Season 1

Welcome to the Hellmouth/The Harvest

Xander: Yeah. You know, I kinda had a problem with the math.
Willow: Uh, which part?
Xander: The math.

Xander: Well, you're certainly a font of nothing!

Xander: We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic.

Cordelia: Oh, I would *kill* to live in L.A. That close to that many shoes?

Cordelia: Willow! Nice dress! Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears.

Buffy: To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you.
Willow: But aren't you hanging out with Cordelia?
Buffy: I can't do both?
Willow: Not legally.

Xander: Oh, me and Buffy go waaay back, old friends, very close. Then there's that period of estrangement where I think we were both growing as people, but now here we are, like old times, I'm quite moved.
Jesse: Is it me, or are you turning into a bibbling idiot?
Xander: No, it's, uh, not you.

Xander: So what do you do for fun, what do you like, what do you look for in a man, let's hear it.
Jesse: If you have any dark, painful secrets you'd like us to publish?
Buffy: Gee, everyone wants to know about me. How keen.
Xander: Well, not much goes on in a one Starbucks town like Sunnydale. You're pretty big news.

Giles: What do you know about this town?
Buffy: It's two hours on the freeway from Neiman Marcus?

Giles: Like zombies, werewolves, incubi, succubi, everything you've ever dreaded was under your bed, but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day. They're all real!
Buffy: What? You like sent away for the Time-Life series?
Giles: Ah, well, yes.
Buffy: Did you get the free phone?
Giles: Um, the calendar.
Buffy: Cool!

Angel: Ah, heh. Is there a problem, ma'am?
Buffy: Yeah, there's a problem. Why are you following me?
Angel: I know what you're thinking. Don't worry, I don't bite.

Angel: Truth is, I thought you'd be taller, or bigger muscles and all that. You're pretty spry, though.
Buffy: What do you want?
Angel: The same thing you do.
Buffy: Okay. What do I want?
Angel: To kill them. To kill them all.
Buffy: Sorry, that's incorrect. But you do get this lovely watch and a year's supply of Turtle Wax. What I want is to be left alone!

Buffy: Who are you?
Angel: Let's just say...I'm a friend.
Buffy: Yeah, well, maybe I don't want a friend.
Angel: I didn't say I was yours.

Willow: No, I'm just here. I thought Xander was gonna show up.
Buffy: Oh, are you guys going out?
Willow: No, we're just friends. We used to go out, but we broke up.
Buffy: How come?
Willow: He stole my Barbie. Oh, we were five.

Willow: Well, when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or, or witty, or at all. I-I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.

Buffy: You know? Why waste time being all shy and worrying about some guy, and if he's gonna laugh at you. Seize the moment, 'cause tomorrow you might be dead.

Buffy: So, you like to party with the students. Isn't that kinda skanky?
Giles: Oh, right, this is me having fun. Watching... clown hair prance about is hardly my idea of a party. I'd much rather be at home with a cup of Bovril and a good book.
Buffy: You need a personality, stat!

Buffy: This... guy. Dark, gorgeous in an annoying sort of way. I figured you two were buds.
Giles: No. The Harvest. Did he say anything else?
Buffy: Something about the Mouth of Hell. I *really* didn't like him!

Buffy: I didn't say I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy bunny feelings for them, I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with it.

Cordelia: God! What is your childhood trauma?!

Willow: Oh, I, I need to sit down.
Buffy: You are sitting down.
Willow: Oh. Good for me.

Giles: Alright. The Slayer hunts vampires, Buffy is a Slayer, don't tell anyone. Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need.

Giles: So, all the city plans are just, open to the public?
Willow: Um, well, i-in a way. I sort of stumbled onto them when I accidentally decrypted the city council's security system.
Xander: Someone's been naughty.

Buffy: I don't suppose you've got a key on you?
Angel: They really don't like me dropping in.
Buffy: Why not?
Angel: They really don't like me.

Angel: Don't... go down there.
Buffy: Deal with my going.

Cordelia: Excuse me? Who gave you permission to exist?

Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good.

The Witch

Amy: Oh, how I hate this, let me count the ways.

Buffy: Hmm, that much quality time with my mom would probably lead to some quality matricide.

Giles: But that's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth! There's a veritable cornucopia of, of fiends and devils and, and ghouls to engage! Pardon me for finding the glass half full.

Willow: Yeah! You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes!

Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.

Xander: Cool! Was she wearin' it? The bracelet, she was wearin' it, right? Pretty much like we're goin' out.

Willow: Except without the hugging or kissing or her knowing about it.

Xander: For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me.

Buffy: Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.
Joyce: This is Gidgit hair. Don't they teach you anything in history?

Xander: First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale.

Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
Willow: Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?

Xander: Alright, alright, it's not what you think.
Willow: You like to look at the semi-nude engravings?
Xander: Oh, well, uh, I-I guess it *is* what you think.

Xander: We're right behind you, only... further back.

Teachers Pet

Xander: Oh, right! Give her your jacket. It's a balmy night, no one needs to be trading clothing out there!

Buffy: What happened?
Angel: I didn't pay attention.
Buffy: To somebody with a big fork?
Angel: He's coming.
Buffy: The Fork Guy?
Angel: Don't let him corner you. Don't give him a moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out.
Buffy: Okay, I'll give you improved marks for that one. Ripping a throat out, it's a strong visual, it's not cryptic!
Angel: I have to go.
Buffy: Sweet dreams to you, too.

Giles: That's all he said? Fork Guy?
Buffy: That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy.
Giles: I think there are too many guys in your life.

Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.

Buffy: Hot dog surprise. Be still, my heart.
Willow: Call me old-fashioned, I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs.

Xander: I wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism.

Buffy: Yes, I lied, I'm a bad person, let's move on.

Giles: Uh, well, basically the, uh, the She-Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and then lures innocent virgins back to her nest.
Buffy: Virgins? Well, Xander's not a, uh...I mean, he's probably...
Willow: ...gonna die!

Xander: ...I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of a girly name is 'Angel' anyway?

Never kill a boy on the First Date

Buffy: See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books, and then they learn things.
Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.

Willow: Wow! He hardly talks to anyone. He's solitary, mysterious... He can brood for forty minutes straight, I've clocked him.

Owen: Who's all going?
Cordelia: Well, um, I'm gonna be there.
Owen: Who else?
Cordelia: You mean besides me?

Giles: Alright, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.

Giles: Well, you know what they say. 90% of the vampire slaying game is, is waiting.
Buffy: You couldn't have told me that 90% ago?

Giles: If your identity as the Slayer is revealed it could put you and all those around you in grave danger.
Buffy: Well, in that case I won't wear my button that says, 'I'm the Slayer, ask me how!'

Buffy: If the apocalypse comes, beep me.

Cordelia: Ooo! Hello, salty goodness! Pick up the phone, call 911. That boy is gonna need some serious oxygen after I'm through with him.

Angel: You're here on a date?
Buffy: Yes! Why is it such a shock to everyone?

Giles: Uh, two more of the brethren came in here. They came after me. But I was more than a match for them.
Buffy: Meaning?
Giles: I hid.

The Pack

Xander: We just saw the zebras mating! Thank you, very exciting...
Willow: It was like the Heimlich, with stripes!

Xander: Buffy, this isn't just about looking at a bunch of animals. This is about not being in class!
Buffy: You know, you're right! Suddenly the animals look shiny and new.

Buffy: What is it with those guys?
Willow: They're obnoxious. Professionally.

Xander: Well, every school has 'em. So, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids.

Willow: He makes my head go tingly. You know what I mean?

Willow: Come on, Angel pushes your buttons. You know he does.
Buffy: I suppose some girls might find him good looking...if they have eyes, alright, he's a honey, but... it's just he's never around, and when he is all he wants to do is talk about vampires, and... I, I just can't have a relationship...

Willow: You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, 'Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?' We've been through this.

Giles: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?
Buffy: Uh-huh.
Giles: And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?
Buffy: Yes.
Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.
Buffy: It's bad, isn't it.
Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Course, you'll have to kill him.

Buffy: I cannot believe that you, of all people, are trying to Scully me. There is something supernatural at work here. Get your books! Look stuff up!

Willow: What are you gonna do?
Giles: Get my books. Look stuff up.

Angel

Willow: What about Angel?
Buffy: Angel? I can just see him in a relationship. 'Hi, honey, you're in grave danger. I'll see you next month.'
Willow: He's not around much, it's true.
Buffy: When he is around...it's like the lights dim everywhere else. You know how it's like that with some guys?
Willow: Oh, yeah!

Xander: Ya know, hey, I don't know what everyone's talking about. That outfit doesn't make you look like a hooker!

Xander: Whoa, well, let's stop this crazy whirligig of fun! I'm dizzy!

Buffy: You tell me. You're the mystery guy that appears out of nowhere. I'm not saying I'm not happy about it tonight, but... if you are hanging around I'd like to know why.
Angel: Maybe I like you.

Angel: You even look pretty when you go to sleep.
Buffy: Well, when I wake up it's an entirely different story.

Buffy: Angel?
Angel: Hm?
Buffy: Do you snore?
Angel: I don't know. It's been a long time since anybody's been in a position to let me know.

Xander: Buffy, c'mon, wake up and smell the seduction. It's the oldest trick in the book.
Buffy: What? Saving my life? Getting slashed in the ribs?
Xander: Duh!

Willow: How is it you always know this stuff? You always know what's going on. I never know what's going on.
Giles: Well, you weren't here from midnight until six researching it.
Willow: No, I was sleeping.

Buffy: Cool! Crossbow! Huh. Check out these babies. Hmm. Goodbye stakes, hello flying fatality. What can I shoot?

Buffy: My diary? You read my diary? That is *not* okay! A diary is like a person's most private place! I... You don't even know what I was writing about! 'Hunk' can mean a lot of things, bad things. And, and when it says that your eyes are 'penetrating', I meant to write 'bulging'.
Angel: Buffy...
Buffy: And 'A' doesn't even stand for 'Angel' for that matter, it stands for... 'Achmed', a charming foreign exchange student, so that whole fantasy part has nothing to even do with you at all...
Angel: Your mother moved your diary when she came in to straighten up. I watched from the closet. I didn't read it, I swear.

Xander: I-I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right?
(Buffy gives him a look>
Xander: You're in love with a vampire?! What, are you outta your mind?!

Giles: There's mention some two hundred years ago in Ireland of, of Angelus, the one with the angelic face.
Buffy: They got that right.

Xander: Now I'm sayin' something. You saw him naked?

Willow: No, no, no, no. No speaking up. That way leads to madness and sweaty palms.

Angel: I'm just an animal, right?
Buffy: You're not an animal. Animals I like.

Angel: Fed on a girl about your age... beautiful... dumb as a post... but a favourite among her clan.
Buffy: Her clan?
Angel: Romany. Gypsies. The elders conjured the perfect punishment for me. They restored my soul.
Buffy: What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?

Darla: Do you know what the saddest thing in the world is?
Buffy: Bad hair on top of that outfit?
Darla: To love someone who used to love you.

Buffy: Well, you been around since Columbus, you are bound to pile up a few ex's. You're older than him, right? Just between us girls, you are looking a little worn around the eyes.

I, robot...You, Jane

Jenny: Oh, I know, our ways are strange to you, but soon you will join us in the 20th century. With three whole years to spare!
Giles: Ms. Calendar, I'm sure your computer science class is fascinating, but I happen to believe that one can survive in modern society without being a slave to the, um, idiot box.
Jenny: That's TV. The idiot box is TV. This is the good box!

Giles: I'm, I'm just gonna stay and clean up a little. I'll, uh, I'll be back in the middle ages.
Jenny: Did you ever leave?

Xander: But you're gonna be missin' out. I'm plannin' to be witty. I'm gonna make fun of all the people who won't talk to me.

Buffy: I'm telling you, something is going on. It's not just Willow. Dave, Fritz, they're all wicked jumpy.
Giles: Those boys aren't sparklingly normal as it is.

Xander: Calax Research and Development. It's a computer research lab. Third largest employer in Sunnydale till it closed down last year. What, I can't have information sometimes?
Giles: Well, it-it's just somewhat unprecedented.

Buffy: Besides, I can just tell something's wrong. My spider sense is tingling.

Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.

Buffy: Tell me the truth: how's my hair?
Xander: It's great! It's your best hair ever!

Buffy: He's gone binary on us.

Buffy: You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and kill me? I don't know. How about mess up all the medical equipment in the world?
Giles: Randomize traffic signals.
Buffy: Access launch codes for our nuclear missiles.
Giles: Destroy the world's economy.
Buffy: I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missile thing.
Giles: Right, yours was best.

Moloch: Don't you see? I can give you everything! I can control the world! Right now a man in Beijing is transferring money to a Swiss bank account for a contract on his mother's life. Good for him!

Xander: Hey! I got to hit someone!

Giles: Well, I-I don't dangle a corkscrew from my ear.
Jenny: That's not where I dangle it.

Buffy: Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I've moved here turned out to be a vampire.
Xander: Right, and the teacher I had a crush on? Giant praying mantis?
Willow: That's true.
Xander: Yeah, that's life on the Hellmouth.
Buffy: Let's face it: none of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship.
Xander: We're doomed!

The Puppet Show

Giles: Our new Fuhrer, Mr. Snyder.
Willow: I think they call 'em 'principals' now.

Buffy: Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny.
Giles: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated, or at least, um, helped.
Buffy: Nah! I think I'll take on your traditional role... and watch!
Xander: And mock!
Willow: And laugh!

Xander: Did I mention that I hate this school?

Cordelia: All I can think is, it coulda been me!
Xander: We can dream.

Xander: Okay, next time we split up someone else is on Cordy detail. Five more minutes with her and we woulda had another organ donor.

Buffy: Excuse me? Can I have a little support here, please? I'm not just some crazy person, I'm the Slayer.
Xander: The dummy Slayer? There's nothing funny about that.

Willow: Once again I'm banished to the demon section of the card catalog.

Buffy: Who's ever out there, I'm gonna hurt you! Badly! If you'll just gimme a minute...

Cordelia: I, I can't go out there. All those people staring at me and judging me like I'm some kind of... Buffy!

Sid: Of course, if you want to snuggle up and comfort me...
Buffy: So, that horny dummy thing really isn't an act, is it?
Sid: Nope!
Buffy: Yuck!

Willow: What could a demon possibly want from me?
Xander: What's the square root of 841?
Willow: 29. Oh, yeah.

Nightmares

Willow: Why is she so Evita-like?
Buffy: I think it's the hair.
Willow: It weighs heavy on the cerebral cortex.

Xander: Oh, the spiders! Willow's been kind of, um, what's the word I'm looking for? Insane about what happened yesterday.
Willow: I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies, and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway? I'll tell you: for crawling across your face in the middle of the night. Ewww! How do they not ruffle you?

Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party!

Willow: Xander! What happened to your...?!
Xander: I-I-I dunno! I was, uh, dressed a minute ago! It's a dream. It's gotta be a dream. Ow! Wake up. Ow! Gotta wake up.

Giles: Dreams? That would be a musical comedy version of this. Nightmares, our, our nightmares are coming true.

Xander: Alright! Someone else's loss is my chocolatey goodness.

Xander: You are a lousy clown! Your balloon animals are pathetic! Everyone can make a giraffe!

Buffy: Well, we better hurry... 'cause I'm getting hungry.
Xander: That is a... joke, right?

Buffy: Scary! I'll tell you something, though. There are a lot scarier things than you. And I'm one of them.

Willow: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you?
Xander: Willow, how can you... I mean, that's really bent! She was... grotesque!
Willow: Still dug her, huh?
Xander: I'm sick, I need help.
Willow: Don't I know it.

Out of Mind, Out of Sight

Snyder: There are no dead students here. This week.

Buffy: And monsters don't usually send messages. It's pretty much crush, kill, destroy. This was different.
Giles: I'd have to say you're right.
Buffy: I love it when he says that!

Xander: What, so there's homework now? When did that happen?

Xander: Hmm. Greek myths speak of cloaks of invisibility, but they're usually for the gods. Research Boy comes through with the knowledge!

Giles: A vampire casts no reflection.
Angel: Don't worry. I'm not here to eat.

Giles: A vampire in love with a Slayer! It's rather poetic! In a maudlin sort of way.

Giles: There's an... invisible girl terrorizing the school.
Angel: That's not really my area of expertise.
Giles: Nor mine, I'm afraid. Uh, it's fascinating, though. By all accounts it's a, a wonderful power to possess.
Angel: Oh, I don't know. Looking in the mirror everyday and seeing nothing there. It's an overrated pleasure.

Willow: Oh, my God! [reads] 'Have a nice summer. Have a nice summer.' This girl had no friends at all.
Giles: Uh, once again I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap.
Buffy: 'Have a nice summer' is what you write when you have nothing to say.
Xander: It's the kiss of death.

Cordelia: Because you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons... I was kind of hoping you were in a gang.

Giles: The loneliness, the constant exile, she's...she has gone mad!
Xander: Ya think?

Angel: I'll get it. It's not like I need the oxygen.

Buffy: You're a thundering loony!

Cordelia: Look, um, I didn't get a chance to say anything yesterday with the coronation and everything... but, um, I guess I just wanted to say thank you, all of you.
Xander: That's funny, 'cause she looks like Cordelia.

Prophecy Girl

Buffy: Fine. That's okay. I can't put it off any longer. I have to meet my terrible fate.
Giles: What?!
Buffy: Biology.

Xander: I don't feel that boring covers it.
Buffy: No, boring falls short.
Willow: Even I was bored. And I'm a science nerd.
Buffy: Don't say that.
Willow: I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right?

Xander: Nah. Forget it. I'm not him. I mean, I guess a guy's gotta be undead to make time with you.
Buffy: That's really harsh.
Xander: Look, I'm sorry. I don't handle rejection well. Funny! Considering all the practice I've had, huh?

Xander: That's okay. I don't wanna go. I'm just gonna go home, lie down and listen to country music. The music of pain.

Buffy: They say how he's gonna kill me? Do you think it'll hurt? Don't touch me! Were you even gonna tell me?
Giles: I was hoping that I wouldn't have to. That there was... some way around it. I-
Buffy: I've got a way around it. I quit!
Angel: It's not that simple.
Buffy: I'm making it that simple! I quit! I resign, I'm fired, you can find someone else to stop the Master from taking over!
Giles: I'm not sure that anyone else can. All the... the signs indicate...
Buffy: The signs? Read me the signs! Tell me my fortune! You're so useful sitting here with all your books! You're really a lot of help!
Giles: No, I don't suppose I am.
Angel: I know this is hard.
Buffy: What do you know about this? You're never gonna die!
Angel: You think I want anything to happen to you? Do you think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way...
Buffy: I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention!
Giles: Buffy, if the Master rises...
Buffy: I don't care! I don't care. Giles, I'm sixteen years old. I don't wanna die.

Jenny: The part that gets me, though, is where Buffy is the Vampire Slayer. She's so little.

Buffy: When he wakes up tell him... I don't know. Think of something cool, tell him I said it.

Xander: How could you let her go?
Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area of my jaw will attest, I did not let her go!

Xander: How can I say this clearly? I don't like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you're a vampire. But Buffy's got this big old yen for you. She thinks you're a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right.

Xander: You were looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my neck! I saw that!
Angel: No, I wasn't!
Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.
Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck!
Xander: I told you to eat before we left.

Willow: We've gotta get to the library!
Cordelia: Library! Great!
Willow: Of course, we generally walk there.

Master: You're dead!
Buffy: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.

Master: You were destined to die! It was written!
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.

Buffy: Sure! We saved the world. I say we party! I mean, I got all pretty.

Willow: You can come with us, Angel.
Buffy: I'm hungry.
Xander: So what's the story with the car?
Cordelia: Oh, that was me, saving the day!
Willow: (to Angel) Get something to drink.
Buffy: Is anybody else hungry?
Willow: (to Angel): Well, no, don't do that. Just hang.
Buffy: I'm really, really hungry.

Angel: By the way, I really like your dress.
Buffy: Yeah, yeah. Big hit with everyone.