did you know?
Angel: I lurk.

Buffy: The Cliff Notes version? I want a normal life. Like I had before.
Angel: Before me.
Buffy: No, Angel, it's not you. You're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to me. I just get messed sometimes. I wish we could be regular kids.
Angel: Yeah. I'll never be a kid.
Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.

Willow: You and Angel are going skating? Alone?
Buffy: Unless some unforeseen evil pops up. But I'm in full 'see no evil' mode.
Willow: Angel ice-skating.
Buffy: I know. Two worlds collide.

Buffy: Note to self: religion: freaky.

Xander: So, why go to all the trouble of inventing something, and then giving it a weak name like that? I mean, I'da gone with 'The Cross-o- matic', or, uh, 'The Amazing Mr. Cross'.

Buffy: The Hellmouth presents: Dead Guys On Ice. Not exactly the evening we were aiming for.
Angel: You're in danger. You know what the ring means?
Buffy: I just killed a Super Bowl champ?

Xander: No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone.

Angel: Sure you are, Willy. And I'm taking up sunbathing.

Kendra: She died?
Buffy: Just a little.

Willy: What are you gonna do with him anyway?
Spike: I'm thinkin' maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know.

Buffy: I don't take orders. I do things my way.
Kendra: No wonder you died.

Willow: There's a Slayer handbook?
Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?
Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool...

Ted

Buffy: Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?
Angel: Kiss me.
Buffy: Finally, something I wanna do!

Buffy: Can you say 'sucking chest wound'?

Joyce: Just nothing with horror in it. Or romance. Or men.
Buffy: I guess we're 'Thelma and Louise-ing it again.

Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.
Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
Xander: Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

Bad Eggs

Xander: You know what? This would work a lot better for me if you didn't talk.
Cordelia: Well, it'd work a lot better for me with the lights off.

Mr. Whitmore: S-E-X. Sex. The sex drive in the human animal is intense. How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?
Xander: Yes! Mm-hm.
Mr. Whitmore: That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll.

Xander: Well, you know, it's the whole 'sex leads to responsibility' thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg. It's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
Willow: My egg is Jewish.
Xander: Then teach it that Dreidel song.

Buffy: I can't do this! I can't take care of things! I killed my Giga Pet. Literally, I sat on it and it broke.

Xander: Nuff said! I propose Buffy slays 'em. All in favor?
Willow: Aye!

Willow: Hey, maybe you can have Angel help you find the Gorches.
Giles: Yes! Yes, yes, that's not a bad idea. Strength in numbers.
Xander: Oh, right. I see a lotta hunting getting done in that scenario.
Buffy: Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up!

Tector: That the Slayer?
Lyle: Yep.
Tector: Ain't that Angelus with her?
Lyle: Yep.
Tector: Well, how come she ain't slayin'? And how come he's about to make me blush?

Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You... Angel... big... smoochies?
Buffy: Shut... up.

Xander: Which is another secret to conscientious egg care: pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.
Willow: You boiled your young?

Buffy: Oh. That's okay, um... I figured there were all sorts of things vampires couldn't do. You know, like work for the Telephone Company, or volunteer for the Red Cross, or... have little vampires.

Angel: So you don't think about the future?
Buffy: No.
Angel: Never?
Buffy: No.
Angel: You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?
Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you! All I want is you.
Angel: I know the feeling.

Xander: Can I just say Gyughhh!
Buffy: I see your 'Gyughhh!' and raise you a Nyggahhh!

Surprise

Buffy: You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please. My boyfriend had a bicentennial.

Willow: Well, what if the talking thing becomes the awkward-silence thing?

Oz: Oh, no. Practice. See, our band's kinda moving towards this new sound where... we suck, so... practice.

Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.
Willow: Oh. Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say yes.
Oz: Yeah, it helps. It-it creates a comfort zone. Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?
Willow: Oh! I can't!
Oz: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.
Willow: Oh, it's just it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party.
Oz: It's okay.
Willow: But you could come. If you want to.
Oz: Well, I don't wanna crash.
Willow: No, it's fine! Well, you could be m... my date.
Oz: All right. I'm in.

Xander: You know what? 'Nuff said. Forget it. It must've been my multiple-personality guy talking. I call him Idiot Jed, glutton for punishment.

Xander: You coulda just said, 'shh!' God, are all you Brits such drama queens? Buffy, I feel a pre-birthday spanking coming on.
Jenny: I'd curb that impulse if I were you, Xander.

Drusilla: This will be the best party ever.
Spike: Why is that?
Drusilla: Because...It will be the last.

Xander: You ground his bones to make your bread.
Buffy: That's true. Except for the bread part.

Xander: Well, that's not a perky birthday puppy.
Willow: So much for our surprise party. I bought little hats and everything.
Xander: Mm-hm.
Willow: Oh, well. I guess I'll tell Cordelia.
Giles: No, you won't. We're having a party tonight.
Xander: Looks like Mr. Caution Man, but the sound he makes is funny.


Oz: Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?
Willow: Uh, well, uh... sort of.
Xander: Yep. Vampires are real. A lot of them live in Sunnydale. Willow will fill you in.
Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.

Innocence

Drusilla: I'm naming all the stars.
Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also, it's day.

Drusilla: Psst. We're going to destroy the world. Want to come?
Angelus: Yeah. Destroying the world. Great. I'm really more interested in the Slayer.
Spike: Well, she's in the world, so that should work out.

Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not 'knew it' in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much. It's not natural!
Xander: I know it's weird...
Willow: Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's Cordelia! Remember? The, the 'We Hate Cordelia' club, of which you are the treasurer.

Xander: Look, I was gonna tell you.
Willow: Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?

Willow: Let's get this straight. I don't understand it, I don't wanna understand it, you have gross emotional problems, and things are not okay between us. But what's happening right now is more important than that.

Xander: Whoa. Whoa! I... I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan...Now I'm having a wiggins.

Angelus: Well, it's not really the kind of message you tell. It sort of involves finding the bodies of all your friends.

Angelus: Your boyfriend is dead. You're all gonna join him.
Buffy: Leave Willow alone, and deal with me.
Angelus: But she's so cute and helpless. Really a turn-on.

Spike: Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we still do kill people. Sort of our raison d'etre, you know.

Angelus: Spike, my boy, you really don't get it! Do you? You tried to kill her, but you couldn't. Look at you. You're a wreck! She's stronger than any Slayer you've ever faced. Force won't get it done. You gotta work from the inside. To kill this girl... you have to love her.

Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.

Phases

Willow: It is nice. He's great. We have a lot of fun. But I want smoochies!
Buffy: Have you dropped any hints?
Willow: I've dropped anvils.

Buffy: Well, none of them know a thing. They all get an 'F' in Willow.
Willow: But I want Oz to get an 'A', and, oh, one of those gold stars.

Willow: Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah, 1- 800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.
Buffy: Meow!
Willow: Really? Thanks. I've never gotten a 'meow' before.
Buffy: Well deserved.

Giles: Meaning the accepted legend that werewolves only prowl during a full moon might be erroneous.
Cordelia: Or it could be a crock.

Cordelia: I think you splashed on just a little too much 'Obsession For Dorks'.

Willow: Don't forget, you're supposed to be a meek little girlie-girl like the rest of us.
Buffy: Spoil my fun.

Giles: Quite. And it, uh, acts on-on pure instinct. No conscience, uh, uh, predatory and, and aggressive.
Buffy: In other words, your typical male.
Xander: On behalf of my gender, hey!

Giles: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.
Buffy: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.

Cordelia: What's he waiting for? What's his problem? Oh, that's right, he's a guy.
Willow: Yeah, him and Xander. Guys.
Cordelia: Who do they think they are?
Willow: A couple of guys.

Oz: Aunt Maureen. Hey, it's me. Um, what? Oh! It's, uh... actually it's healing okay. That's pretty much the reason I called. Um, I wanted to ask you something. Is Jordy a werewolf? Uh-huh. And how long has that been going on? Uh-huh. What? No, no reason. Um... Thanks. Yeah, love to Uncle Ken.

Willow: On account of once you were a hyena?
Xander: I know what it's like to crave the taste of freshly killed meat, to be taken over by those uncontrollable urges.
Buffy: You said you didn't remember anything about that.

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

Angelus: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.
Angelus: Lacks... poetry.
Spike: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?

Cordelia: Your clothes... You look so good.
Xander: Oh. I let Buffy dress me. Well, not physically.

Xander: Yeah! Okay... Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?

Buffy: Yeah. We can comfort each other.
Xander: Well, would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause I find that very comforting.
Buffy: Play your cards right...
Xander: Okay, uh... You do know that I'm Xander, right?

Giles: I cannot believe that you are fool enough to do something like this!
Xander: Oh, no, I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this.

Passion

Xander: A visit from the pointed-tooth fairy.

Xander: Ya know, I think there may be a valuable lesson for you gals here about inviting strange men into your bedrooms.

Buffy: Giles, there has to be some sort of spell to reverse the invitation, right? Like a barrier, a no shoes, no pulse, no service kind of thing?

Xander: Does this look like a Barnes & Noble?
Giles: This is a school library, Xander.
Xander: Since when?

Giles: Yes, Xander, once more you've managed to boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form.

Xander: Watcher's pet.

Buffy: Willow, I thought I might take in a class. Figured I could use someone who knows where they are.

Giles: Uh, since Angel lost his soul, he's regained his sense of whimsy.

Willow: I swear, men can be such jerks sometimes. Dead or alive.

Angelus: Well, maybe next time I'll bring you with me, Spike. Might be handy to have you around if I ever need a really good parking space.

Willow: We had kind of a 'pajama party sleepover with weapons' thing.
Xander: Oh. And I don't suppose either of you had the presence of mind to locate a camera to capture the moment.

Willow: Ira Rosenberg's only daughter nailing crucifixes to her bedroom wall? I have to go over to Xander's house just to watch 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' every year.

Angelus: It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank...Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

Killed by Death

Xander: Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes! I gotta get me a life!

Buffy: No, I feel fine. I mean, I'm... the world's spinning a little bit, but I like it, it's kinda like a ride.

Cordelia: We're all concerned about how gross you look.

Xander: Take a walk, overbite.

Xander: She fell.
Willow: The flu.
Cordelia: She fainted.
Xander: The flu, fainted and fell. She's sick, make it better!

Buffy: Hey. Here we are. It's all of we. Are we taking me home?
Dr. Wilkinson: No. Buffy, you need to lie down, honey.
Buffy: Yeah? Lie at home. My bed is better than any bed that's... not my bed.

Buffy: Shhh! Hospital zone. No singing.

Xander: Visiting hours are over.
Angelus: Well, I'm pretty much family.
Xander: Yeah. Why don't you come back during the day? Oh, gee, no, I guess you can't.
Angelus: If I decide to walk into Buffy's room, do you think for one microsecond that you could stop me?
Xander: Maybe not. Maybe that security guard couldn't either. Or those cops... or the orderlies... But I'm kinda curious to find out. You game?
Angelus: Buffy's White Knight. You still love her. It must just eat you up that I got there first.
Xander: You're gonna die. And I'm gonna be there.

Xander: Flowers for milady.
Buffy: I think they call them balloons.
Xander: Yeah, stick 'em in water, maybe they'll grow.

Buffy: Homework!
Willow: It's my way of saying ‘get well soon’.
Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.
Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.
Buffy: Chocolate means nothing to me.

Giles: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?
Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.

Cordelia: Oh, right. Your obsession with protecting Buffy. Have I told you how attractive that's not?
Xander: Cordelia, someone's gotta watch her back.
Cordelia: Yeah, well, I've seen you watch her back.
Xander: What is that supposed to mean?
Cordelia: Well, I was using the phrase 'watch her back' as a euphemism for 'looking at her butt.' You know, sort of a pun.

Buffy: 'Cause I'm not well. Uh, I feel all oogy.
Xander: Increased ooginess. That's a danger signal.

I only have eyes for you

Xander: Something weird is going on. Isn't that our school motto?

Xander: Oh, no, no. No. No cool. This was no wimpy chain rattler. This was 'I'm dead as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore.'
Giles: Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.
Xander: I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning.

Buffy: Fabulous. Now we're Dr. Laura for the deceased.

Spike: Well, our old place was just fine till you went and had it burned down.
Angelus: Things change, Spikey. You gotta roll with the punches. Well, actually, you pretty much got that part down, haven't you?
Spike: Very funny, mate.
Angelus: What can I say? I just love to see you smile, buddy.

Xander: I know. He's usually Investigate-Things-From-Every-Boring-Angle Guy. Now he's I-Cling-Onto-My-One-Lame-Idea Guy. What gives?

Xander: Your dreams are getting wicked accurate, Buff. You wouldn't happen to see me coming across some big cash? Or possibly knowing the love of a woman? In a full body sense?

Go Fish

Xander: It's officially nippy. So say my nips.

Cordelia: It's about time our school excelled at something.
Willow: Hmm. You're forgetting our high mortality rate.

Xander: That's wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn our D's.

Xander: And what about that nutty 'all men are created equal' thing?
Cordelia: Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.
Xander: I think that was Lincoln.
Cordelia: Disgusting mole and stupid hat.
Willow: Actually, it was Jefferson.
Cordelia: Kept slaves. Remember?

Cameron: Relax, I'm not going to hurt you.
Buffy: Oh, it's not me I'm worried about.

Buffy: So I'm treated like the baddie, just because he has a sprained wrist and a bloody nose... and I don't have a scratch on me... which, granted, hurts my case a little, on the surface...

Xander: In other words, this was no boating accident.
Buffy: So something ripped him open and ate out his insides?
Willow: Like an Oreo Cookie. Well, except for, you know, without the chocolatey cookie goodness.

Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol?...You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh.

Xander: Well, it was dark! And the thing went through the window so quick, and I was a... little shocked when I saw it, and...
Cordelia: Go ahead. Say it. You ran like a woman.

Cordelia: God, this is so sad. We're never gonna win the state championship. I think I've lost all will to cheerlead.
Xander: Raise your hand if you feel her pain.

Buffy: You should question him.
Willow: Really? Me? I'll crack him like an egg.

Cordelia: Well, you could go out to the parking lot and practice running like a man.

Buffy: I'm a swim groupie. Oh, yeah, you know, there's just something about the smell of chlorine on a guy. Oh, baby.

Buffy: Obviously, my sex appeal is on the fritz today...

Becoming Parts 1 & 2

Willow: It was only metaphor blood.
Oz: I think you'd sweat cute blood.

Cordelia: I think it's great to do that before you go out and fail in the real world. That way you're not falling back on something. You're falling... well, forward.
Xander: And almost sixty-five percent of that was actual compliment. Is that a personal best?

Snyder: That's enough of that. And you! Are we having a chair shortage?
Willow: I didn't read anything about... Oh. I get it.

Snyder: These public displays of affection are not acceptable in my school. This isn't an orgy, people. It's a classroom.
Buffy: Yeah! Where they teach lunch.

Cordelia: How about because you're a tiny, impotent Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu?
Buffy: Sums it up.

Angelus: You can see all that in your head?
Spike: No, you ninny. She read it in the morning paper.

Buffy: This feels kinda morbid.
Willow: I've gone through most of her files already.
Buffy: Does that make it less morbid or you really morbid?

Willow: And I don't want danger. Big 'no' to danger.

Buffy: Well, I'll do a couple of sweeps, and then I'll stop by. Yeah, Xander was pretty much being a... Willow! Where did you learn that word? My God. You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Spike: It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.

Angelus: Acathla the demon came forth to swallow the world. He was killed by a virtuous knight who pierced the demon's heart before he could draw a breath to perform the act. Acathla turned to stone, as demons sometimes do, and was buried where neither man nor demon would want to look. Unless of course they're putting up low-rent housing.

Spike: Mmm. The demon wakes up, and wackiness ensues.

Angelus: My friends... we're about to make history... end.

Willow: Okay, somebody explain the whole 'he will suck the world into Hell' thing, because that's the part I'm not loving.

Willow: I don't wanna be our only hope! Uh, I crumble under pressure! Let's have another hope.

Buffy: Ah, I'll wing it. Of course, if we go to Hell by then, I won't have to take 'em. Or maybe I'll be taking them forever.

Whistler: This is really an unforgettable smell. This is the stench of death you're giving off here. And the look says, uh... Crazy Homeless Guy. It's not good.

Whistler: Well, yeah, you've been left alone for, what, ninety years already. And what a package you are. The Stink Guy!

Willow: I'm okay, Buffy, really. I mean, I don't feel good, but... I'm awake, and I know my name and who's President and how many fingers, so they don't think my brain got mushed at all.

Joyce: Have we met?
Spike: Um... you hit me with an ax one time. Remember? Uh, 'get the hell away from my daughter.'

Spike: Dru bagged a Slayer? She didn't tell me! Hey, good for her! Though not from your perspective, I suppose.

Joyce: Well, you're not gonna hurt them, are you?
Buffy: I'm a Slayer, not a postal worker.

Buffy: No, it doesn't stop! It never stops! Do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or... God, even studying! But I have to save the world... again.

Willow: There's no use arguing with me. Do you see my resolve face? You've seen it before. You know what it means.

Angelus: Just tell me what I need to know.
Giles: In order... to be worthy...
Angelus: Yeah?
Giles: You must perform the ritual... in a tutu. Pillock!
Angelus: All right. Someone get the chainsaw.

Angelus: Keep out of it, sit 'n' spin.
Spike: Look, you cut him up, you'll never get your answers.
Angelus: Since when did you become so levelheaded?
Spike: Right about the time you became so pig-headed. You have your way with him, you'll never get to destroy the world. And I don't fancy spending the next month trying to get librarian out of the carpet.

Buffy: You never ever got a single date in high school, did you?
Snyder: Your point being?

Whistler: You know, raiding an Englishman's fridge is like dating a nun. You're never gonna get the good stuff.

Xander: Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here.

Giles: Xander?
Xander: Can you walk?
Giles: You're not real.
Xander: Sure, I'm real.
Giles: It's a trick. They get inside my head, make me see things I want.
Xander: Then why would they make you see me?
Giles: You're right. Let's go.

Angelus: My boy Acathla here is about to wake up. You're going to Hell.
Buffy: Save me a seat.


Angelus: Now that's everything, huh? No weapons... No friends...No hope. Take all that away... and what's left?
Buffy: Me.

Angel: What's happening?
Buffy: Shh. Don't worry about it. I love you.
Angel: I love you.
Buffy: Close your eyes.

Oz: But we know the world didn't end, 'cause...check it out.