16 September 2007
To My Friends 10
18 September 2007 : To
My Friends Collated
To my Friends 10
Its about 9.00am on a frosty but beautifully sunny morning and I have just returned from a fantastic walk through the gardens and the park. Julie dropped me there for a scan at 7.00am (for Gods sake) and as I came back through the Oncology department the receptionist said to me are you going to walk through the daffodils. I said where are they? She said about 50 metres from here, just through that path over there and you will see them. I had not been intending to go through the park but I went where she had indicated.
A rush of emotion takes over me. Tears briefly, but mainly an overwhelming sense of a great beauty. Totally unexpected. Stretched in every direction as far as I could see, daffodils. Many of these already in full bloom and others waiting their turn. Scattered throughout this field of promises are small clumps of Jonquils and much bigger scatterings of snowdrops. I stood there for some time not thinking and not wanting to think until the words of Wordswoth’s poem forced their way into my consciousness. This poem starts ‘I wandered lonely as a cloud’, but it was the last eight lines that really impacted.
I gazed-and gazed-but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
For the first time I think I really understood what this poem was all about. The experience without the intellect has an immediate effect which now informs our being in such a way that it becomes a resource which unconsciously affects future and past. We are never the same again.
10 days later
I am fortunate. I am still able to walk through the daffodils just about every day. Sometimes by myself, sometimes with Julie. Its still special as more and more flowers bloom. Perhaps I see all beauty differently and appreciate it more. At any rate the scan mentioned above brought very positive news. We had been expecting not much change and the possibility that the doctors would terminate the chemo and turn us loose. Instead they reported a reduction of the tumours in the liver of about half a centimetre and a decision to continue the chemo. This was great news although as is my tendency I was prepared for the worst such that I didn’t feel enormously relieved-- this came over the next few days. I could see that Julie felt enormously relieved as a smile spread all over her face and her body was practically dancing.
This was just great as the day before she had revealed emotionally her stress and her fear. This was really good for me as I sometimes get so tied up in my own life that I forget that Julie is making this journey with me Its still really up and down but I seem to be able to ride these waves a little more easily and accept what is inevitable without letting it drag me down. My days seem full and I am seldom bored.
Over the last two weeks I have had lots of visits from long standing friends, colleagues and mentors. In their generosity these old psychodrama friends have sometimes flown in specifically to see me. Robert Brodie came down after the trainers workshop, Max and Chris a week later and Don Reekie a little before that. I feel enormously grateful for these visits and to know that I am still alive in the minds and hearts of many people. Brigid writes regularly and in the last few months I have had regular correspondence with Sue Daniel .Sue and I go back a long way. Both being assessed as role trainers initially, both coming on to the exec at the same time. Then our lives took different pathways and for a while I was sad. Then realizing that we were both doing what was right for us, accepting. The sad part was that I didn’t see her as often as I had previously. Recently she re established contact with me and since then we have talked of many things and she has sent me some of her beautiful poetry.
During last week I had the pleasure of working with my training Group of nurses for a couple of days. In a four day workshop I conducted the first and last days and Clare did the middle two. This was a very good arrangement since I was able to have a rest and Clare taught a lot of sociometry or rather worked in a sociometric way with issues that were in the group. I loved being back at work again in a group that I have worked with over the last 3 or 4 years. This group has been very good to me since my health deteriorated and through all these contacts both with the group and with my psychodrama friends I have felt very loved.
Perhaps this is a good place to stop. With blessings and love to you all.
Mike
Its about 9.00am on a frosty but beautifully sunny morning and I have just returned from a fantastic walk through the gardens and the park. Julie dropped me there for a scan at 7.00am (for Gods sake) and as I came back through the Oncology department the receptionist said to me are you going to walk through the daffodils. I said where are they? She said about 50 metres from here, just through that path over there and you will see them. I had not been intending to go through the park but I went where she had indicated.
A rush of emotion takes over me. Tears briefly, but mainly an overwhelming sense of a great beauty. Totally unexpected. Stretched in every direction as far as I could see, daffodils. Many of these already in full bloom and others waiting their turn. Scattered throughout this field of promises are small clumps of Jonquils and much bigger scatterings of snowdrops. I stood there for some time not thinking and not wanting to think until the words of Wordswoth’s poem forced their way into my consciousness. This poem starts ‘I wandered lonely as a cloud’, but it was the last eight lines that really impacted.
I gazed-and gazed-but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
For the first time I think I really understood what this poem was all about. The experience without the intellect has an immediate effect which now informs our being in such a way that it becomes a resource which unconsciously affects future and past. We are never the same again.
10 days later
I am fortunate. I am still able to walk through the daffodils just about every day. Sometimes by myself, sometimes with Julie. Its still special as more and more flowers bloom. Perhaps I see all beauty differently and appreciate it more. At any rate the scan mentioned above brought very positive news. We had been expecting not much change and the possibility that the doctors would terminate the chemo and turn us loose. Instead they reported a reduction of the tumours in the liver of about half a centimetre and a decision to continue the chemo. This was great news although as is my tendency I was prepared for the worst such that I didn’t feel enormously relieved-- this came over the next few days. I could see that Julie felt enormously relieved as a smile spread all over her face and her body was practically dancing.
This was just great as the day before she had revealed emotionally her stress and her fear. This was really good for me as I sometimes get so tied up in my own life that I forget that Julie is making this journey with me Its still really up and down but I seem to be able to ride these waves a little more easily and accept what is inevitable without letting it drag me down. My days seem full and I am seldom bored.
Over the last two weeks I have had lots of visits from long standing friends, colleagues and mentors. In their generosity these old psychodrama friends have sometimes flown in specifically to see me. Robert Brodie came down after the trainers workshop, Max and Chris a week later and Don Reekie a little before that. I feel enormously grateful for these visits and to know that I am still alive in the minds and hearts of many people. Brigid writes regularly and in the last few months I have had regular correspondence with Sue Daniel .Sue and I go back a long way. Both being assessed as role trainers initially, both coming on to the exec at the same time. Then our lives took different pathways and for a while I was sad. Then realizing that we were both doing what was right for us, accepting. The sad part was that I didn’t see her as often as I had previously. Recently she re established contact with me and since then we have talked of many things and she has sent me some of her beautiful poetry.
During last week I had the pleasure of working with my training Group of nurses for a couple of days. In a four day workshop I conducted the first and last days and Clare did the middle two. This was a very good arrangement since I was able to have a rest and Clare taught a lot of sociometry or rather worked in a sociometric way with issues that were in the group. I loved being back at work again in a group that I have worked with over the last 3 or 4 years. This group has been very good to me since my health deteriorated and through all these contacts both with the group and with my psychodrama friends I have felt very loved.
Perhaps this is a good place to stop. With blessings and love to you all.
Mike
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