01 July 2007
To My Friends 8
01 July 2007 : To
My Friends Collated
Sunday 1st
July 2007
The difficulty now is not that there is nothing to write about but rather that my lack of energy and motivation to do almost anything is a real nuisance. The operation I mentioned in my last writing went ahead and from the point of view of skin grafts etc was a success with pretty good healing and very little pain. However the surgeon did not get all the cancer and what we had thought was a squamous cell carcinoma turned out to be a merkell cell. So the news is that I am really in palliative care with possibly a few months to live.
Life is a funny old trip. Just when I’m starting to get used to that idea We go to see the oncologist. He agrees that we are in the home straight but suggests that there is a possibility of chemotherapy which would not cure the cancer but would probably reduce the size of the tumours a little thus giving me a little extra time. So I am to have another scan and then Julie and I will go to see a medical oncologist, probably in a fortnight or so, who will decide if and when. The general consensus is that chemotherapy will be offered. The option is still open to refuse it but so far we are keeping all possibilities open. It really is a bit of a roller coaster.
In the midst of all this my mental state is variable. The nights can be horrendous, particularly if I am unable to sleep. Most nights I get some sleep but am awake by 4 – 4.30 in the morning. Then my lifelong neurosis cuts in and I start to get anxious about everything. Eg keeping the garden in trim, worrying whether the water feature will keep going, paying small accounts (I’m not short of money) how are the kids going to manage and so on. This is compounded by the fact that just when I get my mind on to something that doesn’t matter and start to drift off my dry mouth cuts in and I begin to cough or have to sit up and take a drink. By 8am I can be a real mess and I just want to hide under the blankets.
I get up and go to the lounge and settle into a chair to meditate. This works really well and I go to sleep quite quickly. The trouble is that I then want to keep on sleeping for the rest of the day. Waking from this dreamless sleep is a painful and I find myself just wanting to drop off again. To get up and do something other than just sit requires a very large effort. My body is very battered and I am by no means over the radiation therapy. That is part of the difficulty and I often wonder if I use that as an excuse to sit for far longer than is good for me or anybody else. I am depressed to some extent, I don’t doubt that, and I assure you that for some part of each day, mornings usually, I feel terrible. Later in the day I start to come better and by early evening I have a lot more energy to interact with people or to face my computer.
In spite of all this the days are very full. Several times a week we have to visit doctors, nurses and other specialists. Blood tests and scans are also part of the mix. Along with this a constant stream of friends ring asking if they can visit and of course we want to see them. Many of our friends come round, spend a little time with me and then take Julie out for coffee, or a movie. This is just fantastic. Jules needs a break from me and my constant need for attention of one sort or another.
Eating is another difficulty since the most recent bout of surgery. Foods that I had become used to again now taste terrible. But in this respect I am extraordinarily lucky. Almost every day from amongst out friends and relatives here is a steady stream of cooked meals. Casseroles, stews, hotpots, soups, puddings and cakes. Julie and I are very very grateful to all the people who bring us this food. It just makes things so much easier. And this food is invariably absolutely delicious.
Managing my spiritual life is not easy. Over the years I have moved away from my childhood beliefs. This I have done usually with the help of a fairly trite reason so that I was able to let go of many things that I thought were irrelevant. The trouble is that I did not replace them with anything that is now useful. My brother says that like so many Catholics of my era I threw out the baby with the bathwater. Nonetheless I still count myself as an active and developing spiritual person. The real problem seems to be that at a time when I need comfort I no longer have a personal God. I discovered very quickly that you cannot go back to old beliefs just because they make you feel comfortable but you can go to old practices, prayers and hymns bringing a different meaning. Gradually something new is emerging.
When I look over what I have written I see that I have focused on the difficult aspects but really life is not too bad at this point in time. I feel a lot better now than I did a couple of days ago, I’m enjoying things in my life that I had forgotten about, I’m surrounded by friends and relatives every day and I don’t feel depressed any more and Julie and I have put together another small book of poetry largely about my experiences in radiation therapy In fact right at this point I have difficulty in realizing that I may have only a few months to live. Life’s a funny old business isn’t it?
Pride
Thank you for those gifts
that have been given to me
they were not earned but
freely given for my use.
As the psalmist says
“A man can lay claim only to
what is given him from heaven”.
Gifts of words
have been given to me
that I may use them wisely
always to enliven.
Yet I sit here knowing
that sometimes I have
used this gift poorly.
For this I seek forgiveness
and a greater appreciation
of my own frailties.
Humility is learned slowly;
Pride is freely available
and if that could make me rich
I would be wealthy indeed.
Even as I write these words
I pridefully strive
to make them perfect.
Humility may yet take longer.
20th June 2007
The difficulty now is not that there is nothing to write about but rather that my lack of energy and motivation to do almost anything is a real nuisance. The operation I mentioned in my last writing went ahead and from the point of view of skin grafts etc was a success with pretty good healing and very little pain. However the surgeon did not get all the cancer and what we had thought was a squamous cell carcinoma turned out to be a merkell cell. So the news is that I am really in palliative care with possibly a few months to live.
Life is a funny old trip. Just when I’m starting to get used to that idea We go to see the oncologist. He agrees that we are in the home straight but suggests that there is a possibility of chemotherapy which would not cure the cancer but would probably reduce the size of the tumours a little thus giving me a little extra time. So I am to have another scan and then Julie and I will go to see a medical oncologist, probably in a fortnight or so, who will decide if and when. The general consensus is that chemotherapy will be offered. The option is still open to refuse it but so far we are keeping all possibilities open. It really is a bit of a roller coaster.
In the midst of all this my mental state is variable. The nights can be horrendous, particularly if I am unable to sleep. Most nights I get some sleep but am awake by 4 – 4.30 in the morning. Then my lifelong neurosis cuts in and I start to get anxious about everything. Eg keeping the garden in trim, worrying whether the water feature will keep going, paying small accounts (I’m not short of money) how are the kids going to manage and so on. This is compounded by the fact that just when I get my mind on to something that doesn’t matter and start to drift off my dry mouth cuts in and I begin to cough or have to sit up and take a drink. By 8am I can be a real mess and I just want to hide under the blankets.
I get up and go to the lounge and settle into a chair to meditate. This works really well and I go to sleep quite quickly. The trouble is that I then want to keep on sleeping for the rest of the day. Waking from this dreamless sleep is a painful and I find myself just wanting to drop off again. To get up and do something other than just sit requires a very large effort. My body is very battered and I am by no means over the radiation therapy. That is part of the difficulty and I often wonder if I use that as an excuse to sit for far longer than is good for me or anybody else. I am depressed to some extent, I don’t doubt that, and I assure you that for some part of each day, mornings usually, I feel terrible. Later in the day I start to come better and by early evening I have a lot more energy to interact with people or to face my computer.
In spite of all this the days are very full. Several times a week we have to visit doctors, nurses and other specialists. Blood tests and scans are also part of the mix. Along with this a constant stream of friends ring asking if they can visit and of course we want to see them. Many of our friends come round, spend a little time with me and then take Julie out for coffee, or a movie. This is just fantastic. Jules needs a break from me and my constant need for attention of one sort or another.
Eating is another difficulty since the most recent bout of surgery. Foods that I had become used to again now taste terrible. But in this respect I am extraordinarily lucky. Almost every day from amongst out friends and relatives here is a steady stream of cooked meals. Casseroles, stews, hotpots, soups, puddings and cakes. Julie and I are very very grateful to all the people who bring us this food. It just makes things so much easier. And this food is invariably absolutely delicious.
Managing my spiritual life is not easy. Over the years I have moved away from my childhood beliefs. This I have done usually with the help of a fairly trite reason so that I was able to let go of many things that I thought were irrelevant. The trouble is that I did not replace them with anything that is now useful. My brother says that like so many Catholics of my era I threw out the baby with the bathwater. Nonetheless I still count myself as an active and developing spiritual person. The real problem seems to be that at a time when I need comfort I no longer have a personal God. I discovered very quickly that you cannot go back to old beliefs just because they make you feel comfortable but you can go to old practices, prayers and hymns bringing a different meaning. Gradually something new is emerging.
When I look over what I have written I see that I have focused on the difficult aspects but really life is not too bad at this point in time. I feel a lot better now than I did a couple of days ago, I’m enjoying things in my life that I had forgotten about, I’m surrounded by friends and relatives every day and I don’t feel depressed any more and Julie and I have put together another small book of poetry largely about my experiences in radiation therapy In fact right at this point I have difficulty in realizing that I may have only a few months to live. Life’s a funny old business isn’t it?
Pride
Thank you for those gifts
that have been given to me
they were not earned but
freely given for my use.
As the psalmist says
“A man can lay claim only to
what is given him from heaven”.
Gifts of words
have been given to me
that I may use them wisely
always to enliven.
Yet I sit here knowing
that sometimes I have
used this gift poorly.
For this I seek forgiveness
and a greater appreciation
of my own frailties.
Humility is learned slowly;
Pride is freely available
and if that could make me rich
I would be wealthy indeed.
Even as I write these words
I pridefully strive
to make them perfect.
Humility may yet take longer.
20th June 2007
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